Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Kirk Franklin was on Oprah today talking about his addiction to porn. I don't know what you thought about it but I know I'll never get that hour of my life back. If you want to read another interview that he had with 700 Club. You can check that out too.
I though I heard a story that his hotel bill got out that listed a bunch of pornographic movies he ordered and that is why he is now talking about it. I could be wrong.
HEY!!! That's not where I left off on my pornographic video, who found my stash!!!
Anyway, if you want to read the interview on the 700 Club's website click on the picture of him and Tammy.
The two interviews of course had a very different timbre. You decide whether you believe all this or not.
Oh, one more thing. I believe that if America was not so hung up on not talking about sex that there would be much less sexual guilt and perversion here.
Certainty or Stability - All humans want to be certain of somethings. Meaning we want to be able to rely on somethings that we know. For instance, that when I turn the faucet water will come out.
Uncertainty or Variety - All humans want somethings to change or to be a surprise. This is what makes life intersting.
Significance - All humans want to feel like possess something that is significant.
Connection or Love - All humans want to be connected to either a partner, family or a group.
Growth or the ability to grow - All humans want to feel as if they are growing or gaining new knowledge
Contribution - All humans want to be able to contribute something to the world no matter how small it may seem to others. Everyone would like to feel that after they are gone someone will remember something that they did.
I know that I should have been thinking about leadership at my company. After the trainer listed these things the first thing that came to my mind was not how to motivate others as a leader, but what could I come up with that consisted of all of these elements to make some money!!! hahahaha
Sadly, the culture at my company is unyielding. They talks about innovative ideas for conducting business to get at the best results, but does not walk the talk. In truth, most of those in positions to make these things happen don't even understand most of the concepts. So they go back to what they have been doing all along, which is what makes them comfortable.
For those of you that are young, try to think about these things when dealing with other people. I do believe that you will get better results and garner achievements beyond your imagination.
Imagine the possibilities!!
Haunting! Yes Haunting is the only word that came to my mind when I finally got a chance to watch "YESTERDAY" that was aired on HBO on Monday, November 28th. Praise the lord for TiVo!
The Description of Yesterday by HBO:
"Set in today’s South Africa, YESTERDAY is a story of courage, compassion and hope that puts a human face on the AIDS crisis, following the struggles of a young mother with AIDS as she tries to secure her daughter’s future. Set against the awesome, harsh landscapes of South Africa, Yesterday is the first international feature film ever shot in the Zulu language. "
1st I'll say this. This was an excellent movie. For me it brough back so many memories of friends gone. I think that's why the movie was haunting for me. It reminded me of soo many things. I'm not going to tell you about the movie but instead the things that came to mind while and after watching it. I think you all should see it. It's on HBO so it'll show about 537 times this month.
The movie reminded me of the great sadness, disbelief and fear that I witnessed and felt. I know that many of us in my age bracket especially can relate to that statement.
It also reminded me of the 1st furneral that I attended in 1981 for someone who had passed away due to AIDS complications.
I got a call from a my friend Greg telling me that his ex-lover, who I also knew Vernon, had passed away. Vernon had been in the hospital off and on for awhile, but I never went to visit. I just couldn't bring myself to go. I was afraid, because I didn't really understand the disease. I thought that if I didn't go to the hospital and see him there that in my mind he was ok and like I just hadn't seen him in awhile. Or maybe I conjured up an illusion that he had moved away.
Well now the reality of AIDS was staring me right in the face because now the illusions that I wrapped around me like a soft and warm security blanket turned into a blanket of nails. The points of the nails pricked my skin in places on my body that made my eyes water and forced me to see that I was hurt.
The day of Vernon's funeral.
I don't remember the name of the funeral home where he was because it was not one of the bigger funeral homes in Los Angeles. When he was taken from the hospital he was first taken to Harrisson-Ross, who after finding out the cause of death refused to take him. They said they didn't have the facilities to take care of anyone who died in the manner in which Vernon had. Greg and Vernon's mother(Vernon's only family) called many funeral homes in the Black Community and were also turned away. Finally, this one small home decided to take him and allow the funeral to take place there. What a relief we all felt.
When we got to the funeral home we were told by the home that it would be a closed casket funeral. The home stated that due to health hazards this is how it had to be. This shocked us but because we were unfamiliar with the guidelines of funeral homes so we accepted what they said.
