HAPPY NEW YEAR

Happy New Year Everyone!


This Lion wishes you a prosperous and fierce 2009.


















Bring in the new year with the innocence and curiosity of a baby! Free of hangups and open to possibilities and prosperity! Wishing you all the best!

The Result

The results of my little situation on Christmas night was less than I anticipated after staying up really late thinking about how I would talk to my missing friend. I'll call him BuckBuck.

The next day BuckBuck called me to apologize. I couldn't talk at the time because I was on my way out with my parents and didn't want their day to be filled with any concern as I spoke to him. So I told him that we would talk later. He wanted me to accept his apology right then but me being me was not going to do that until I said what I stayed up all night thinking about. I told him that we were ok and we'd talk and not to worry. He did sound like he was remiss.

I sent him a text message while I was out.
Me: I will see you later right?

BuckBuck: No

Me: Why Not? You have called me for weeks to ensure that I came down here for xmas, you better see me.

BuckBuck: Ok

Me: I mean it!

BuckBuck: Ok

That was the last response I got from BuckBuck and I didn't see him while I was in my parents town. So I assume that he decided to remain in misery with little care for whether he ruined our friendship or not. In my mind he had not but I wanted to get some things straight with him if we were to continue as friends. Now I won't worry about this anymore.

I'm blessed to have friends that do really care about me and my feelings. So one from the past that I hadn't been in much contact with anyway will not matter in the big picture of my life. I know who cares about me and I know who trapses through my life only for a glance. I'm a grown man and It's unfortunate that everyone that comes in our paths is not grown.

So I'll continue being happy with those that care about me and blessed because they do. I wish him all the best but I don't have the time to worry about what I can't do anything about. In my life I've had to move on from so many people that one more that only has spent brief moments in the span of my life in so many years will not be hard to get past.

The rest of my holidays will be happy and I hope yours too. For those of you who commented on my last post...thank you for your encouragement.

Not Like I Imagined

I'm going to see two friends of mine tomorrow that I went to Junior High and High School with. One of the friends I've stayed in contact with over the years even though we live in different cities. The other we hadn't see since graduation until our last class reunion. I've spoke to the missing friend a couple of times on the phone since our reunion. Tomorrow I'll see the both of them again. We had a 3 way phone call earlier this evening. Our out of touch friend was obviously drunk on the phone. And said somethings that neither my constant friend or I appreciated. When we see each other tomorrow I'm going to need to take a breath before speaking. Had I not been at my parents house and they in earshot I'm sure I would have called him everything but a child of God at the audacity of his drunken comments. I know I'm babbling right now but my typing this is helping me to think about how I'm going to handle this situation tomorrow.

Strange this is the only post that I have with no picture of any kind. I just can't imagine right now how this is going to play out or how I'm going to feel at the end of it all. I just know that the way I'm feeling right now is not how I imagined I would feel on Christmas day. I need to kick his ass just for that!

Happy Holidays!!

It's Christmas Eve and this is the time of year when people always make changes in their lives. Or at least when they decide that they need to make some changes.

I don't promise that I'll make any changes. I just do my best to be a better me. So this year I wish all that wander upon my blogspot a wonderful holiday season and all the blessesings, happiness, and success that you can handle!!

Envision your future as you want to see it and make love a priority!

Nervous

I haven't talked about this because I guess for some reason it just didn't feel real to me. I've had very minimal feelings about it which I think is strange. Sometimes I feel a tinge of excitement and other times it just feels like a story that I'm reading. I'm unsure of what to expect. I've been trying to read things online but the things that I've read have only made added to my nervousness.

Ya see, next year I'm going to Ghana. I'm a little excited about it today because I just found out that instead of flying coach as we originally thought, we'll be flying business class. So right now I'm most excited to know that I'll be comfortable on this 18hour flight to Acra, Ghana.

I'll be going to Ghana with some co-workers on a special project that our company is taking part in for the 1st time ever. My company in the U.S. is joining up with our company in the UK and in Ghana to build houses in the Ashanti Region of Ghana. Now anyone that knows me is probably thinking. You build houses???...well yeah me! LOL. I'm all for paying to get things done right and quickly rather than doing it myself and be unsure of the final results. However, I don't mind getting my hands dirty and love the feeling of accomplisment when my efforts are something that will be useful for someone else. So that's what I'm going to do.

I'm actually the U.S. Team Leader in this 1st endeaver. What I'm a little nervous about is not the work but moreso how I will be perceived. After searching the internet for Gay Ghana all I found were negative articles sighting that homosexuality is illegal and Police and inhabitants of Ghana sometimes beat or kill those who they think may be gay for purely stereotypical reasons. Now I'm by no means flamboyantly gay but I'm also not the stereotypical macho man either. So this is where my concerns come in as the customs in this country are quite different from our own in the States.

An example of that is: we are required to meet the King of the villiage to gain his approval to build for his villiagers. What this process is right now I don't know. I'm sure I'll find out before we go but it still makes me nervous. Will I be asked if I am married and have children and if not why not? You know the questions that your family may wonder about but never say anything.

