Confidence

This came to me while watching the Bernie Mac show today. It was a show about his sister getting married and he thought he would be walking her down the isle. Instead she asked his oldest brother to do it. It reminded me of a scene from my youth.

It was one of those nights when your parents had company and they call the kids out to dance or sing or something. I was really shy so there was no way I was dancing in front of anyone. Actually, I never would dance even in front of my family. Well my older brother went to the living room to dance to the latest music at the time. I can remember sitting on the stairs watching him and saying to myself. I can do that. I think I can do it better than him too. He makes me sick. He's always jumping up and running to the living room to dance for my parents guests.

Well by the time I got to middle school there were several dances and still I didn't dance. Then one dance this girl said to me that she never sees me dance and that I was going to dance with her wether I liked it or not. I danced with her and while we were dancing she built up my confidence telling me that I could really dance well. I think that was all I needed, cuz it boosted my confidence tremendously. I danced at every party from that point on.

Then next time my parents had guest and called my brother to dance. He went in there with his waterhead and started dancing. I had had enough at that point. While he was dancing I walked right in there and started dancing beside him. I did moves that he had never seen and couldn't do and my parents and their guests started yelling and clapping for me. I felt so proud.

The moral of this story is....never question what you can or can not do until you try it first.

What's On Your List?

I think it's interesting how people go about picking or deciding to continue to date someone new that they've met. We have all sorts of criteria for who we should date and sometimes I wonder if our criteria makes any sense at all.

I've heard reasons for ending dates for some of the strangest things. Here's a list of some:

- Didn't like his hair
- His dic was too small or too big
- I didn't like the sound of his voice
- He is an ex drug addict
- He's a recovering Alcholic
- He has a kid
- Didn't like the job he had
- Don't like the neighborhood he lives in
- Don't like his friends
- Too Skinny
- Too Fat
- Too many muscles
- Too Fem
- Too Masculine

Well I'm sure everyone has there reasons. My question to myself is are any of these valid reasons? I sort of don't think so. Most of the reasons above can probably be worked out in someway. Are these things that hinder us from being with someone that might just be "the one".? I have tried myself to thow out the superficial things that I find in a potential date that might be irritating. I must say it's not easy and there are still somethings that will only keep me partially intersted, doomed to end in approximately 2 months tops.

- No Job
- No Transportatation
- No Ideas of their own
- No contribution to the relationship
- No Sense of Humor
- Bad Hygiene (probably won't last more than a day) I will tell you about it and you better fix it right away if you want me to stick around.

I'm sorry I just can't get past these things. I guess I'm only human!

What's on your list???

One More Night

One more night of Dallas...then I'll be on my way home tomorrow. YEAH!!!!

I can't wait. These people have worn me out. I can't say that I'm really complaining because I love training. It's the most favorite part of my job. Did I say that before in another post..LOL

Well I do, it's rewarding knowing you've given someone some knowledge that will help them.

However, The schedule of training here has been extremely hectic. Training Sales People is not an easy job trust me. They are like small spoiled children. They don't pay attention all the time and you must find ways to entertain them and get their attention. Hmmm sounds like most adults. I guess it's not just Sales People.

Anyway, I just can't wait to sleep in my own bed. Maybe when I get home I'll have something more creative to write about.

See I'm Not Crazy

I knew I wasn't crazy and sho in the hell knew how to operate a dayum automated wake up call at a hotel. I ended up waking up extra early yesterday, probably because my mind just would not rest thinking about waking up late for a class that I was the trainer. So I woke up extra early and watched TV waiting for that dayum wake up call.

Well low and behold, the phone never rang. So I went to the front desk and found out that there was some problems with the service. So it really wasn't me just being extra tired.

I knew I wasn't crazy. hmmmpf!!!!

I Need My Ass Beat BUT...

As somebodies old grandmother would say...Lawd A Mercie, you need yo ass beat!

I'm in Tx training folks on an upgrade to one of our systems. Just to set up this picture...I am tired as hell. I was just in Ohio, if you remember, training on the same thing and then home for barely 3 days and now in Tx. So my ass was tired.

