Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
The next day BuckBuck called me to apologize. I couldn't talk at the time because I was on my way out with my parents and didn't want their day to be filled with any concern as I spoke to him. So I told him that we would talk later. He wanted me to accept his apology right then but me being me was not going to do that until I said what I stayed up all night thinking about. I told him that we were ok and we'd talk and not to worry. He did sound like he was remiss.
I sent him a text message while I was out.
Me: I will see you later right?
Me: Why Not? You have called me for weeks to ensure that I came down here for xmas, you better see me.
Me: I mean it!
That was the last response I got from BuckBuck and I didn't see him while I was in my parents town. So I assume that he decided to remain in misery with little care for whether he ruined our friendship or not. In my mind he had not but I wanted to get some things straight with him if we were to continue as friends. Now I won't worry about this anymore.
I'm blessed to have friends that do really care about me and my feelings. So one from the past that I hadn't been in much contact with anyway will not matter in the big picture of my life. I know who cares about me and I know who trapses through my life only for a glance. I'm a grown man and It's unfortunate that everyone that comes in our paths is not grown.
So I'll continue being happy with those that care about me and blessed because they do. I wish him all the best but I don't have the time to worry about what I can't do anything about. In my life I've had to move on from so many people that one more that only has spent brief moments in the span of my life in so many years will not be hard to get past.
The rest of my holidays will be happy and I hope yours too. For those of you who commented on my last post...thank you for your encouragement.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Strange this is the only post that I have with no picture of any kind. I just can't imagine right now how this is going to play out or how I'm going to feel at the end of it all. I just know that the way I'm feeling right now is not how I imagined I would feel on Christmas day. I need to kick his ass just for that!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Friday, December 05, 2008
Monday, December 01, 2008
I don't know who this baby is or who it belongs to. Just thought it was cute and needed something to go along with my post. LOL
So I was stuck at home pretty much all weekend doing this month-end ritual that I've been assigned for work. It's horrid I tell you absolutley horrid. I think my manger put me on it so that I can be frustrated with the process and get it fixed. It's the most tedius thing I've ever had to do in my life and takes like 6 hours to do each day. I was thinking I can't wait til she goes out on maternity leave! I'll try to get some of those off-shore guys to do this crap.
Anyway, so I'm doing this process and I get an email response from her. Ok, no big deal. I just thought damn this woman is pregnant and due any day now and her ass is working on a Sunday afternoon. Her ass needs to sit down somewhere and rest.
30 mins later I get another email from her. This time she's sending out an annoucement that she had her baby on Thanksgiving day. I was like what the hell is wrong with her ass. She just had the baby 10 mins ago and she's already online responding to emails and I'm sure doing other work. Well at least we won't have to deal with her for a few more weeks. Knowing her she won't take the entire maternity leave...just like she didn't when she had her 3yo. I can't wait til this new baby is a terrible 2yo and the other is 5yo. Maybe then her ass will calm down a little cuz she'll be so damn tired from running around with the kids then everybody else will have a little peace.
I'm laughing to myself because this post is like a Look at this Nigger type post. LOL
Saturday, November 29, 2008
I don't know if it's the season or what...but I have been feeling soooo thankful these days. I'm not going to question it I'm just going to keep on thanking him as much as possible. Something good is about to happen I can feel it coming.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
This song speaks to me and to the reason why I made my last post. I'm very thankful for my experiences and mostly thankful to God for keeping me safe and loved even when I don't realize that I am. The link below is just a short clip of the song. Oh yeah, I'm really really feeling Ledisi's Christmas CD but then again...I like everything she does!!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Friends that have gone to live with God:
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
It's from many years ago...not even sure when this was done...
It was time
I never dreamed...it would be so easy, to finally walk on out the door...but I'm tired of tryin' to make you smile...and livin' everyday on trial...and tired of always bein' the one---who loved a little more.
It was time...
When you really get down to the bottom line, we never had the poetry...we just tried to make it rhyme...