While I'm excited about the opportunity to do some good for people in Africa and having the opportunity to do some sightseeing there for free for 2 weeks. I'm still a little apprehensive about what I might encounter. I will however, make sure that I understand the customs of this country so that I do not offend anyone while visiting.

I am excited about this opportunity also because my mother company was happy that employees came up with this project,, are backing us financially and they'd like to do something like this world-wide on a regular basis in the future. If this project is successful I'm going to try to create a new job out of it. Maybe I'll be the Director of International Charitable Affairs or something..LOL What I do know is that if I'm able to create this position I'll be able to see the world for free!

Has anyone been to Ghana and can give me some advice?

What Kinda...

I don't know who this baby is or who it belongs to. Just thought it was cute and needed something to go along with my post. LOL

So I was stuck at home pretty much all weekend doing this month-end ritual that I've been assigned for work. It's horrid I tell you absolutley horrid. I think my manger put me on it so that I can be frustrated with the process and get it fixed. It's the most tedius thing I've ever had to do in my life and takes like 6 hours to do each day. I was thinking I can't wait til she goes out on maternity leave! I'll try to get some of those off-shore guys to do this crap.

Anyway, so I'm doing this process and I get an email response from her. Ok, no big deal. I just thought damn this woman is pregnant and due any day now and her ass is working on a Sunday afternoon. Her ass needs to sit down somewhere and rest.

30 mins later I get another email from her. This time she's sending out an annoucement that she had her baby on Thanksgiving day. I was like what the hell is wrong with her ass. She just had the baby 10 mins ago and she's already online responding to emails and I'm sure doing other work. Well at least we won't have to deal with her for a few more weeks. Knowing her she won't take the entire maternity leave...just like she didn't when she had her 3yo. I can't wait til this new baby is a terrible 2yo and the other is 5yo. Maybe then her ass will calm down a little cuz she'll be so damn tired from running around with the kids then everybody else will have a little peace.

I'm laughing to myself because this post is like a Look at this Nigger type post. LOL

You Just Don't Know

I don't know if it's the season or what...but I have been feeling soooo thankful these days. I'm not going to question it I'm just going to keep on thanking him as much as possible. Something good is about to happen I can feel it coming.

I Can't Believe...

You know I wish I had listened to Ledisi's song Thank You from her Christmas CD before writing my last post because I would have added it to that post.

This song speaks to me and to the reason why I made my last post. I'm very thankful for my experiences and mostly thankful to God for keeping me safe and loved even when I don't realize that I am. The link below is just a short clip of the song. Oh yeah, I'm really really feeling Ledisi's Christmas CD but then again...I like everything she does!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!

http://site.soulmusicstore.com/media/12-ThankYou_1.mp3

Thank you

I'm having a quiet evening listening to Sarah Vaughan and reading blogs. One blog( lmross-moanerplicities ) got me to thinking about people in my life. His Blog was thanking people who had saved his life. Some of my friends have passed away who gave me life and some are still here but I don't often get to see them or talk to them. I just want to thank those that are gone and the ones still here for being in my life and helping me to become who I am today. It's important to thank your friends and tell them that you love them. I think I'm going to call those that I haven't seen in a long time tomorrow. I miss them!!

Friends that have gone to live with God:

2 Michael's, 2 Kevin's, 2 Greg's, Vernon, Rhonda, Ronnie, Marcus, Clifford, Pierre, Papoose, Tony, Juanita, Reggie, Dorothy, Ernest, 2 Joey's, Al, Vincent, Eleanor, Audrey, Sidney, Iona, Steve, Chris, Claude, Michaelangelo, Shawn...I had to stop listing these names it was making me sad. There are plenty more though and I'm thinking about them as well.

Friends that I haven't seen in a long time:

Ari, Terry, Kevin, Fidel, William, Monte, Doug, Mitch, Antonio, Allan, Alain, 2 Demetrius', Steven, Lorna, Denice, Janice, Foster, Will, 3 Charles', Albert, Alex, 3 Ron's, Terrance, 2 Marlon's, Henry, Ron, 2 Keith's, Roderick, Troy, Michael, 2 Donald's, Reggie, Earl, Allen, Cliff, Daniel, Sabrina, 2 Tony's, 2 Mark's, Ricky, Tanya, Hank, Dorn, Jack, Victor, Danielle, Jessica, Dwayne, James, Kitty, Harold. Erroll. Lee, Darryl, Eric, Patrick, Ray, Tim, Marcus, Marva, Jamal, 2 Brian's, Maurice, Michelle, Jerry, Tracey, 2 Melvins, Wayne, Orson, Eddie, Kenny....Getting sad again so I'm stopping.

It Was Time

I just found this while looking for my birth certificate. I can tell it was typed on a typewriter...so you know it's old...shaddup all you youngins. Yall probably never typed on a typewriter before.

It's from many years ago...not even sure when this was done...




It was time



I never dreamed...it would be so easy, to finally walk on out the door...but I'm tired of tryin' to make you smile...and livin' everyday on trial...and tired of always bein' the one---who loved a little more.