This is my 2nd night here. So after training all day yesterday, then having to participate in an after training meeting until about 7:30 pm I finally was able to go and get some food in my body. I come back to my room eat and relax for a min. Before I knew it I was knocked out!

Well about 2am I woke up and realized that I had not called for a wake up call. Yeah you see where this story is going. Anyway, I set the automated wake up call for 6:30am. At 8am the next morning I get a call from one of the Mangers this is how it went:

Phone Rings

Me thinking to myself: Ok here's my wake up call. I answer still have sleep.

Manager: Are you coming down to training? Your partner Chris needs your help.

Me: Oh my God!!!! I didn't get a wake up call. I'll be down as soon as possible. I apologize I don't know how this happened.

So I get showered, dressed and down to the training room in a record 30 mins. So I'm 30 minutes late.

One of the other Managers Marie was standing in my training room. Not helping Chris if he did need help which it did not appear that he did. (side story, Marie and my manager loathe each other, so they are always trying to say undermine each other's staff) So, immediately I explained the situation to her. Don't you know that that Bitch rolled her eyes at me and said that's not a good excuse.

I started to tell that bitch that I wasn't not making an excuse but was just informing her. With that I walked to the front of the classroom with my bag and took over the class. Ya see as Black people we all know that we have to perform at 150% to be judged at an 75% performance, minimum.

The funny thing about all of this...I was wearing a pair of pants that I had just bought in the Outlet Mall since I got here. One of the trainees in the front of the classed whispered for me to come to where he was sitting. When I did he whispered in my ear that I had something on the side of my leg. Immediately, I knew what it was. It was those stupid ass waist sizes that they tape on to either jeans or khaki pants like I was wearing. I graciously said thank you and moved on with the rest of my performance.

What made me feel good was that this guy didn't care that I was late he was more concerned about me being embarrassed with this dayum tape on my leg. Then the head of Finance who was also at this training event came up to me later that day and says to me:

You are an excellent Trainer I think one of the best here, you really like training don't you?

That made me feel good...because without showing it throughout the day I kept thinking those fucking bitches weren't even concerned that something bad could have happened to me. I could have been dead in my room and the all they cared about was that dumb fuckah training would be was drowning! Well you shoulda helped his ass bitch until I got there is what I wanted to say.

The house note, shopping, traveling and the eating thing, just would not let me say it.

Fathers

What is your relationship with your father?

I never really talk about my father. A lot of people have even asked me if he was alive because of it. Well he is. I just feel weird about him. Actually, I don't normally talk about him at all. Well I'm going to do it today. I think I got to get this out. I'm not really looking for any advice on this I just wanted to get it out.

My father was in the Military so he was not around a lot when I was growing up. He could be gone for a year or 2 at a time. When I was a young kid I was always very excited when he came home. I think it was because he would always bring us gifts from foreign countries. I remember when I was about 9 years old I wanted to be an Indian. I just loved Indians, I don't remember why now...I think it was the headdress. When I saw Indians in headdress they seemed so regal. I guess that's the Leo in me talking even at that age.

Anyway, as I got older I believe that I needed a little more attention from my father other than the gifts that he bestowed on me as a young child. I didn't need the gifts and they stopped anyway after a certain age. We moved to California as my journey into adolescence began. I had 3 brothers, the closest one in age to me was 4 years older and not really trying to hang out with me. So in a way I felt like an only child except for those times when I felt like playing with my younger sister.

So basically I didn't really have an openly communicative relationship with my father. It was more of an authoritarian one. Do this do that. Not many words came from him. The funny thing about it is that he thought, I'm sure, that he was a good father. Not to me if your not really talking or hearing your child.

As a high schooler I was pretty good in track and ran in school track meets and even in the Junior Olympics. I ran the 100 and 200. I went to the Olympics in the 100. The 1st track meet that my father had ever attended was when I made it to the semi-finals. I had gotten 1st place in my qualifying heats. So I was pretty confident that I would be going to the finals as well.

