Sunday, April 20, 2008

Cause and Affect

Last week was not a good week. A woman that I've known for 11 years committed suicide. She was young, only 32 years old. She had a promising career that was escalating rapidly. She was engaged to be married on May 29th to a guy that also worked at my company. Her fiance found out while he was at his bachelor's party 4 hours drive away. One can only imagine how he must have felt to hear this news.

The assumption around the company is that she battled with depression. If there was a note left we'll probably not know the details of it. It's bad enough that she did it.

When things like this happen one wonders why someone would do this. Depression has many levels and when one goes to this length to end their life they assuredly are at the highest level. We've all been depressed and most are able to recover from it.

What was she going through that she could not handle? Did she feel that she didn't have anyone to talk to? Was it something that someone said to trigger it? Again, I'll never have the answer for these questions.

As Black men we keep a lot of our feelings close to us. Are we suseptible to such depressions. Probably so. I used to have friends in the same city that I could talk to. Many have died and some have moved. I write in my blog to help me through the times when it's not convenient for those far away to listen.

I had a small disagreement with someone that I care about on the same day that I found out about this suicide. They had no idea. Would our conversation have been different had they known. I'm not sure. I do know that after the disagreement I was very perturbed. Depressed no. Saddened yes.

Perhaps it's the ones that we care about who are at fault for the depression that we feel. Is it that one doesn't feel safe to share what's on their mind? Do we quickly map out the conversation with those we care about in our minds, knowning that they won't give emotionally what's needed?

Scientifically, one might say that most suicides are caused by a chemical imbalance and should have been treated with regular medication. Probably so. After the medication has run it's alotted course, for those in need of it, I believe the conversations with those they care about come crashing back to haunt and taunt them? The disagreement I had keeps coming back to me.

Along with the disagreement this suicide news warranted me to drive to San Diego to find some solice. I didn't tell anyone what happened there. I didn't want forced empathy. I wanted to enjoy feeling safe and loved to gear me up for the memorial service tomorrow. This service won't be easy because the story of these lives held so much promise.

You never know how words affect anyone. Especially if they don't tell you. I hope this disagreement with my friend will be resolved with out pain. I don't know how I affected him, he doesn't know how he affected me.

All I know is that there is always a cause and effect.


Curious said...

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. As I'm sure it was a loss and obviously a shock to you. For some people who suffer from depression, it is something that is really hard to deal with. To blame it on someone else can be easy, but very rarely is it true. In life the only actions or reactions that we can guarantee ourselves will come only from ourselves and not others.

When you speak to your friend, realize that he may not say what you want to hear because he can only only be him and not you. Just be sure that you say or do what you need to say or do in order to let him know who you are and your needs.

D-Place said...

Curious...I'm not blaming anything on anyone else. I'm just making a statement about how things that people say affect others even if they don't know it.
The person hearing what is said to them is responsible for their actions. The mind and heart are fragile things.

For my friend, I have no expectations. We all do what we need to do for ourselves.

Curious said...

Then we are in agreement.

fuzzy said...

i always thought that the people who offed themselves were victims of depression and had nobody else to talk to. at the same times i would thing they act very quickly without much contemplation. if you think long enough, i believe that you will find an alternate means to suicide!

Amathos said...

sorry for your loss....

reading the last comment I think there is a lot of thought that goes into it...I'm not sure if I believe that it all boils down to depression though. I think it's a matter of rationalizing the end to a difficult battle for me if my mother were not alive it would easier...

again my condolences

kennyking78 said...

Heartfelt post. How are you feeling now? Have you and your friend made up or at least attempted a reconciliation?

I agree, the words we say stick. We, as people, are sponges, soaking up everything around us. Sunlight, air, sounds, positive and negative vibes.

I am sorry to hear about your co-worker committing suicide. From the outside looking in it sounds like she had a lot to look forward to, but I guess that this situation shows that no one really knows the pain someone else is feeling.