There was of course weeping and smiling as people spoke about the Vernon that we all knew. Then it was time to go to the Cemetray. Vernon's mother weeped and carressed the casket saying, "I just hate I can't see my baby before he is put to rest". In the limo to the Cemetary Greg asked her hadn't she seen him when they brought him to the home. She hadn't. The home told her that it was not possible for her to view him after embalming him due to those regulations.
This was not making sense now. Immediately outside the Cemetary the Hearse stopped. I saw Greg and Vernon's mother get out of the Limo. I didn't know what was going on but thought that it would be handled briefly. All of a sudden I could see the Hearse Driver, The limo Driver and officials from the Cemetary waving their hands in frustration and could hear inaudible sounds of anger from all. This is when those in the procession began to get out of our cars to see what was happening.
Once we all reached the Family we were told that the Hearse was stopped because Vernon's mother was not going to let her son be buried without her getting a last look at him. They stopped outside the cemetary because the proprietor said that because Vernon was in the Military and being buried at at government owned cemetary, once his body passed the gates he would become the property of the government and his mother would have no rights. Everyone was mortified to say the least.
The next thing I knew Greg was standing in front of the Hearse shouting, "You will not bring his body into this Cemetary until his mother gets a chance to see him". It was suggested that the Hearse driver open the casket right there on the side of the street. He said legally he could not do it. The next and only other option was to take him back to the funeral home. Back to the funeral home we all went.
Once we arrived back at the funeral home Greg and Vernon's mother were allow to go in the back to view his body. We all thought that all would be fine now. When the casket was opened, things could not have been further from fine that what I'm about to tell you.
Vernon was still naked and still wrapped in the sheet from the hospital and in a plastic bag! After this atrocity, you can imagine the yelling, screaming and whaling that took place. Even the local new station was called to to expose this funeral home and it's abhorrent behavior. They were not interested in the story.
The only thing left to do was to cancel the burial and have him moved from this funeral home. After 3 days Vernon was moved to a White owned funeral home who treated him with dignity.
Many people today do not know of the horrible things that took place like this. After that funeral I went to a funeral at least once a month for at least 2 years straight. I became numb after awhile and could not shed tears, nor did I have words to express how I felt. I was loosing friends as if they were roaches being exterminated.
They were not roaches, they were my friends, my extended family and past loves. They were and are important! Its strange that the importance of their deaths has so little meaning now. People who are HIV+ now do not look like they are HIV+ anymore. This has changed the face of the disease and caused many to feel safe from contracting this disease.
This is a double-edged sword. Because people feel less vulnerable they are taking more chances with their lives becasue they believe that if someone doesn't look like they have the AIDS antibodies then they must be ok. This is not a healthy attitude to take.
Doctors have done some amazing things for this disease by creating medications that cause those infected to blend in with those not infected. This is not only amazing it is important to the mental well being of the survivors. Back in the 80's and early 90's, family members, friends and anyone on the street treated people with HIV as if they could transmit the disease just by looking at you.
I wonder how long it will take those in Africa to be able to manage this disease as well as we are in the states.
Thank you for being a part of my life Vernon, Greg (yes Vernon's ex), George, Gregory, Joey, Michael, Vincent, Michael, Gary, Clifford, Al, and soooooo many other friends that are now watching all of us deal with the same disease that has a new face.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Have you ever felt like; Man I don't have a dayum thing to do? So you just kinda walk around like a slug, eating, watching tv, sleeping and going to work? Then without any warning signs, you find that you don't have nearly enough time in the 24hour day to get everything that you need to done.
Well that's where I am right now. I have so many things that I'm working on that need attention all at the same time. One thing that I promised myself a long time ago. (Actually, it was after I was feeling under-appreciated at my place of employment. Working harder than any of my co-workers of little to no color were. Then I realized that this company does not care if I work here 12-15 hours daily. If they want to they will get rid of me just as quickly as I saw them get rid of individuals that were great contributors with advanced knowledge, experience and integrity who had been with the company for many years longer than myself.) That promise was to make sure that every day I take time for myself. Either to reflect on my personal life, watch my favorite tv programs everyday or just touch base with friends of mine via telephone or in person. In fact if need be, just do absolutely nothing for some period of time when you get home from work.