It was time...

When you really get down to the bottom line, we never had the poetry...we just tried to make it rhyme...



It was time...

that we were over...it was time.

and now I know the emptiness I'm feelin' --- is more for what we missed than what we had...



But watchin' somethin' dyin' slow...

can hurt much more than lettin' go...and even whith the loneliness you know...

I'm almost glad...



Guess I wasn't right for you, and you weren't right for me...

and it doesn't pay to sell your soul...

just for company...



It's better bein' lonely....



It was time.

Dear Anonymous

You who read my blog know that most of the time I do not respond to negative comments. You might not know that a lot of times I delete them. I made a post after Obama's victory. Short and sweet. My post mentioned change as did President Elect Obama's campaign. If one believes that there would not be some type of a change by just him being the president is misguided. I would not venture to guess what the changes will be but there's no question in my mind that there will be some. Be it his policies, america's thought about black men, or just that the president is Black and not White.

More than anything in the world I hate statistics simply because one can say whatever one wants using them. As did Anonymous.

He/she said, Obama won because of 60% of the white and Latino vote went to him and that... only 20% of the black population even voted. Just looking at those numbers makes a statement. However, the numbers do leave some important information out. What percentage of the White population voted? What percentage of the Latino population voted? Was it 20% of those populations that voted also? Is this 60% from White and 60% from Latino populations or from all votes 6o% were White and Latino? I won't claim to know the answers. For the numbers to mean anything those questions should be answered I think. I will agree that if only 20% of all the Black population voted that that is sad. I wonder if some of the Black people that would have wanted to vote couldn't for some reason good or bad? Guess more statistics are need for that answer.

I do believe that Obama was voted in by all faces of America and I have heard no reports nor did I state that the Black Community should take credit for his win. The anonymous he/she quoted a study that was conducted on why Blacks were voting for Obama and that not one could come up with a reason except change. When asked what they wanted changed they couldn't answer. Hmmmm, that sounds suspect to me. Anonymous if you watch most network news you'll notice that sometimes reporters gravitate to those that might give an uneducated response to any question. Still I even find it hard to believe that an uneducated person wouldn't be able to verbalize one change. Hmm was the interviewer too aggressive or condescending and the person being interviewed just refused to answer. I guess we'll never know unless you Anonymous were the interviewer and can shed some light.

Later Anonymous says that 60% of whites that voted for Obama did so because of the facts that he brought and that he/she believed the election showed that the racial divide still exist, but with the Black population. So we're back to the 60% again. So again is this 60% of all whites that voted or 60% of the whites that voted for Obama? If it's 60% that voted for him then 40% only voted for change and possibly didn't know what they wanted changed either?

Anonymous states he/she comes from an area that has overcome the racial divide. Please let me know what that area is so that I can move there! This is an assumption on my part but I suspect that Anonymous is not Black. It's sometimes difficult for those not experiencing racism to know the many subtleties of it. That's no fault of Anonymous' own it's just very difficult to empathize with things that you have no real understanding of. But I see he/she is trying and that should be commended.

The last statements on my blob by Anonymous I'm posting verbatim.

It will not be until all of us can stop separating each other till we all can come together.It was a historical election, not to say the least.

I have no idea why Anonymous chose my blog to make his/her statement. Anonymous...you damn tootin it's historical! As you saw, my statement on President Elect Obama's win was simple and did not say that We Black People Did It. So Anonymous (which i think is Bitch-Assness to post anonymously) if anyone is perpetuating a divide it is you. So maybe your area has not progressed as much as you think it has. You certainly haven't. I take my earlier statement back. I don't want to know what area you live in or want to move there. It would appear that there is still some unresolved racism lurking deep within the bowels of your area's population. I wonder what percentage that is? When you're down to 0% and all have shit that ignorance out and wiped your asses truly clean then let me know where that area is. Until then Anonymous I do sincerely hope that I have facilitated some change to your heart and thoughts.



Oh yeah Anonymous...who started this anyway? I know I want it to stop!

Yes We Did!!!

In the words of Sophia in the Color Puprle, "...thangs gonna change round heah!"

Mind Medicine

I believe that everyone creates a path that we trudge optimistically towards our goals. Sometimes we get turned around and sometimes we might stumble and fall or almost fall. Whatever the case may be it jolts your system and you have to regroup so that you can continue on the path of your goals. Sometimes it's hard to get up or keep moving but stopping should not be an option.

Treat your life as if it's a movie with a theme song and music for each stumble and triumph. If you need some assistance in finding the music to pick you up and put you back on your path you might want to check out Soul Motivations (Mind medicine) by Dwayne Barnes. You can purchase this cd on cdbaby.com and have the disc sent to you or download the mp3 version of it for quicker gratification. You can also listen to a couple of the tracks before you purchase it. I have 3 favorites already. Onna' Move, Beautiful Life and So So Good.

I happen to know Dwayne and knew that he is an actor, producer, song writer and stylist, but he kept what feels like a secret from me. Although I'm sure it wasn't really a secret. Guess I just didn't ask the right question. He can sing as well!

