Our Images are beautiful and strong

It's interesting how important images are to people. I understand it I guess. However, I don't always agree for reasons which I"ll explain and show you with the images I've selected. Society has an innate need to categorize black people. Actually society has an innate need to categorize all people. However, black people seem to be the group that it tends to put into one or two categories. Usually negative categories.

I on the other hand believe that all black people are beautiful in our own way. Because most of us do not have the ability to go unnoticed due to the pigment of our skin, we are easily identifiable. Hence easily categorized. With that, this is what makes us strong. Strong because we have no choice but to accept who we are whether we want to or not. We learn at an early age to be strong because society immediately looks at us with the eyes that place us in one or two categories. When I see us I see the beauty and strength below.

Stuck in the Office on Friday

These are the worst types of days to be stuck in the office. When the weather is beautiful and the sun is shinining brightly. Looking down at the courtyard of my office building wanting to be somewhere in the distance that the window from my office displays.

Courtyard













View in the distance

Unity

I've been thinking about unity in the black gay community a lot lately. I wish that we were more unified. I wish that we gave each other a chance.

If we had unity in this community how powerful would we be?

I think it is downright frightening how scary we would be to mainstream America. And how exhilarating it would be to me.

We would be the kings and queens that we always say we are.


There would be a meaning again when we say. I'm Black and I'm proud.

I choose not to be viewed less than what I am because of what white America may think about me.

LA's Best

Just a view of LA. Fill your car up with high ass gas, get the car washed and go to dinner at KFC. Cuz that's all you'll be able to afford after paying for the gas.

HAPPY EASTER!

A Funk

Don't have much to say these days. Sort of in a funk. I have been procrastinating about everything. I'll be out of this soon.

Photo Blog

A woman that I work with is doing something that I though twas pretty cool. Every day she takes a picture of something and puts it on her blog. I thought I would do the same. I'm not going to think hard about it but just take a picture of something. It may not be everyday...but for some reason I just think it's a cool idea. Here's my 1st pic.

Sometimes I Can't Stop Cryin

I have known a lot of people who have passed away due to AIDS complications. That's what it's called when the virus has successfully been able to hinder a necessary function of your body.

Sometimes I feel lonely, because so many of my good friends are gone and I cry.
Sometimes I wonder why AIDS didn't get me and I cry.
Sometimes I think about all the pills that are necessary for someone with AIDS to take and how at times the pills make them sick or don't work at all, and I cry.
Sometimes I run across a picture of one of my friends smiling as they posed for the camera and I cry.
Sometimes, I can't recall all the names of everyone that I've known to pass away from AIDS when you watch one of those shows about AIDS and at the end they do something to pay tribute to those that have gone, and I cry.
Sometimes I think about my friends who passed before the drugs that came around to make them look like they are healthy, and I cry.
Sometimes I think about the new people in my life that over the years I have learned to love to fill the empty spaces of my other friends and I cry.
Sometimes when I see one of my departed friends relatives and they hug me real tight, I cry.
I miss my friends and I cry.

Sometimes I can't stop crying. When will I be able to stop crying?












Photo by Greg McNeal

Emile Griffith

This is Emile Griffith, from the Virgin Islands. He was a boxer in the late 50s and early 60s. There were a lot of rumors about whether he was gay or not. Evidently Emile has never given an answer that has quite satisfied anyone. So much so that it seems he has been deemed to even have a medical condition that causes him to be confused about whether he is gay or straight.

Now I don't know anyone that has ever had this condition before and I'm not saying that he doesn't have it by any means. However, he supposedly developed this disease after being mugged and beaten badly. An article about Emile on Wikipedia states...

In 1992, Griffith was viciously beaten and almost killed on a New York City street, allegedly after leaving a gay bar. Today, Griffith requires fulltime care and suffers from pugilistic dementia. According to Sports Illustrated, the Alzheimer's-like condition makes him confused about his sexuality, and he sometimes declares himself to be heterosexual, other times he identifies as gay and other times, as bisexual, but one that prefers women.






There were rumors about Emile long before 1992 one boxer (Benny "the Kid" Paret) that he fought who unfortunately died due to there fight on March 24, 1962, called him a maricon (spanish for fagfot).

The death of Paret caused much controvery in the boxing world. Boxing was not televised until the 1970s after Paret's death.

I write all this to say the following:

• He was born on an extremely homophobic island, why wouldn't he deny his homosexuality?



• He was a boxer. In the sports industry even today we know how difficult it is for someone to admit that they are gay.



• I'll never understand why it is so important for people to be able to categorize and undermine those that they deam less worthy of respect than themselves.



