Sometimes

Sometimes you gotta get a little dirty before you can be clean

Do you feel it coming?

Do you feel it coming?

You may not know the force behind it, but you know it's coming.

You have no words only guttural sounds.

It's makes you giggle.

Your senses are heightened.

Your skin tingles.

Your breath is shallow.

You wonder if they know that it's coming too.

It makes your eyes flutter.

and your heart beat faster.

You know it's coming.

You can feel it.

It's almost here.

In anticipation you can feel yourself about to burst.

You know it's coming.

Your face is flushed.

What will it feel like you wonder.

That's half the excitement.

You want it to last forever.

You want to feel it all over you.

Oh My God!

Thank you God!

Shit!

Here it comes!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

You have found love, happiness, success and peace.


With my mind set on higher things.
These things have become my footstool.
I'm determined to reach my goal.
I need peace for my soul.

I wish you well

I've been feeling Mariah Carey's song I Wish You Well.




Read I Wish You Well lyrics

This post is not meant for any one in particular. Just kind of how I feel when things with promise turn to disappointment. I've always said...enjoy the moment. I have lived by this for a few years now and it really works. I think also what helps me is knowing that God is looking after me and knows my heart. It's too bad that sometimes friends, lovers and family members don't always know your heart.

It's unfortunate that liars, cheaters, whores, drug addicts and dealers, con-artists and the like, are never able to feel safe enough to trust anyone. In their minds they have concocted scenarios of deception that only bind them to their own dismal existence of mayhem. It's unfortunate because if only they were able to trust just one person the rain of rath that continually emerges in their lives would certainly subside. It's unfortunate that they never will, as it's not in their nature. They're too angry with themselves and their lives. They attack , misuse and ravenously devour any goodness that comes their way. Therefore, they will remain in the muck smelling of shit.

I wish them well.

Smiling Faces

Smiling faces sometimes pretend to be your friend
Smiling faces show no traces of the evil that lurks within
Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes
They don't tell the truth
Smiling faces, smiling faces Tell lies and I got proof
The truth is in the eyes
Cause the eyes don't lie, amen
Remember a smile is just A frown turned upside down
My friend let me tell you
Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes
They don't tell the truth,
Smiling faces, smiling faces Tell lies and I got proof
Beware, beware of the handshake
That hides the snake
I'm telling you beware Beware of the pat on the back It just might hold you back
Jealousy Misery Envy
Your enemy won't do you no harm
Cause you'll know where he's coming from
Don't let the handshake and the smile fool ya
Take my advice I'm only try' to school ya

Some of the people in your life might have a slight resemblance to the pic above. Unfortunately, they don't look as comical or you'd be able to easily recognize them. Even if you don't recogonize them right away the truth always comes to the light.

Know that you are in God's favor and you won't have to be worried about these kinds of folk. I'm praying this prayer every day.

Father, I thank you that your favor is coming on me in a new way, and it's going to turn this situation around. It's going to cause these people to start treating me well.

The Touch of a Grandmother

My family is planning a Family Reunion in July. The reunion is taking place in Maryland. I haven't been back there in 3 years since my grandmother's funeral. I'm having a really hard time deciding to go to the reunion. It's just not going to be the same without her there. I miss her soooo much.

My mother and her sister sold her house where we all gathered. It was the house that my Great Grandfather built for my Great Grandmother. My Grandmother was born there and so was my mother.

It's going to be difficult. She made everyone feel important. Whose going to do that now? There is no one left in the family like her.

I know I'm rambling but I just miss her so much.

She told me I was her favorite. I found out later that she said that to everyone. We all believed that we were the favorite. I know I really was. I don' t care what the hell they say.

I miss my grandmother's touch.

On an Island

I'm somewhere on an island

languishing in the warmth of the night.

My thoughts are traveling farther than I have.

Possibilities of the future excite and cause me apprehension.

I'm somewhere on an island languishing in the warmth of the night.

I'm somewhere on an island, only in my mind.

Cause and Affect

Last week was not a good week. A woman that I've known for 11 years committed suicide. She was young, only 32 years old. She had a promising career that was escalating rapidly. She was engaged to be married on May 29th to a guy that also worked at my company. Her fiance found out while he was at his bachelor's party 4 hours drive away. One can only imagine how he must have felt to hear this news.

The assumption around the company is that she battled with depression. If there was a note left we'll probably not know the details of it. It's bad enough that she did it.

When things like this happen one wonders why someone would do this. Depression has many levels and when one goes to this length to end their life they assuredly are at the highest level. We've all been depressed and most are able to recover from it.

What was she going through that she could not handle? Did she feel that she didn't have anyone to talk to? Was it something that someone said to trigger it? Again, I'll never have the answer for these questions.

As Black men we keep a lot of our feelings close to us. Are we suseptible to such depressions. Probably so. I used to have friends in the same city that I could talk to. Many have died and some have moved. I write in my blog to help me through the times when it's not convenient for those far away to listen.