Dwayne has a voice that is reminiscent of old skool soul with a neo soul current reality. In old skool soul you get your emotions of love laid out on the table that rang true for so many. Neo soul does that same thing but with a new beat to keep up with the times. This CD of Dwayne's is full of emotions but not the emotions that one has already heard about. Soul Motivations is about honoring yourself and realizing that you can do whatever it is that you need to do. You just have to believe in yourself.

So if you need some encouragement because you've lost your way a little don't fret. Listen to this mind medicine to give you the dose of what you need to achieve what at the moment might feel unachievable.

Thank you Dwayne for sharing your gift with me and to thank you I'm sharing it with others, gladly.

You Gotta Do It

Every year the book club that I'm a member of attempts to go on a weekend retreat somewhere in driving distance from LA. This year we went to Palm Springs. Actually we go to Palm Springs a lot for our retreats. The reason is that there are plenty of houses there available to rent for any given period of time. We took our retreat last weekend for a much needed getaway from Los Angeles and thoughts of all that we left behind.

Renting houses actually is much nicer than staying in a hotel if you take a trip with several friends or family members. We always rent a house that includes a pool and jacuzzi. I was able to catch up on some reading, swim as if I didn't have a care in the world and luxuriate in the great jacuzzi.

Since I got to the house 1st I was able to pick my room. I picked the Master Bedroom that included our course it's own bathroom and a room that was so big it also had it's own living room with sofa, chair and coffee table. A sliding glass door to this room took me to the master's pvt patio.

We all enjoyed our stay in Palm Springs as we ventured into the city's downtown area only 2 miles away to eat, and shop. Palm Springs is full of retirees and many white gay men. Not our flavor but that wasn't the purpose of our trip anyway. The people in this city are very relaxed and very friendly. Probably because most are retired or just have enough money that they don't have to have an attitude about anything.

If your in Los Angeles or close by you should try a trip to Palm Springs. If your in any city that has a resort like town close by check out renting a house. You won't regret it and at the same time you'll get to spend quality time with people you care about.

Below are pictures of the pool and bedroom suite where I spent most of my time last weekend.

Unforgettable Divas

In my last post I forgot to mention two other Divas that were at the show. Please forgive me all of you that are fans of theirs. Getting old causes you to forget and overlook things that are staring you right in the face.

Speaking of staring you right in the face. Performer, singer and actress Sherri Lewis , one of the Divas that I forgot to mention tells her story of a new love at the age of 33yo, that one might think would have been lost due to her newly discovered HIV+ status. Her story pulled at your heartstrings. The anticipated still waters of a new relationship happily endured the information of the disease once thought of as a death sentence. The love of Sherri's now husband is ever flowing. Sherri was quite the Diva in a Pink dress and boa. After hearing her story and listening to her sing the only word that comes to mind is inspirational! Read this story on Sherri located on The Body webpage. Here's an interview with Sherri on youtube. It's important that we hear the stories of women with HIV as we don't hear these stories enough.

Thank you Sherri for pulling the coat tail of this aging man!

The other Diva that I forgot to mention was Kym Whitley. I don't know how I forgot her because she was hillarious as you can well imagine. On top of that she looks really good! Normally, Sheryl Lee Ralph has one of my favorites Jennifer Lewis for comic releif at the show but this year as I said in my last post Jennifer could not be in attendance. Kym was a welcome addition and I hope she comes back again and again. Kym opened the show and as she was talking Norwood comes walking down the aisle making his grand entrance. Now everyone knows that you shouldn't come in late to a show if a comedian is going to be in the show, becasue they will call you out in some way. And that she did. "...Only Norwood could wear a cheatah suit and afro". All eyes on Norwood and the laughter ensued.

Norwood Young in cheatah. I don't think they like him on Bossip.com.

Divas Simply Singing

I went to the Diva's Simply Singing fundraiser last night. It's billed as, A magical evening of song and entertainment benefiting Women Alive coalition and Sister Circle: South Africa. This event has been presented by Sheryl Lee Ralph for 18 years addressing issues surrounding HIV/AIDS. It's an event that should be held all around the country so those of you in other cities could enjoy what I did last night.

I think what Sheryl Lee Ralph does is amazing and she is a Diva. There's no taking that away from her. It's wonderful all the work that she does in the fight against HIV/AIDS and she deserves a Lifetime Achievement award in my opinion. She didn't sing herself last night because she had a touch of laryngitis so that was missed out on this year. Jennifer Lewis who is usually at these show was in Europe this year. She did however, do a comical monologue for the audience. She said she'll be back in time for November 4th. You do know what that is right!?

These are once in a lifetime lineups. You'd probably never see this group of ladies and an occasional man on the same stage again.

Here's who was sang at last nights performance.

Patti Austin - What can you say about Patti's voice. Simply angelic. Although she did cuss a couple of times before she started singing. I loved it...it was funny and made her feel like a real person to me. It felt like you were sitting around the house talking to an aunt and you heard her cuss for the 1st time. LOL


















Coko - She gave just what one would expect.