It was time...
that we were over...it was time.
and now I know the emptiness I'm feelin' --- is more for what we missed than what we had...
But watchin' somethin' dyin' slow...
can hurt much more than lettin' go...and even whith the loneliness you know...
I'm almost glad...
Guess I wasn't right for you, and you weren't right for me...
and it doesn't pay to sell your soul...
just for company...
It's better bein' lonely....
It was time.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
More than anything in the world I hate statistics simply because one can say whatever one wants using them. As did Anonymous.
He/she said, Obama won because of 60% of the white and Latino vote went to him and that... only 20% of the black population even voted. Just looking at those numbers makes a statement. However, the numbers do leave some important information out. What percentage of the White population voted? What percentage of the Latino population voted? Was it 20% of those populations that voted also? Is this 60% from White and 60% from Latino populations or from all votes 6o% were White and Latino? I won't claim to know the answers. For the numbers to mean anything those questions should be answered I think. I will agree that if only 20% of all the Black population voted that that is sad. I wonder if some of the Black people that would have wanted to vote couldn't for some reason good or bad? Guess more statistics are need for that answer.
I do believe that Obama was voted in by all faces of America and I have heard no reports nor did I state that the Black Community should take credit for his win. The anonymous he/she quoted a study that was conducted on why Blacks were voting for Obama and that not one could come up with a reason except change. When asked what they wanted changed they couldn't answer. Hmmmm, that sounds suspect to me. Anonymous if you watch most network news you'll notice that sometimes reporters gravitate to those that might give an uneducated response to any question. Still I even find it hard to believe that an uneducated person wouldn't be able to verbalize one change. Hmm was the interviewer too aggressive or condescending and the person being interviewed just refused to answer. I guess we'll never know unless you Anonymous were the interviewer and can shed some light.
Later Anonymous says that 60% of whites that voted for Obama did so because of the facts that he brought and that he/she believed the election showed that the racial divide still exist, but with the Black population. So we're back to the 60% again. So again is this 60% of all whites that voted or 60% of the whites that voted for Obama? If it's 60% that voted for him then 40% only voted for change and possibly didn't know what they wanted changed either?
Anonymous states he/she comes from an area that has overcome the racial divide. Please let me know what that area is so that I can move there! This is an assumption on my part but I suspect that Anonymous is not Black. It's sometimes difficult for those not experiencing racism to know the many subtleties of it. That's no fault of Anonymous' own it's just very difficult to empathize with things that you have no real understanding of. But I see he/she is trying and that should be commended.
The last statements on my blob by Anonymous I'm posting verbatim.
It will not be until all of us can stop separating each other till we all can come together.It was a historical election, not to say the least.
I have no idea why Anonymous chose my blog to make his/her statement. Anonymous...you damn tootin it's historical! As you saw, my statement on President Elect Obama's win was simple and did not say that We Black People Did It. So Anonymous (which i think is Bitch-Assness to post anonymously) if anyone is perpetuating a divide it is you. So maybe your area has not progressed as much as you think it has. You certainly haven't. I take my earlier statement back. I don't want to know what area you live in or want to move there. It would appear that there is still some unresolved racism lurking deep within the bowels of your area's population. I wonder what percentage that is? When you're down to 0% and all have shit that ignorance out and wiped your asses truly clean then let me know where that area is. Until then Anonymous I do sincerely hope that I have facilitated some change to your heart and thoughts.
Oh yeah Anonymous...who started this anyway? I know I want it to stop!
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Renting houses actually is much nicer than staying in a hotel if you take a trip with several friends or family members. We always rent a house that includes a pool and jacuzzi. I was able to catch up on some reading, swim as if I didn't have a care in the world and luxuriate in the great jacuzzi.
Since I got to the house 1st I was able to pick my room. I picked the Master Bedroom that included our course it's own bathroom and a room that was so big it also had it's own living room with sofa, chair and coffee table. A sliding glass door to this room took me to the master's pvt patio.