Well unfortunately keeping that promise to yourself can sometimes be difficult. Especially if you take any vacation time away from work and return to at least 85 new emails demanding attention and voicemails filling your inbox. See once you come back from vacation no one ever remembers that you were even on vacation and approach you as if you have been there the whole time. This means that on top of all the things you were away from the prior week, you are expected to attend to the new emails, phone calls, new projects and (most of the time) attend unnecessary and unproductive meetings of the current week. With all of that you are still expected to get things from last week and this week caught up before the end of the week. SIGH Now I have projects at home and at work that need attention.
- Make myself available for a Building Inspector to look at newly installed air conditioner
- Get quotes for paintiing the interior of the house
- Get the yard landscaped
- Work on some of the graphic projects that I've acquired on the side
- Pay bills
- Wash clothes
- Postpone jury duty because it begins the week right after xmas when I was going to be taking a trip
- Go to Dentist appoint that'll take 4 hours of my day
- Prepare for Bookclub meeting (I'm the President)
- Gather information on homeowner's repair needs. (I'm on the Homeowner's Association Board)
- Do this, do that, do this do that..blah blah blah blah blah
There's about 15 more things at least, to go on this list but it's is already getting on my nerves and I just don't want to think about it all at one time right now.
So what does one do? I guess the only thing that you can do. Take one thing at a time. If it gets done on time it does. If it doesn't, it doesn't. What the hell else can you do? I am not about to stress myself out about things like this. I enjoy being busy, but I'm not going to kill myself doing it. That's why I'm writing this blog right now, to relax.
OR am I just a procrastinator? I admit I do have a tendency to procrastinate somtimes. However, I guess what I'm really trying to say is this:
I NEED TO WIN THE LOTTERY!!!!
Well in case I don't win, I guess I better get a plan in place to tackle the things at home and the things at work in the 24hours that I have each day. I'll eat and get some sleep somewhere in there.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
I think I'm getting the holiday blues! Grrrrrrrrrrrr
This is the time for families and lovers to show how much they love each other. Well that's what all of the advertisements say anyway. Unfortunately when you are single and living alone trying to make your way in this world it ain't so easy.
So this year I'm going to do things that I like to do. I'm not going to sit at home being bored and wondering where everybody is...cuz I already know. They are with their families. I'm going to make some stuff happen this year. If you know me be on the look out for things to come.
Not making new years resolutions, but I am making some changes in my life...Now don't expect them to happen over night cuz you know I'm very cautious about everything that I do. Give me a break my parents are from the old school that think if you have a job at the post office then you are in great shape. Well they aren't all wrong because my sister went to work there and then went out on disability for stress or something and hasn't worked since. She even has a bigger house than I do and buys a new car every two years.
This is my promise. I'm not going to be afraid to step out anymore...Don't you either. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Soooo many people write about love. They write about what it is and what it is not. So after all this writing about it. I wonder if any of the readers have a clue as to what it is yet? If someone were to write about ice and describe how it feels when you touch it we all would understand and be able to relate to it's coldness. This actually means something to us.
Love is a bit more elusive in wrapping our minds around it. I just want to know what it is so that the next time I go looking for it I will recognize it on the spot.
They say it will make us feel:
- Never Alone
And ooooh so many other things. The list goes on and on.
Why is it so difficult to find in this lifestyle? Why can't we obtain it? We've heard that love is all around us. Is it love that we're envisioning?
I envision love from someone that is genuinely interested in what I have to say. Someone who is compatible with me. Someone who is faithful. Someone who wants to understand me. Someone who is attracted to me as I am to him. Someone who is honest with me even when it may hurt my feelings. Someone who might not agree with me but that doesn't stop him from loving me. Someone that wants to make a plan with me. Someone that has his own ideas. Someone that is able to express himself intelligently. Someone who is Black. Someone who is kind. Someone who ... Are our lists too long? Is that why we can't find him?
Will it still be love if we begin to scratch some things off of our lists?
Oh hell! I have no idea! I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
Don't make me wait to long Harpo! One of these mornings you're gonna look for me and I'll be gone.
I guess I'll start off by loving me.