Sarah Dash - I had to go to the bathroom so I missed her performance. It was a long as show and I had had two Jack's on the rocks. Damn Damn Damn

Loretta Devine - She did her thing. Nothing bad to say and extrordianary. You know how Loretta does. She's a Dreamgirl original and she performed.

Ellia English - She played Jamie Foxx's aunt on the Jamie Foxx show. I really enjoyed her she sang one of those blusey I don't want a one minute man gut bucket songs. She sang it right after Coko did a gospel number and explained that she knows who she is so there's nothing wrong with her singing this song after her. And you know what...there wasn't anything wrong with it. Totally loved it.

Sieda Garrett - You know the audience really didn't give Sieda the love that she deserved. I'm not sure why because she sounded really really good. Maybe they just weren't familiar with who she is and what she's done. She sang The Man in the Mirror made famous by Michael Jackson. Maybe the audience didn't know that she wrote that song! To me she sang the hell out of it too!

Miki Howard - I was a little disappointed. I think she was off last night.

Rachelle Ferrell - Rachelle was the surprise songstress that wasn't in all the advertisement. What a wonderful surprise. When she walked on to the stage the audience gave her a standing ovation before she opened her mouth. Once she sat at the piano she said I was prepared to come out here sing but after that now I gotta sang! And SANG she did! I have no words to describe the experience of this beautiful instrument.

Rosyln Kind - A Jazz singer. I hadn't heard of her before and she was ok. I think she had picked a wider known song to sing she would have been more enjoyed. She in a moving airing Oct 18th on the Hallmark channel, with Florence Henderson, Donna Mills and Pam Grier in "Ladies of the House."

Lalah Hathaway - What can I say about this little woman that comes on the stage in a black gown barefoot. I know...I forgot all about her not having on shoes when she started sing..so I say..Sing dammit!

Raven-Symoné - She was funny as yall know. Lil mama (I mean a lil big mama) danced her ass off pulling down her skirt the whole time. She half jokingly called for security while this white lesbian professed her love to her while she was on stage speaking with Sheryl. So if you thought that only black people act up at shows you're wrong!!

Alicia Myers - Disco Diva returned. The audience didn't give her much love either but she did look good and sang well also. She sang I Want To Thank You. Some of you youngins might not know her. But you others will remember sweating to her music.

Leigh Jones - Some of yall might not know about Leigh. If not check her out you'll be surprised just like most of the people in the audience were. Un huh yeah they were. Click on her name for a link to a youtube video of hers. Her latest CD is nice too.

Angie Stone - Angie, Angie, Angie...lawd I don't know why you put that dress on baby girl. You can sing you don't have to try to be creative by getting someone to put what appeared to be strips from a potato bag all over the front of a lime green dress. It was not cute at all. Oh no you got worst dressed last night. Even the pseudo drag queen that was in the audience with his grandmother's church hat on, that many of the performers took notice of, looked better dressed than you. I think you could have picked a better song too. Now I don't even remember what it was. I'm not sure anyone else does either, especially since you made everybody stand up and sway and the song never did anything to sway about. Angie, Angie, Angie.

Trin-I-Tee 5:7 - These are gospel girls if yall didn't know. They did a good job but it was at times with the choreography difficult to tell that this was a gospel song. But yall sang nonetheless. Click the link you'll see what I mean although the video doesn't show their moves like we witnessed last night. Maybe it's because they're so attractive or something I don't know judge for yourself.

Now for the Devo's that were on stage.

Kenny Lattimore - He opened the show and did a little slow dance with Sheryl. Yeah Sheryl some of us wanted to be you in that situation. Hee hee.

Von Smith - He'd remind you of a young Sam Harris from...oh shoot I can't remember the name of the show. You know the one I'm talking about that was on before American Idol became the famous show featuring singers who wanted to break into the business..shoot somebody help me. Anyway, I understand he 1st got his big recognition by posting himself singing And I'm Telling you on youtube. Ok, I found the name of the show...Star Search! Thank you Fullundie! Click on Von's name to see the youtube spot.

Donald Lawrence - Grammy award-winning songwriter, producer, arranger and music director ended the show with most of the ladies and a gospel choir on stage. What's the term for an orgasm that is not as big as you thought it would be. Oh yeah Anti-climatic. Nuff said.

Oh my stars! I almost forgot the star of the show!!

Patti LaBelle - Ok now don't tell anybody this but I've never been that big of a fan of Patti's but I do give her much deserved respect. With that being said, she did sing and perform her ass off. I thoroughly enjoyed her stage presence and an I don't know what that came across on stage. Maybe it was her genuineness. I don't know but she was excellent.

I'm Free

Sometimes it takes a minute to get yourself back together. I've been making posts but not really saying exactly what was on my mind. That's because I was in something. (don't want to call it a relationship, because admittedly that's not what it was)

Now that it is over I feel free. I'll call him Illusion. I enjoyed Illusion's company, he was intelligent, attractive, and extremely charming. It just didn't work out and it didn't end nicely either. There wasn't any fighting, yelling or anything like that. He said that he wasn't the man that he felt that I needed. I should have just said ok and let it go but I slipped and wanted to be heard. How unnecessary was that? I knew it was coming to this but he just beat me to saying it.