We all enjoyed our stay in Palm Springs as we ventured into the city's downtown area only 2 miles away to eat, and shop. Palm Springs is full of retirees and many white gay men. Not our flavor but that wasn't the purpose of our trip anyway. The people in this city are very relaxed and very friendly. Probably because most are retired or just have enough money that they don't have to have an attitude about anything.
If your in Los Angeles or close by you should try a trip to Palm Springs. If your in any city that has a resort like town close by check out renting a house. You won't regret it and at the same time you'll get to spend quality time with people you care about.
Below are pictures of the pool and bedroom suite where I spent most of my time last weekend.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
I think what Sheryl Lee Ralph does is amazing and she is a Diva. There's no taking that away from her. It's wonderful all the work that she does in the fight against HIV/AIDS and she deserves a Lifetime Achievement award in my opinion. She didn't sing herself last night because she had a touch of laryngitis so that was missed out on this year. Jennifer Lewis who is usually at these show was in Europe this year. She did however, do a comical monologue for the audience. She said she'll be back in time for November 4th. You do know what that is right!?
These are once in a lifetime lineups. You'd probably never see this group of ladies and an occasional man on the same stage again.
Here's who was sang at last nights performance.
Patti Austin - What can you say about Patti's voice. Simply angelic. Although she did cuss a couple of times before she started singing. I loved it...it was funny and made her feel like a real person to me. It felt like you were sitting around the house talking to an aunt and you heard her cuss for the 1st time. LOL
Coko - She gave just what one would expect.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Now that it is over I feel free. I'll call him Illusion. I enjoyed Illusion's company, he was intelligent, attractive, and extremely charming. It just didn't work out and it didn't end nicely either. There wasn't any fighting, yelling or anything like that. He said that he wasn't the man that he felt that I needed. I should have just said ok and let it go but I slipped and wanted to be heard. How unnecessary was that? I knew it was coming to this but he just beat me to saying it.
I'm glad that I had the good times that I did. I'm doubly glad that it is over. I did make one mistake a week or so after things ended, trying to contact Illusion in person one more time offering something that I know he needed.
I shouldn't have done that but I don't regret it. Since then there has been no contact or much thought about him and I feel real good about it.
There was someone who has (I'll call him Jag) wanted to get to know me for awhile but I couldn't because I was trying to figure out what this thing was. Jag understood and never tried to make waves to the thing I was in. He didn't call me or make snide remarks when he saw me in public on very few occaisions.
Not two days after my mistake of attempting to contact Illusion. I ran into Jag in the grocery store of all places. He saw me before I saw him. He called my name and we began to talk. On every occaisions that I had seen him prior he had not asked if I was still in that thing. This time he did. I told him that I wasn't. He didn't smile but looked a little sad and asked me if I was ok. I assurred him that I was. And feeling free. And I really am, no more worries about the illusion, no more feeling sorry for the illusion, no more wondering if the illusion is being honest, no more illusions.
Jag said he would call the next day and he did. We talked about family, politics, travel, religion, charity and more. He said he would call again and he did. He invited me to dinner and I accepted. We went to Union Station in downtown Los Angeles. I thought we were going to the restaurant Traxx that's housed inside, but we headed for the trains. We boarded a train headed for Del Mar. Once in Del Mar we caught a cab to the Pamplemousse Grille . The ride took a little over an hour and allowed us to talk on the train before enjoying a wonderful dinner and continued great conversation.
Sometimes you have to go through something to get to something. I have no expectations of this going anywhere but it was fun and I enjoyed the moment. I'm grateful for all that I've gone through to get to where I am. I have many memories that I'll cherish and I know there will be more.
I wish illusion much success because I refuse to dwell in a thing that was never going to be anything. I do not wish him any ill and hope that mentally he will be well.
I'm here enjoying the moments.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Sunday, October 05, 2008
I hope it helps you if you too feel like you are in a storm that just won't seem to pass. Trust in the Lord because the storm will pass leaving you victorious if you just remember...