• Lastly, homophobia is the fear of becoming a homosexual. Why are so many people afraid of becoming what they supposedly don't think that they are. If one knows they are straight are they afriad that they'll fall on some dic azz first or into some azz?
  

If you get the opportunity rent the DVD Ring of Fire that documents this time in Emile Griffith's life and his present life. It's a sad story that doesn't talk a whole lot about his homosexuality but one commentator in the documentary makes no hesitation in stating the Emile is Gay. It's a tragic story that I'm sure would effect the lives of anyone that would have to go through what he did. Watch the deleted scenes too. Those are even more interesting.

In the words of Rodney King, "Can't we just all get along?"

Jennifer Lewis

I went to the Jennifer Lewis one woman show Bipolar, Bath and Beyond last Saturday.

Thank you Fred!

The show was great! She is just plain funny. If you saw Jackie's Back then you know what I'm talking about. If you don't get a chance to see Jennifer's one woman show then at least rent Jackie's Back. Trust me you won't regret it if your looking for a good old fashion laugh.

Jennifer has the ability to make you feel as if she is talking directly to you or as if you are listening to one of your relatives who just can't do anything but tell it like it is.

I'm going to the show again this Saturday. I can't wait. And like Fred said on his site. Don't do anything that might be considered disrupting to her show cuz she will clown you. I mean she will stop right in the middle of talking and address yo azz. Some folks had the nerve to come into the show 30 minutes late. Didn't she stop talking and literally ran up the aisle to address them and tell them to sit the hell down. Then mumbled motha fukahs. Sounded like something I would say...after all those are two of my favorite words. :-)

Oh yeah if you do go to the show I hope you are not offended by ...uh words that a pristine woman of leisure might describe as gutter talk. If you are she won't care anyway!

Black is Beautiful

As a black man if you don't think that you are beautiful then you should look at these blogs and webpages.

Black

Most Proper

Hoodsworld

Manstouch

ShutterPrint

Even though you may not look like the men posted on these blogs you are still beautiful in your own way. Look at yourself and see the beauty that you possess. Be it your eyes, skin, hands, feet, lips, your mind or anything else you are beautiful. Believe it! The world watches black men and tries to copy what we are (what a ridiculous thought). Since they can't copy us effortlessly the world tries in subtle and not so sublte ways to diminish us. No matter what they do they just can't.

Do you know why?

Because we are just naturally beautiful and talented. Bask in your beauty and the beauty of our brothers.

The world goes round and round

Before I was seven years old there were so many labels on my back beginning with nigger. By the time I was 14 I went through a kind of nervous breakdown, which happened when I was a preacher. And by the time I was 17 1 had survived all the labels, including the label of faggot. It wasn't and it isn't easy.
-James Baldwin

This is a quote from an article in Blacklight, interviewing James Baldwin about coming out. (Thank you Wandering Caravan for enlightening us always and pointing me to this site.)

This quote stuck out to me because I remember in College when I first began to accept that I was gay how hard it was. I felt like I didn't fit in with the straight people and thought that I would be more comfortable with gay people. I was more comfortable with gay people but only because my hormones were raging so I was blinded by some of the subtle nuisances of the culture that later would pierce my spirit. Gay and Straight people were really mean back then. Both cultures insisted that you be assigned a label. I'm grateful that my family helped me in becoming a strong man. Otherwise I probably would have been broken and bound by whatever label was thrown at me.

The thing is we can be so hard on each other for no good reason at all except for some misguided and unwarranted envious notion. Through our lives we are given numerous labels. I know that humans need to label so that they can categorize things in their minds. It's just amazing that the labels that we have in our minds are never a exact match with anyone else in the world. They are really just generalizations. So why do we put so much importance on them.

I've grown so much since my college days. I like so many others, I'm sure, wish that they knew then what we know now. I would have been able to forgive and move on. Trust myself. Love better. Understand the value of time and a host of other things.

I have no regrets about anything that has transpired in my life. I'm just saying that life really can be simple when you and those around you are genuine in spirit and intention.

I guess then life would be perfect and it's just not.

Sculpture Your World

Every year in Los Angeles, the Magic Johnson Theater at the Balwin Hills Mall hosts the Pan African Film Festival during Black History Month. Every year that I attend a film or go through the mall to view the artists work I am inspired to paint and sometimes embarrassed to paint.

There are artist that sell their work from all over the world at this event. Beautiful works of art are seen throughout the mall. As soon as I walked into the mall and got my bearings after maneuvering through the hordes of people, I was immediately grasped by one artists work. I passed right by Charles Bibbs table although I was hoping he was there so that I could get the Poster that he designed for the festival signed. So I did stop and ask if he would be there today and was told not until much later.