I'm glad that I had the good times that I did. I'm doubly glad that it is over. I did make one mistake a week or so after things ended, trying to contact Illusion in person one more time offering something that I know he needed.

I shouldn't have done that but I don't regret it. Since then there has been no contact or much thought about him and I feel real good about it.

There was someone who has (I'll call him Jag) wanted to get to know me for awhile but I couldn't because I was trying to figure out what this thing was. Jag understood and never tried to make waves to the thing I was in. He didn't call me or make snide remarks when he saw me in public on very few occaisions.

Not two days after my mistake of attempting to contact Illusion. I ran into Jag in the grocery store of all places. He saw me before I saw him. He called my name and we began to talk. On every occaisions that I had seen him prior he had not asked if I was still in that thing. This time he did. I told him that I wasn't. He didn't smile but looked a little sad and asked me if I was ok. I assurred him that I was. And feeling free. And I really am, no more worries about the illusion, no more feeling sorry for the illusion, no more wondering if the illusion is being honest, no more illusions.

Jag said he would call the next day and he did. We talked about family, politics, travel, religion, charity and more. He said he would call again and he did. He invited me to dinner and I accepted. We went to Union Station in downtown Los Angeles. I thought we were going to the restaurant Traxx that's housed inside, but we headed for the trains. We boarded a train headed for Del Mar. Once in Del Mar we caught a cab to the Pamplemousse Grille . The ride took a little over an hour and allowed us to talk on the train before enjoying a wonderful dinner and continued great conversation.

Sometimes you have to go through something to get to something. I have no expectations of this going anywhere but it was fun and I enjoyed the moment. I'm grateful for all that I've gone through to get to where I am. I have many memories that I'll cherish and I know there will be more.

I wish illusion much success because I refuse to dwell in a thing that was never going to be anything. I do not wish him any ill and hope that mentally he will be well.

I'm here enjoying the moments.

Rebuke in Verse

Get them back...they don't deserve to be close to you. You don't have to do a thing because it's already been done. Just be still and you'll see.

Protected

There had been a storm in my life as I'm sure you could tell by the types of posts I had been making. I had to read this Psalm several times to remember...

I hope it helps you if you too feel like you are in a storm that just won't seem to pass. Trust in the Lord because the storm will pass leaving you victorious if you just remember...




Psalm 118
1 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.
2 Let Israel say: "His love endures forever."
3 Let the house of Aaron say: "His love endures forever."
4 Let those who fear the LORD say: "His love endures forever."
5 In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and he answered by setting me free.
6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?
7 The LORD is with me; he is my helper. I will look in triumph on my enemies.
8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.
9 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes.
10 All the nations surrounded me, but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.
11 They surrounded me on every side, but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.
12 They swarmed around me like bees, but they died out as quickly as burning thorns; in the name of the LORD I cut them off.
13 I was pushed back and about to fall, but the LORD helped me.
14 The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.
15 Shouts of joy and victory resound in the tents of the righteous: "The LORD's right hand has done mighty things!
16 The LORD's right hand is lifted high; the LORD's right hand has done mighty things!"
17 I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done.
18 The LORD has chastened me severely, but he has not given me over to death.
19 Open for me the gates of righteousness; I will enter and give thanks to the LORD.
20 This is the gate of the LORD through which the righteous may enter.
21 I will give you thanks, for you answered me; you have become my salvation.
22 The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone;
23 the LORD has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes.
24 This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
25 O LORD, save us; O LORD, grant us success.
26 Blessed is he who comes in the name of the LORD. From the house of the LORD we bless you.
27 The LORD is God, and he has made his light shine upon us. With boughs in hand, join in the festal procession up to the horns of the altar.
28 You are my God, and I will give you thanks; you are my God, and I will exalt you.
29 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

Revelation in Imagery

To say the least I've had some experiences that have taken me to places I didn't necessarily choose to go on my own accord. Instead of recounting the good and the bad, I've chosen these images and captions to tell you where I've been and where I am now.

If you understand these transitions let me know.

1. Momentarily Refreshed

2. Darkest before the dawn

3. Cleansed by the light

























4. Master of my soul

Ain't No Way

One thing I've learned in my years of living is that you can't make anyone love you the way that you want them to unless that is exactly what they want to do effortlessly. At some point you're going to have to either let them love you like they know how or let them go.





It's up to you to decide what your spirit can take. I think Aretha said it best with her song ain't no way. Also, Kenny Lattimore has remade this song on his new cd and it is very very good!

Check out Aretha

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-WoC9RfuoU

Courage

It takes courage to steadfastly maintain ones virtues. Alas, that is the true measure of courage.

To erratically pontificate prose of bliss while matriculating to distractions of the lotteries of life, one falls short of the gifts bestowed by God.

At Times

At times life offers very cruel solutions for one's reality.

Thoughts?

With Eyes Closed

I could hear it rumbling like an 18 wheel truck making its way down a Los Angeles poorly maintained street.