1 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.
2 Let Israel say: "His love endures forever."
3 Let the house of Aaron say: "His love endures forever."
4 Let those who fear the LORD say: "His love endures forever."
5 In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and he answered by setting me free.
6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?
7 The LORD is with me; he is my helper. I will look in triumph on my enemies.
8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.
9 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes.
10 All the nations surrounded me, but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.
11 They surrounded me on every side, but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.
12 They swarmed around me like bees, but they died out as quickly as burning thorns; in the name of the LORD I cut them off.
13 I was pushed back and about to fall, but the LORD helped me.
14 The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.
15 Shouts of joy and victory resound in the tents of the righteous: "The LORD's right hand has done mighty things!
16 The LORD's right hand is lifted high; the LORD's right hand has done mighty things!"
17 I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done.
18 The LORD has chastened me severely, but he has not given me over to death.
19 Open for me the gates of righteousness; I will enter and give thanks to the LORD.
20 This is the gate of the LORD through which the righteous may enter.
21 I will give you thanks, for you answered me; you have become my salvation.
22 The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone;
23 the LORD has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes.
24 This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
25 O LORD, save us; O LORD, grant us success.
26 Blessed is he who comes in the name of the LORD. From the house of the LORD we bless you.
27 The LORD is God, and he has made his light shine upon us. With boughs in hand, join in the festal procession up to the horns of the altar.
28 You are my God, and I will give you thanks; you are my God, and I will exalt you.
29 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
If you understand these transitions let me know.
1. Momentarily Refreshed
Saturday, September 13, 2008
One thing I've learned in my years of living is that you can't make anyone love you the way that you want them to unless that is exactly what they want to do effortlessly. At some point you're going to have to either let them love you like they know how or let them go.
It's up to you to decide what your spirit can take. I think Aretha said it best with her song ain't no way. Also, Kenny Lattimore has remade this song on his new cd and it is very very good!
Check out Aretha
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
The ungodly concrete lay cold, coarse and helpless as the roots of the Ficus trees traversed just beneath its belly premeditatedly to malign it's hardened arrogance with multiple fractures.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I went to my family reunion in Maryland and had a wonderful time. I had a straight through flight coming back, where I sat by the window and read Grace After Midnight by Felicia "Snoop" Pearson. The book took us through the changes in her life leading up to a her role on the HBO show The Wire.
As I finished her book in flight, I thought about how different my life had been and how far removed I was from the stereotypes and choices that she had to make in her life.
Well as you know life has a way of slapping you right back into reality. I exited the plane and proceeded to go to baggage claim to get my luggage. 3 flights of bags were all being unloaded at the same baggage claim. You can imagine the number of people waiting for their bags.
Since my flight was the last flight to arrive I knew there would be some time before I could retrieve my bag. I decided to walk outside and have a much needed cigarette. I stepped outside lit my smoke and a white woman began screaming at me.
"Oh no you don't" she said.
"No I don't what?" was my response.
"You can't do that here. You must not be from California." still screaming at the top of her lungs she said "I'll call the police on you right now."
So to avoid this crazy woman I walked 5 feet away from her and found an ashtray were I completed smoking my cigarette. She looked over at me and sneared as she blew me a kiss. This was not a gesture of endearment by any means. She was taunting me.
I'm a responsible smoker when it comes to those who don't smoke. I thought to myself instead of this woman going off like this all she had to do was to say the smoking section is over there or something. I would have taken no objection to that what-so-ever. So after finishing my cigarette and before retrieving my bag I decided to say just that to the woman . As I approached her from a respectable distance I began my attempt to educate her. I wanted this woman to know that she could not talk to me any way that she chose and that all of her antics were unnecessary.
Well before I could get a complete sentence out she began screaming again and dialing 911. She was again screaming at the top of her lungs for me not to touch her. To get away from her. Then the bitch had the nerve to say that I was assaulting her. She repeated that over and over and over again. Then she started screaming you touched me stop it don't touch me. He's assaulting me. I never touched the bitch. One of the taxi attendants walked over and said "man it's not worth it". I agreed and with that I walked back into the baggage claim area.