I had a small disagreement with someone that I care about on the same day that I found out about this suicide. They had no idea. Would our conversation have been different had they known. I'm not sure. I do know that after the disagreement I was very perturbed. Depressed no. Saddened yes.

Perhaps it's the ones that we care about who are at fault for the depression that we feel. Is it that one doesn't feel safe to share what's on their mind? Do we quickly map out the conversation with those we care about in our minds, knowning that they won't give emotionally what's needed?

Scientifically, one might say that most suicides are caused by a chemical imbalance and should have been treated with regular medication. Probably so. After the medication has run it's alotted course, for those in need of it, I believe the conversations with those they care about come crashing back to haunt and taunt them? The disagreement I had keeps coming back to me.

Along with the disagreement this suicide news warranted me to drive to San Diego to find some solice. I didn't tell anyone what happened there. I didn't want forced empathy. I wanted to enjoy feeling safe and loved to gear me up for the memorial service tomorrow. This service won't be easy because the story of these lives held so much promise.

You never know how words affect anyone. Especially if they don't tell you. I hope this disagreement with my friend will be resolved with out pain. I don't know how I affected him, he doesn't know how he affected me.

All I know is that there is always a cause and effect.

Hope Act Change

What's a man to do?

I haven't been blogging lately because there are so many thoughts and words going through my head that I can't seem to focus on one thought right now.

Kinda wishing I was a kid again when I didn' t have any worries other than who I was going to play with outside. Novel concept in today's world...you don't even see kids playing outside anymore.

So for now just trying to calm my thoughts down and focus my attention on the things that need to be done. And doing those things in a way that satisfies me. My blog is a place where I liked to express my thoughts and emotions. Right now I need to keep them to myself.

It won't take me too long to come back to myself.

I Carry Your Heart With Me

i carry your heart with me

i carry it in my heart

i am never without it

anywhere i go you go,my dear;

and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling
i fear no fate for you are my fate,my sweet

i want no world for beautiful you are my world,

my true and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;

which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart

i carry it in my heart

By E E Cummings

Wouldn't this be a nice thing to hear from someone that loves you? Even if you don't hear this I hope you feel it when you find someone that has the courage and strength to show you their love for you.

Know Your Truth

I was browsing blogs this morning and came accross this youtube post from Amourpropre. This brotha is 27 and he felt like he lost his truth. When you view the video post, you'll see what I mean.

It's so funny how we loose our truth. The truth being that we know who we are and what we want in life. Unfortunately, the desire for something is what sometimes takes you away from your truth. This separation from the truth can happen at any age and sometimes it can happen over and over again. It's the desire that takes us away.

I admire this brotha for so eloquently exposing himself so that others might learn from him. No matter the situation that is taking you away from your truth. There will be times when you will have to ask yourself if you are living your truth.

Ask yourself if you are living your truth.

I pray that you are.

Happy Easter

Yesterday

Nothing more needs to be said.

Just click this.

Be A Man About It

When did motha fukahs get so sensitive and weak that they can't tell you how they really feel? Or are they just being shady and sneeky?

Whatever the case maybe I don't have time for it. I'm not a mind reader and don't really like to mince words. Especially when you're supposed to be my friend or someone that I care about.

Unfortunately, I tend not to let go of folks like this so easy because of what I presume our relationship is. I'm only going to try to work it out on my own for a little while though.

Then I'm done. It's Alright- Ledisi

(Sorry for the cussin. It just pisses me off.)

Grace

Living in California you at many times get the opportunity to meet celebrities and some psuedo celebrities, depending on your circle of friends and profession. Although they are people just like you and me, often times they behave as if they are super people. They will instantly bring adjectives such as, arrogant, pompous, shady, mean, and many more to mind.

I had the opportunity to meet Trenyce a finalist from American Idol season 2 today. None of those words entered my mind. She performed for an event that we had at my company and I must say that she was extremely professional. Her spirit was genuine and she was in a word the epitome of Grace.

Her performance and professionalism was more than I could have hoped for. If you don't know sometimes you gotta check some celebrities cuz they can be rather ghetto for lack of a better word. Not Trenyce and If you ever have the opportunity to be in her presence you will enjoy every second of it.

Here's a couple of Youtube songs where you can hear some new songs from her. Click here

Auuuughhh

I just gotta tell this story because it still leaves me weak when I think of it. Last month I had my performance review at work. I hate those damn things for so many reason that I'm not going to get into here. Anyway, at my company they require employees to suggest a minimum of 3 people for your manager to solicit feedback on your performance. These 3 people must be someone that you have worked with during the year.

You never know who said what during your review unless the person solicited replies with something that identifies them. Usually the managers won't divulge information to give you a clue. Just general statements that anyone could make good or bad. Sometimes they don't even mention it.