The ungodly concrete lay cold, coarse and helpless as the roots of the Ficus trees traversed just beneath its belly premeditatedly to malign it's hardened arrogance with multiple fractures.

Native Son

At first I couldn't think of what to title this post because I'm still so angry. Then I started writing and it came to me. Here's what happened.

I went to my family reunion in Maryland and had a wonderful time. I had a straight through flight coming back, where I sat by the window and read Grace After Midnight by Felicia "Snoop" Pearson. The book took us through the changes in her life leading up to a her role on the HBO show The Wire.

As I finished her book in flight, I thought about how different my life had been and how far removed I was from the stereotypes and choices that she had to make in her life.

Well as you know life has a way of slapping you right back into reality. I exited the plane and proceeded to go to baggage claim to get my luggage. 3 flights of bags were all being unloaded at the same baggage claim. You can imagine the number of people waiting for their bags.

Since my flight was the last flight to arrive I knew there would be some time before I could retrieve my bag. I decided to walk outside and have a much needed cigarette. I stepped outside lit my smoke and a white woman began screaming at me.

"Oh no you don't" she said.

"No I don't what?" was my response.

"You can't do that here. You must not be from California." still screaming at the top of her lungs she said "I'll call the police on you right now."

So to avoid this crazy woman I walked 5 feet away from her and found an ashtray were I completed smoking my cigarette. She looked over at me and sneared as she blew me a kiss. This was not a gesture of endearment by any means. She was taunting me.

I'm a responsible smoker when it comes to those who don't smoke. I thought to myself instead of this woman going off like this all she had to do was to say the smoking section is over there or something. I would have taken no objection to that what-so-ever. So after finishing my cigarette and before retrieving my bag I decided to say just that to the woman . As I approached her from a respectable distance I began my attempt to educate her. I wanted this woman to know that she could not talk to me any way that she chose and that all of her antics were unnecessary.

Well before I could get a complete sentence out she began screaming again and dialing 911. She was again screaming at the top of her lungs for me not to touch her. To get away from her. Then the bitch had the nerve to say that I was assaulting her. She repeated that over and over and over again. Then she started screaming you touched me stop it don't touch me. He's assaulting me. I never touched the bitch. One of the taxi attendants walked over and said "man it's not worth it". I agreed and with that I walked back into the baggage claim area.

5 seconds later one of the airport traffic cops walked in and asked me to come outside. He said that I needed to wait for the police to arrive to make a statement. What the fuck! A statement, why should I have to make a statement about that crazy bitch. I thought fast. There were mostly white people in the area and I could not count on them being a witness to my behavior. So I told them that the Taxi attendant was right there so make sure that they grabbed him to corroborate my statements. They compliied.

The airport cop walked back inside with me to get my bag and await the police. Not 5 minutes later 9 police officers had arrived. NINE! I kid you not! I explained to one Asian officer what happened and he asked me if she was on the plane with me or if I knew her. To both I answered no.

He then asked for my ID. I'm assuming so that I wouldn't run away. 6 of the other officers stayed behind while I still waited for my bag. The officer came back and gave me my ID and asked if I was leaving after I got my bag. Of course I was leaving you dumb ass. I don't live at the airport is what I wanted to say. But didn't.

He then told me that the reason there were so many officers was because they got a report of domestic violence. 1st of all I didn't know the woman nor did I touch her. It's beyond me why they hadn't contacted the airport cops...(traffic cops I guess) to find out the true situation before even coming to the spot. What also astonished me was how quickly they arrived and how they really thought that I did do something to the bitch. If I had done anything to her there would have been no question about it. I wanted to bang the bitches head into the plate glass window for screaming at me the way she was.

I never was able to completely understand why Bigger in Richard Wright's, Native Son killed Mary and the affect it had on him. This situation sort of brought the idea in Wright's book to light for me. Notes on that portion of the book read: Mary’s murder gives Bigger a sense of power and identity he has never known. I think my thoughts of making her head a plate glass smasher aligns with that statement to a certain extent. Especially since only 1 black person came to try to diffuse the situation at all. He must have felt what I was feeling before.

The funny thing was that I wasn't even embarrassed when she was screaming. Anyone in the area could see that she has some issues. There are a lot of analogies I could make from this situation and I'm sure that actually all of them apply.

Like I said life has a way of slapping you back into reality. America has not changed very much even though the media tries to make us think it has. Black men are still the villians and the crazy white bitches are still the victims.

Don't be fooled.

Artwork by BARBARA KINSEY

Direct Your Life

A friend of mine sent me these 24 items that one should do every day. He sent it in one of those chain email things that everyone gets all the time and just deletes them. For some reason I read this one. Supposedly knowing and doing these things will make your life better. I don't think there are any scientific facts related to all these things that will prove that they will in fact improve your life. On the other hand I don't think any of them will hurt. So if you can take just one or two of these items into you daily life, I would think that at the very least your life will be a little more pleasant on some level and place your life in the direction that you want it to go.

1. Take (at least) a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today.'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli , almonds & walnuts.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. In stead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

17. Forgive everyone for everything.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

19. GOD heals everything.

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!!