5 seconds later one of the airport traffic cops walked in and asked me to come outside. He said that I needed to wait for the police to arrive to make a statement. What the fuck! A statement, why should I have to make a statement about that crazy bitch. I thought fast. There were mostly white people in the area and I could not count on them being a witness to my behavior. So I told them that the Taxi attendant was right there so make sure that they grabbed him to corroborate my statements. They compliied.
The airport cop walked back inside with me to get my bag and await the police. Not 5 minutes later 9 police officers had arrived. NINE! I kid you not! I explained to one Asian officer what happened and he asked me if she was on the plane with me or if I knew her. To both I answered no.
He then asked for my ID. I'm assuming so that I wouldn't run away. 6 of the other officers stayed behind while I still waited for my bag. The officer came back and gave me my ID and asked if I was leaving after I got my bag. Of course I was leaving you dumb ass. I don't live at the airport is what I wanted to say. But didn't.
He then told me that the reason there were so many officers was because they got a report of domestic violence. 1st of all I didn't know the woman nor did I touch her. It's beyond me why they hadn't contacted the airport cops...(traffic cops I guess) to find out the true situation before even coming to the spot. What also astonished me was how quickly they arrived and how they really thought that I did do something to the bitch. If I had done anything to her there would have been no question about it. I wanted to bang the bitches head into the plate glass window for screaming at me the way she was.
I never was able to completely understand why Bigger in Richard Wright's, Native Son killed Mary and the affect it had on him. This situation sort of brought the idea in Wright's book to light for me. Notes on that portion of the book read: Mary’s murder gives Bigger a sense of power and identity he has never known. I think my thoughts of making her head a plate glass smasher aligns with that statement to a certain extent. Especially since only 1 black person came to try to diffuse the situation at all. He must have felt what I was feeling before.
The funny thing was that I wasn't even embarrassed when she was screaming. Anyone in the area could see that she has some issues. There are a lot of analogies I could make from this situation and I'm sure that actually all of them apply.
Like I said life has a way of slapping you back into reality. America has not changed very much even though the media tries to make us think it has. Black men are still the villians and the crazy white bitches are still the victims.
Don't be fooled.
Artwork by BARBARA KINSEY
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
You may not know the force behind it, but you know it's coming.
You have no words only guttural sounds.
It's makes you giggle.
Your senses are heightened.
Your skin tingles.
Your breath is shallow.
You wonder if they know that it's coming too.
It makes your eyes flutter.
and your heart beat faster.
You know it's coming.
You can feel it.
It's almost here.
In anticipation you can feel yourself about to burst.
You know it's coming.
Your face is flushed.
What will it feel like you wonder.
That's half the excitement.
You want it to last forever.
You want to feel it all over you.
Oh My God!
Thank you God!
Here it comes!
You have found love, happiness, success and peace.
With my mind set on higher things.
These things have become my footstool.
I'm determined to reach my goal.
I need peace for my soul.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Read I Wish You Well lyrics
This post is not meant for any one in particular. Just kind of how I feel when things with promise turn to disappointment. I've always said...enjoy the moment. I have lived by this for a few years now and it really works. I think also what helps me is knowing that God is looking after me and knows my heart. It's too bad that sometimes friends, lovers and family members don't always know your heart.
It's unfortunate that liars, cheaters, whores, drug addicts and dealers, con-artists and the like, are never able to feel safe enough to trust anyone. In their minds they have concocted scenarios of deception that only bind them to their own dismal existence of mayhem. It's unfortunate because if only they were able to trust just one person the rain of rath that continually emerges in their lives would certainly subside. It's unfortunate that they never will, as it's not in their nature. They're too angry with themselves and their lives. They attack , misuse and ravenously devour any goodness that comes their way. Therefore, they will remain in the muck smelling of shit.
I wish them well.