I was in my blocks and as the gun shot to push us all into motion. To my surprise my block slipped as it was not completely locked in place. I actually fell to my knee coming out of the block. I even turned to look at the starter thinking he was going to shoot the gun again to start the race over, but he didn't. So I got up and began running like the wind. I was able to catch up to all of the other runners except the 1st 2. Meaning I landed in 3rd place. 3rd place was not good enough they were only taking 1st and 2nd to the finals of the Olympics.

As I'm sure you can imagine I was furious, that I had not checked double checked my blocks. As I walked over to meet up with my family. The thing that I will probably remember for the rest of my life was my father saying, "You'd be a good runner if you had some coaching."

Livid, I didn't respond. Didn't he see what just happened, if I'd be such a good runner with coaching why hadn't he ever tried to get me some. What a comment to make after seeing the disappointment all over my face are some of the thoughts that went through my mind. How dare he. What the hell did he know about me. He never talks to me.

There had been many other situations similar to this that displayed his lack of knowledge about me and my needs. The thing that makes me so uncomfortable is that now that he is aging he treats me as if we have the best relationship that any father and son could ever have. I remember once when I came home for a visit he grabbed me and hugged me. I was frozen in place, like a board. What the hell is this all about? I didn't really care, but I didn't want him touching me.

So in his oblivion he continues to treat me as if we have a great relationship. I've gotten to the point now that I really don't care what he thinks because I know my truth. What he wants to believe about our relationship is a lie.

I guess it struck me to write this because I was thinking about a Frederick Smiths father passing and the love they shared and an email my father sent recently to me and other relatives that read:

This is just a HELLO note to all of you from James and Florida (not their real names). As family members we just don't communicate as much as family members should. We love all of you and hope everything in your family is just fine in every way possible. All is fine here in California with our family, although haven't heard from D-Place, Bradford or Darius too much lately.

My only regret about my relationship with him is that it effects my mother, because I can barely stand to be around him. I don't have anything to say to him because I don't think he would understand anyway. He's extremely presumptuous and imposing. Writing imposing almost made me go into another story about him but I won't.

Some say I'll regret the way I feel when he's gone. I just don't happen to think so. I do wish that I had a better relationship with him but it is long past the time of trying to make that happen.

Sigh

Do you ever feel like you just want to go into a blissful sleep and not wake up or move to an island where you don't have to worry about anything?

That's how I'm feeling today. Sick of all the inconsiderate, selfish, and demanding people that one comes in contact form time to time. Not to mention all the other things that you don't ever want to do but you have to do in life.

Why is it that when you are nice to people, they want to take advantage of that and keep on coming back to you for more?

Just feeling a little funky today. It's not even worth writing about these people. I just gotta get into a better frame of mind. Kinda looking forward to this 2 week trip now! No one will be able to reach me.

Solon, Ohio

Well I'm back from Ohio for a few days before my next trip to Dallas and Atlanta. The training started off a little rocky for me because the material was a little unfamiliar. Well not really unfamiliar but the way the, so called training professionals put our training material together was just piss poor. After, I decided to do things my way things went fine. It wasn't too cold only in the 30s so over all it was a good trip. For some reason though I'm tired as hell.

I had 2 incidents the entire trip so I guess that wasn't too bad. Even though I was only really there 3 days.

1st Incident: I was to go to dinner with a girlfriend that I hadn't seen in awhile, but she wasn't able to go, so another girl from the office decided she wanted to go with me. Ok cool I thought, I like her even though she is a little ghetto. She's still a really nice person and a lot of fun. Here's comes the ghetto part. She called me before we were to go out to tell me that she invited another girl from the office to go with us. I had just met this girl that day. Well dinner was cool and we had good convo but then I realized that these bitches expected me to pay for their meals with my corporate card. In the past that would have been no problem. It's not my money after all. Things have changed like I"m always saying in corporate america. Budgets are tighter and we have now been restricted to the amount we spend. Since this was not really a sanctioned dinner I could not pay for their meals on my card...So when the bill came neither one of these heffas lifted a finger to go into their purses for money. Ok whatever this is Ohio and the meal for the 3 of us wasn't that bad. So I split the bill up and paid for half on my corporate card and the rest on my personal. sigh Shouldn't they have been paying for me...shyt I was the one visiting?