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________.Today I accomplished _________.

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

I'm adding this one.

25. I'm not Bitter, I'm Better.

Happy Jackie Washington Day!

I know I'm 2 days late but I wanted to wish you all a Happy Jackie Washington's Day! Jackie Washington's Day is every July 15th.

If you haven't seen the movie you should. Actually, Jackie Washingon Day can be any day you like cuz you will always have a good time.

Meet some friends down at the Threaded Needle and celebrate. You might even run into Cadillac the biggest Pimp in Kinlock at his regular table. If you haven't seen the movie, watch this trailer for a tidbit of what's in store. If you like crazy comedy you'll buy this one. It is a cult classic.

Enjoy!

Jackie's Back Trailer

I Never Said Good Morning

it's early saturday morning

i wake you up and tell you that we have to go help your cousin..(you buy that cuz she always needs your help)

surprisingly you didn't even ask what was wrong this time

we quickly get dressed and head to the car

we get in the car and i'm driving

but instead of heading to your cousin's we head in another direction

stop asking me baby I'm not telling you where we're headed you'll see soon enough

we're on our way to the airport you scream

you're suddenly confused, asking me why we are here

i tell you that I'm taking you on a short trip

cover your eyes so you can't see our destination i want it to be a surprise.

you bombard me with questions.

how long are we staying?

what about clothes?

do i need a jacket?

i just look out the window

i park the car and walk you into the airport

we are in flight and the damn pilot announces how long it's going to take to get to Tobago

u get excited and squeeze my hand

i smile back at you

we arrive in Tobago and a white bentley picks us up and takes us to a white villa

as we walk through the lavishly decorated home you say i love you baby

your surprises are the best

we go to the kitchen and i give you something to drink and then undress you

stay right there I say

in the bedroom i open a suitcase that i had shipped prior to our arrival with our clothes

turn your back to me baby, i say as i walk towards you

i tie a colorful sorong around your waist that highlights the beauty of your skin and another around myself

i guide you to the back yard that is surrounded by lush landscaping

i take your hand and walk you through the trees to a clearing near a stream and small waterfall

i turn you to face me and tell you how much you mean to me.

i tell you how glad i am that i found you.

i tell you how you have enhanced my life

i tell you that my life before you was only preparation for you

and then get down on one knee and say

since life has now pepared me for you

there's no way that i want to grow old without you

will you marry me?

when you stop crying and say yes

our families run out of the trees cheering and smiling

they hug you and pull you away from me kissing you and laughing

i walk through the crowd of our families searching for your hand

i find it and pull you close to me

your head rest on my chest only hearing my heart beat

it's saying to you...i only beat for you

after the celebration and our families return to their hotels

we venture back to the waterfall in the warm night air only in our sorongs naked underneath

we end the night making love with the mist of the waterfall wetting our bodies until we glisten

the smell of gardenias envelopes us as we begin to fall asleep in each others arms.

i whisper in your ear,

hey baby i never said good morning.

Friends

The best thing about friends is that you get to pick them.

In this community they become your family.

They are a true reflection of who you are.

When you're in different cities they're only a phone call away.

If they've passed away you feel them when you need what they offered while living.

There's nothing better than good friends.

Who are your good friends?

Sometimes

Sometimes you gotta get a little dirty before you can be clean

Do you feel it coming?

Do you feel it coming?

You may not know the force behind it, but you know it's coming.

You have no words only guttural sounds.

It's makes you giggle.

Your senses are heightened.

Your skin tingles.

Your breath is shallow.

You wonder if they know that it's coming too.

It makes your eyes flutter.

and your heart beat faster.

You know it's coming.

You can feel it.

It's almost here.

In anticipation you can feel yourself about to burst.

You know it's coming.

Your face is flushed.

What will it feel like you wonder.

That's half the excitement.

You want it to last forever.

You want to feel it all over you.

Oh My God!

Thank you God!

Shit!

Here it comes!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

You have found love, happiness, success and peace.


With my mind set on higher things.
These things have become my footstool.
I'm determined to reach my goal.
I need peace for my soul.

I wish you well

I've been feeling Mariah Carey's song I Wish You Well.




Read I Wish You Well lyrics

This post is not meant for any one in particular. Just kind of how I feel when things with promise turn to disappointment. I've always said...enjoy the moment. I have lived by this for a few years now and it really works. I think also what helps me is knowing that God is looking after me and knows my heart. It's too bad that sometimes friends, lovers and family members don't always know your heart.

It's unfortunate that liars, cheaters, whores, drug addicts and dealers, con-artists and the like, are never able to feel safe enough to trust anyone. In their minds they have concocted scenarios of deception that only bind them to their own dismal existence of mayhem. It's unfortunate because if only they were able to trust just one person the rain of rath that continually emerges in their lives would certainly subside. It's unfortunate that they never will, as it's not in their nature. They're too angry with themselves and their lives. They attack , misuse and ravenously devour any goodness that comes their way. Therefore, they will remain in the muck smelling of shit.

I wish them well.