During my review my manger told me that she recieved good feedback from the 3 people that I suggested. She documented two sentences that were positive. That all sounds good. However, she then revealed to me that she solicited additional responses after receiving the responses from those I suggested. Not unusual at all. Until she told me that she solicited 10 additional people to give feedback! She was surprised at the responses and said that this had never happened before. What had never happened before was her evil intentions not developing as she planned. All of the responses came back positive!! Fuckin Bitch!

I didn't react during this meeting because, like I said I don't care about these reviews and any negative reaction is just something else to be added to the next review. The thing that bothered me was her persistence in attempting to find negative feedback. 10 additional people solicited is abnormal. I'm positive that she tried 3 more and they came back positive so she kept going until she was exhausted or ran out of time before the deadline.

Thank you Lord for not allowing her weapons formed against me to prosper, but sometimes things like this cause me moments of weakness. It just makes me tired.

I was depressed.

There was a time when I was depressed. I felt like everyone around me took little pieces of my soul. They took those pieces and threw them to the side with the junk mail. At their whim they took those pieces and bounced them off the wall. Then threw it back with the junk mail to contemplate throwing out with the trash. There was a time when I was depressed. I felt like I was all alone in a room and no one could hear my cries for help. No one saw me crying. No one cared if I was crying. No one took the time to see. There was a time when I was depressed.

Who are these people that attempt to circumvent your world of peace with their malicious folly? Well I realized who they were. They are the ones that were depressed and not me. They are the ones whose souls were in pieces not mine. They were the ones who were crying and didn't want anyone to know.

I realized that I have a good life. I realized that I'm a good man with good intentions. I realized that my love is precious and abundant. I have more than enough to give. I realized my soul is whole. I realized that I am loved. Cuz I love me and it feels so good.

Along time ago I was only dreaming and now I'm awake with reality.

No Words

I simply have no words right now and just going to be still and think.

Think about me. Think about what people ask of me. Think about what people think of me and how they show it to me.

Just be still and think.

What's Your Man Saying?

On Aol today they had an article on Why Men Don't Communicate. This part of the article stuck out to me.

Guys Are More Comfortable With Actions Than Feelings
Rather than talking about how he "feels," often a man would rather express his love by changing her oil, or bringing home a flower, or relinquishing control of the remote.
And when men do talk, they'd prefer to talk about actions rather than emotions. For instance, a lot of guys would choose to express their long-range faith in a relationship by talking about next summer's vacation plans, not by launching into a soliloquy about undying love.
Both conversations can mean the same thing (that he plans on sticking around); he just prefers to say it with plane tickets, rather than poetry. It's one of the reasons men are more comfortable talking at work (the practical universe) than they are at home (the castle that emotion built). But you can bring out his great communicator by making him feel more like he's operating in work mode, even when the topic at hand is your love life. Here's an incredible article, "The Home Office," that shows how he can use his best office skills for great success at home.

I thought this section of the article was pretty good. Sometimes in person the words just don't come to me because of my day at work or I'm in that mode of just trying to forget all that happened at work and unwind. I think living alone has caused that period to last longer than it probably should. I know sometimes that I can write down how I feel a lot better than I can verbally express it. So I think for men in relationships with men we probably need to pay attention to the things he does a little more than what he says.

As the old saying goes...I can show you better than I can tell you. I guess that fits me to the T. Unless you piss me off then I can find all kinds of words. Even then I still need to take a min to determine how the situation has affected me.

The article ended with this: It's clear that some men are just plain tired of feeling like they're on the witness stand. They're not necessarily hiding anything; many guys simply prefer not to have to relate confusing feelings that they may not even understand themselves.
An age-old tactic can make things better: Back off a little, give him room to operate in a conversation, and he's more likely to open up.

Am I the only one that is like this?

A Valentine Future

What better way to be in the world but with your Valentine.

An unconventional meeting that surprises you.

Hearing a song that explains your feelings.

Sitting in the movies holding hands.

Waiting in the parking lot for him to arrive.

With all your heart wanting to protect him from harm.

A table for two at a cafe sipping wine.

The smile in his eyes when you say his name.

When he talks you out of the pain from the past.

Having a 3 hour lunch that you don't want to end.

Learning to love again.

Together dashing out of an event that has lulled in excitment.

His head in your lap as he slumbers after a long day.

Moments of silence but knowing he's there.

A soft kiss at the end of an evening.

Feeling his strength when walks in a room.

Knowing all those old love games are through.

Doubling back to make sure he's ok.

Knowing I'll be there.

He checks you when you're wrong.

The small of his back and nape of his neck.

He fearlessly brings you food and vitamins when your not well.

Experiencing the horizon leaning forward offering you space to place new steps of change.

Being the best of friends.

The way your name drips from his lips melodically.

Eliminating the fear driven insecurities.

Planning life together.

A Valentine Future is on it's way.

A Valentine Future to love always.

Happy Valentine's Day!

To all those who read this on Valentine's Day, love as you want to be loved. Open your heart and let them see.