2nd Incident: During my last class today I had given the trainees some exercised to do. This one older white woman says to me once we began to go over the exercises, "That last question was a trick question because you didn't give us all the information we needed to get the right answer?" So I asked her what she would do if this was a real situation. And she responded that she'd use another application that we use to get the information that she required.

So why didn't you do that this time, I asked. Because I'm not used to that I'm used to having all of the information and I didn't like this at all.

Oh not this wrinkled old crow is not coming for me. My response was simply this: Well Kathy you are in my world today and in my world I'm not giving you all the information so that you have to think about possibilities. After 12 noon today you will be back in your world and do whatever you want, but in here you will have to think.

The whole room roared with laughter...I guess they had been wanting to say something similiar to her ass for awhile. Even her manager gave me a smiling nod as if she was saying yeah get that ho!

What you wanna know?

Ok I'm putting it out here just to see what happens. Ask me anything you want. I know I don't get a lot of visitors as some of the bloggers do. However, I may be a mystery to some of you so to get rid of some of that, if you have a question for me go ahead and ask. I'll answer when I can since I'll be traveling quite a bit lately.

What does your birthday mean?

My Birthday is August 11th. Here's what it means:

Spiritual and thoughtful, you tend to take a step back from the world.
You're very sensitive to what's going on around you, yet you remain calm.
Although you are brilliant, it may take you a while to find your niche.
Your creativity is supreme, but it sometimes makes it hard for you to get things done.

Your strength: Your inner peace
Your weakness: You get stuck in the clouds
Your power color: Emerald
Your power symbol: Leaf
Your power month: November

What does your birthday mean? Let me know.

Patience Pills

I'm storing up on my patience pills. Yall may not know, but sometimes I can loose my patience for a few minutes. Once I realize that I'm loosing my patience it takes me a minute to get myself back together. I'm off on a journey of training beginning on Monday. I'll be training our sales force on an upgrade to the current application that they use to perform budgeting, forecasting and promotional tasks.

My favorite part of my job is training. I think it's my favorite for a couple of reasons:

1. It is very rewarding when you teach someone something and then you get the opportunity to see that you have transferred some of your knowledge to someone else and they can actually use what you gave them. It's like holding a baby by their arms helping them to walk and then one day you see them walking on their own. It fills you with joy.
2. I guess in a way i'm a repressed actor or just a true Leo and love being in the spotlight. I get to run the show. I'm directing the trainees down a path to a common goal.

Now here's where I need my Patience Pills. I need them to deal with all the other elements of training in a corporate environment. Meaning the other trainers and management. I have a psychology degree and am in tune with what it takes for adults to learn. Sometimes it's challenging to keep everyone's attention because we all learn at different paces. Some trainers don't know how to judge that and when you are training with a partner it is painful to see them loose trainees or talk down to them as if they are children. I'm going to be training with 3 different trainers, so it's going to be a challenge to adjust to their training styles. Some of the partners that I'll have, have never done any training at all. I know I'll have to interject a few times but will need a pill not to step on them too harshly.

Also, there will be some management at the training sessions who believe that they know the right way to do everything. It's sort of a corporate arrogance that they have. They will talk on top of you, ignore or undermine your efforts because they believe things should be a their way. What I've learned from adult training is that there is no one way. You have to feel the energy of the room and your students. It is not beneficial to take on a cookie cutter type of format.

Management will be coming in and out of rooms occiasionally to, in my opinion, let everyone in the room know that they are management. What I find about our management is that most of the time they are really not very in touch with what those not in management are going through in their day to day activities and view everyone's job as being exactly the same. Not to mention that most of our management probably should not even be in the positions that they are, most not having degrees, or any experience in anything other than what they are currently doing today.

So for my trainees, I am taking a bunch of Patience Pills with me for my 3 week journey of training. I know I'm going to be exhausted and hope that I don't overdose on pills. The one good thing about training Sales people is that after training they will be buying me plenty of Bourbon's on the rocks! So that will dilute all the effects of the Patience Pills until the next morning.

Solon, Ohio and Dallas, Texas ....HERE I COME!

Oh yeah, I'll be taking a weekend break in Atlanta, GA in the middle of this journey.