Friday, November 18, 2005
Dear Media of the U.S.A,
You are making me very angry. What is this image that you are trying to propagate of me? You know that there are many shades of being gay. You want to paint me in just one shade of pink. Well I am not hardly pink. I am golden, bronze, brown, black and many other variations in hue. When you paint me in one color that's all anyone will see.
No one will ever know the vast colors that I possess. You've made me hide my colors either in my closet of secrecy and decadence or forced me into silence with only the comfort of my grey wool coat to hide the vibrant red of my soul.
Do I scare you into seeing yourself in color? Do I destroy what you think happiness and love should be? Whatever your reasons, they are gradually crumbling before your feet. I am slowly but surely showing the bright yellows through the keyhole of my closet and unbuttoning my coat to entice you with the ebony richness of my strong heart.
Like Langston Hughes, Audre Lorde and James Baldwin, I'm nurturing a new Black Gay renaissance that will blind you as if looking into an eclispe.
With No Apologies,
Black, African-American, Creole, Mixed and Gay, Homosexual, Same Gender Loving Me
I haven't written on my blog in a few days...But now...I have some things on my mind. I just like many others, watched the Oprah show of "When I Knew I Was Gay". I thought I was going to hear something really deep but it was a bunch of M-bleep F-bleepin Sh-bleep ...I actually have no idea what the hell that show was.
I just can not figure it out....Is she attempting to do some gay movie or something soon? She had a bunch of media hungry queens trying to etch out some sort of celebrity. The most notable one on the show was Carson Kressley..from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. One of the most annoying on the show too I might add. Anyway, He's the only one that was on the show that anyone knew. The queeniest of them all too. Although the black one was trying to compete with his not even funny comments. See I can't even remember what his name is and don't feel like going back to Oprah's site to find out. The author was a pretty quite white guy. He didn't say a whole lot and the show was sorta based around his book. Go figure. Guess Oprah was bored with him to...So she I guess she thought she would make jokes and act all confused about different things that they were being said.
Anyway by now I'm sure that you have gathered that I didn't think the show was very enlightening at all. Oprah tried to be insightful with the lesbian couple and the in denial mother. However, that was ineffective too! Since the lesbian girlfriend was saying that she wasn't gay..or in her head she knows she's gay because she's dating a lesbian. What???????? Sounds similar to Lynn's situation on Girlfriends to me or something crazy like that. What kind of research did her producers do for this show...My God!
Oprah is becoming quite the character. I hadn't been watching her show for awhile and recently started TiVo-ing it. She's had some heavy subjects on lately, but has she run out of ideas or what? I'm not hating Oprah, I'm extremely proud that a Black Woman has been able to achieve what she has. However, when you constantly are saying that you want to make a difference, and you have the means to do it...do it right. And by all means don't play dumb for all the White Sally's who think you are the Female Messiah.
Now if you want watch a show that is ground breaking in the black Gay, Same Gender Loving, or Homosexual world (or however you want to identify yourself), watch the Herndon Davis Reports. He's on the , the Healthy Living Channel. There you will hear interviews with people that are real and representative of the real black gay experience.
Now I'm not comparing Oprah and Herndon, but it's time we did somethings for ourselves and that is exactly what Herndon is attempting to do. He's getting our stories told. The thing about his show is, it's not for the white housewife with the VP husband, that can be at home when Oprah comes on ....His show is about and for us.
Ok Herndon if your listening, this is for you....All of you out there. Ask your local cable and satellite operators for the Herndon Davis Reports. Who knows we might have a Male Gay Oprah in the making. If we don't help each other who will. You see how white-washed Noah's Arc is started out then attempted some blackness then got that washed out again. And Oprah certainly isn't. You all saw how she humiliated Jonathan Plummer and empathized with Terry McMillian. I'm not even going to mention that show she did with J.L. King. Nuff said.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
I was talking to a friend today and he told me that he ran into a very attractive guy the other day that was seriously cruising him. He said the guy was actually following him through the mall. He then stopped and approached the youngster and asked him how old he was, if he knew what he was doing and if he had any friends in the lifestyle. The youngster answered 17 years old and No, that he didn't have any friends like himself.
