The Touch of a Grandmother

My family is planning a Family Reunion in July. The reunion is taking place in Maryland. I haven't been back there in 3 years since my grandmother's funeral. I'm having a really hard time deciding to go to the reunion. It's just not going to be the same without her there. I miss her soooo much.

My mother and her sister sold her house where we all gathered. It was the house that my Great Grandfather built for my Great Grandmother. My Grandmother was born there and so was my mother.

It's going to be difficult. She made everyone feel important. Whose going to do that now? There is no one left in the family like her.

I know I'm rambling but I just miss her so much.

She told me I was her favorite. I found out later that she said that to everyone. We all believed that we were the favorite. I know I really was. I don' t care what the hell they say.

I miss my grandmother's touch.

On an Island

I'm somewhere on an island

languishing in the warmth of the night.

My thoughts are traveling farther than I have.

Possibilities of the future excite and cause me apprehension.

I'm somewhere on an island languishing in the warmth of the night.

I'm somewhere on an island, only in my mind.

Cause and Affect

Last week was not a good week. A woman that I've known for 11 years committed suicide. She was young, only 32 years old. She had a promising career that was escalating rapidly. She was engaged to be married on May 29th to a guy that also worked at my company. Her fiance found out while he was at his bachelor's party 4 hours drive away. One can only imagine how he must have felt to hear this news.

The assumption around the company is that she battled with depression. If there was a note left we'll probably not know the details of it. It's bad enough that she did it.

When things like this happen one wonders why someone would do this. Depression has many levels and when one goes to this length to end their life they assuredly are at the highest level. We've all been depressed and most are able to recover from it.

What was she going through that she could not handle? Did she feel that she didn't have anyone to talk to? Was it something that someone said to trigger it? Again, I'll never have the answer for these questions.

As Black men we keep a lot of our feelings close to us. Are we suseptible to such depressions. Probably so. I used to have friends in the same city that I could talk to. Many have died and some have moved. I write in my blog to help me through the times when it's not convenient for those far away to listen.

I had a small disagreement with someone that I care about on the same day that I found out about this suicide. They had no idea. Would our conversation have been different had they known. I'm not sure. I do know that after the disagreement I was very perturbed. Depressed no. Saddened yes.

Perhaps it's the ones that we care about who are at fault for the depression that we feel. Is it that one doesn't feel safe to share what's on their mind? Do we quickly map out the conversation with those we care about in our minds, knowning that they won't give emotionally what's needed?

Scientifically, one might say that most suicides are caused by a chemical imbalance and should have been treated with regular medication. Probably so. After the medication has run it's alotted course, for those in need of it, I believe the conversations with those they care about come crashing back to haunt and taunt them? The disagreement I had keeps coming back to me.

Along with the disagreement this suicide news warranted me to drive to San Diego to find some solice. I didn't tell anyone what happened there. I didn't want forced empathy. I wanted to enjoy feeling safe and loved to gear me up for the memorial service tomorrow. This service won't be easy because the story of these lives held so much promise.

You never know how words affect anyone. Especially if they don't tell you. I hope this disagreement with my friend will be resolved with out pain. I don't know how I affected him, he doesn't know how he affected me.

All I know is that there is always a cause and effect.

Hope Act Change

What's a man to do?

I haven't been blogging lately because there are so many thoughts and words going through my head that I can't seem to focus on one thought right now.

Kinda wishing I was a kid again when I didn' t have any worries other than who I was going to play with outside. Novel concept in today's world...you don't even see kids playing outside anymore.

So for now just trying to calm my thoughts down and focus my attention on the things that need to be done. And doing those things in a way that satisfies me. My blog is a place where I liked to express my thoughts and emotions. Right now I need to keep them to myself.

It won't take me too long to come back to myself.

I Carry Your Heart With Me

i carry your heart with me

i carry it in my heart

i am never without it

anywhere i go you go,my dear;

and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling
i fear no fate for you are my fate,my sweet

i want no world for beautiful you are my world,

my true and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;

which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart

i carry it in my heart

By E E Cummings

Wouldn't this be a nice thing to hear from someone that loves you? Even if you don't hear this I hope you feel it when you find someone that has the courage and strength to show you their love for you.

Know Your Truth

I was browsing blogs this morning and came accross this youtube post from Amourpropre. This brotha is 27 and he felt like he lost his truth. When you view the video post, you'll see what I mean.

It's so funny how we loose our truth. The truth being that we know who we are and what we want in life. Unfortunately, the desire for something is what sometimes takes you away from your truth. This separation from the truth can happen at any age and sometimes it can happen over and over again. It's the desire that takes us away.

I admire this brotha for so eloquently exposing himself so that others might learn from him. No matter the situation that is taking you away from your truth. There will be times when you will have to ask yourself if you are living your truth.

Ask yourself if you are living your truth.

I pray that you are.

Happy Easter

Yesterday

Nothing more needs to be said.

Just click this.

Be A Man About It

When did motha fukahs get so sensitive and weak that they can't tell you how they really feel? Or are they just being shady and sneeky?

Whatever the case maybe I don't have time for it. I'm not a mind reader and don't really like to mince words. Especially when you're supposed to be my friend or someone that I care about.

Unfortunately, I tend not to let go of folks like this so easy because of what I presume our relationship is. I'm only going to try to work it out on my own for a little while though.

Then I'm done. It's Alright- Ledisi

(Sorry for the cussin. It just pisses me off.)

Grace

Living in California you at many times get the opportunity to meet celebrities and some psuedo celebrities, depending on your circle of friends and profession. Although they are people just like you and me, often times they behave as if they are super people. They will instantly bring adjectives such as, arrogant, pompous, shady, mean, and many more to mind.

I had the opportunity to meet Trenyce a finalist from American Idol season 2 today. None of those words entered my mind. She performed for an event that we had at my company and I must say that she was extremely professional. Her spirit was genuine and she was in a word the epitome of Grace.

Her performance and professionalism was more than I could have hoped for. If you don't know sometimes you gotta check some celebrities cuz they can be rather ghetto for lack of a better word. Not Trenyce and If you ever have the opportunity to be in her presence you will enjoy every second of it.

Here's a couple of Youtube songs where you can hear some new songs from her. Click here