So with that my friend gave him some information on where he could meet guys his own age. I think that my friend showed a great deal of respect for himself and this young innocent man. It was all he knew to do...My friend that is. I asked my, why he didn't make friends with them to become a mentor of sorts. No not to have sex with the delicious specimen in front of him...But to help him through the convoluted, unscripted treacherous life waters of our style. My friend didn't feel comfortable with that as a matter of fact he even introduced his roommate who was with him to the guy as to have a witness to the innocence of their conversation in case any repercussions might arise from this encounter.
After he told me about this occurrence it got me to thinking about when I was 17 years old. I came from a pretty middle class family so with that being said I was very sheltered. I had no idea about the things that boys did or anything else that adults did in the real world. Television was not as unapologetic as it is today so there were no images for me to learn from, negative or positive.
I wonder if my friend did the right thing for that young man. Will he contact one of those organizations or will he be too scared to enter the doors on his own accord that will surely change his life forever?
I know I wouldn't have. I would have been too afraid that someone would have seen me walking into the building. So therefore I was left to my own devices as many of us are to figure out the good and the bad paths of this birthright on our own. Needless to say there were many incidences that shaped my life and caused me some pain and some happiness. However, I felt in most cases that I didn't have a choice as I was in a sense finding my way through in the dark.
I think I might have handled things a little differently with the young man. I did once before and am very proud of the young man that I feel like I had a hand in raising. He was 14 years old but looked like he was at least 21. He acted like he was much older too. He was out and about and could handle himself in all the conversations with the elders of any setting he found himself in.
Once I found out how old he was and that he lived in a group home, I was compelled to tell him that if he ever wanted to talk about anything that he could call me. Well I didn't expect a call the next day or anything but after a little while he did indeed call. He told me about some of the experiences that he had been having and without judgment, I just let him talk and ask me questions. I tried to be as objective as possible in letting him know that this was his life and that he need to think about what he actually wanted his life to look like in the future. Well he is now 24 years old and living on his own. Although I have helped him a couple of times when his rent was a little short. He's paid me back every cent.
At one time I was traveling a lot and he would house sit for me while I was gone. After I returned from one trip I found a letter from him telling me how much he appreciated and loved me for being there for him in some of the roughest times of his life. He continued by saying that without me he is sure that his life would have taken a turn for the worse and that he would not have gained as much as he has today. He said more but I won't go into all of that...His final statement was again that he was grateful for having me in his life and for my being his adopted Uncle.
It all goes to show you, you never know how you are going to affect someone else's life. Please be careful when dealing with the young guys who from the all the hormones in the foods today look and feel like adults. You will be touching their lives in ways that you may never understand. And you better ask these boys, HOW OLD ARE YOU???? With Oprah's crusade against child molesters, the next sounds you might hear are the CLINK CLICK of a jail cell.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Don't you know who I am? My people are Black Kings and Queens! We have endured more than any other people on this planet. You can call me names and take opportunity away from me. However, that will not stop me from being creative, intelligent, motivated and beautiful.
You're pretending that you don't know me. But I know you do. That's why you attempt to diminish my spirit, so that you can feel like you are more important than I. You steal my music and dance and call it your own. We all know that's a lie as your rhythm is not as fluid as mine.
You steal my style. You envy the natural decorations of my physic. Without trying I am beautiful. That you can not change. Don't you know who I am. My people are Black Kings and Queens!
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
One day I'm not going to have to: worry about how much I spend or don't spend
One day I'm not going to have to: worry whether the boys at the club or any social gathering find me attractive.
One day I'm not going to care: what my manager thinks about me in their yearly/quarterly or daily judgment of me.
One day I'm not going to care: if my parents or family accept me for who I am or not.
One day I'm not going to care: what clothes I wear or if they are in style.
One day I'm going to get over missing all my friends who have died or live far away.
One day...oh What the F*%..
Bye, I love you Rodney!
"This just in, Vance Hampton up and coming Architect of Los Angeles found dead hanging from his newly acquired Villa in Rome, Italy last night. Reportedly, he was found hanging from the staircase railing. The Italian police have not given much detail as they are still investigating whether foul play was at hand. We will provide you with more information on this story as details are revealed. This is Chet Johnson of POCTV News"
People of Color TV now returns you to your regularly scheduled programming of the documentary Black Hope: Black Executives with their own Dream, already in progress.
Just trying something out...As I get ready to fall asleep.