I went directly to the sculptures of Woodrow Nash. His work is haunting to say the least. His sculptures are so life-like that you almost feel as though they will speak at any moment. I had seen his work before on a television show but did not catch his name. As I gawked at his work I searched for his name. No one was near the sculptures representing him. I did see one piece that I was tempted to throw my credit card down for. (The pic above is an example of his work. Not the one that I attempted to purchase.) I mean I was ready to buy this $1500.00 bust because I was completely drawn and mesmerized by it. I asked a woman if she knew the Artists name and she told me that he had just come back and pointed him out to me. I asked him if he had a card so that I could at least know the man's name before I tried to start a conversation with him about the best way to display the piece I was interested in. He told me that he didn't have any cards with him at the moment but someone would be back with them in 10 mins.

So for the next 10 minutes I walked around the mall viewing other artists work and thinking, "OK where am I going to put this piece in my home". When I returned I found Mr. Nash speaking with 2 white women. I stood patiently while he spoke to them. After several minutes of inspecting his work even closer he still was being monopolized by these white women whom it did not appear that they were going to purchase anything but were continuing to throw accolades at him. I then interrupted and asked for his card as I saw him shuffling them in his hands and hoping that I would pull his attention to me to make my purchase. He handed me the card without even looking in my direction.

Needless to say I did not buy the bust. I'd rather admire it from afar. I wonder how he would have treated me if I had been an older looking black man that visibly looked like I could purchase his work. I must admit I was just in jeans and a t-shirt, but how do you have to look to have a little bit of cash on you?

I'm sure that Mr. Nash gets a lot of lookie-loos at events like this. However, I'm sure some of these lookie-loos do purchase his work. I'm sure he doesn't really need my money as I hear he is working on a big project for a plantation in New Orleans where he'll be sculpting slaves in authentic attire. I'm sure he'll get a lot of money for that and probably doesn't need mine. Even though I think his attitude towards me stunk. I still think he's a phenomenal artist.

He/She's My Black Leader??

I've noticed that there are many black men and women out there who have positioned themselves as Black Leaders. To me it is a noble gesture of these individuals to expose themselves to the media, public opinion and any other forces to help uplift the Black Community and even the Black GBLT Community. They subject themselves to much ridicule and sometimes danger.

Unfortunately, I have seen too often that some of these self-proclaimed leaders tend to change from the Nobel Fighters to the Narcissistic Sponges. They become media seekers looking for fame at every corner. Yes in many instances they are getting a much needed message out to the public. The messages are the buttons that push society into some sort of action. Be it thought or physical the messages cause one to act. I ask you to think about these messages. Are these really the messages that you are interested in or are they the messages that cause the most controversy and media attention of the day.

What is it that changes these leaders path? Is it their desire to be heard by the white mainstream or even the white gaystream? Is it white people that still control what is credible for us? How do they accomplish this? Is it the promise of fame, the lure of recognition or simply the desire to be famous by any means necessary.

I know that those in the limelight do not always have the ability to give attention to all they come in contact with. However, I do believe that these leaders should have some sense of loyalty to those that have helped in catapulting their careers. Sadly I don't see that enough. What I do see more of is the me me syndrome. Can you do something for me? Are you of the ilk that I should associate myself with? Can you help get me recognized? When these questions are asked it is undeniable that this leader is not a leader that seeks to support his community. He's a leader that hopes to further his financial and public image. Some people just want to be famous.

If it is in your heart to be a leader then monetary or media gain should not be a factor. You'll be a leader because what you say and do are what needs to be heard and done, those who hear you trust you and believe that you have others interests in mind. Don't be one of those leaders that talks to you when you can do something for them or introduce them to someone that can help further their career and once they've achieved whatever it is they forget how they got there.

If you believe that I'm off base tell me. Do we need leaders? What are the characteristics of a true leader?

I believe that we are all leaders. Our attempts may not be to lead an entire community. Our actions lead those around us by the positive influence that we project. We can lead those around us by sharing our experiences and knowledge so that it impowers others to make choices that better one's life.

Thanks Anonymous!!

Someone Anonymous left a comment on my blog asking if I was ok because I hadn't posted in a little while.

I just wanted to thank Anonymous for the concern. I am quite well thank you. I've had a touch of writers block. I will be posting real soon. Probably this weekend if I finish the book my book club is reading.

Again, thank you very much for your concern!!! It's very nice to know that someone cares enough to ask.

D-Place

Endless Summer

That's the name of the house where I stayed this weekend with my Book Club Members. What a relaxing break it was. If you get the chance you should all do this. Get a group of your friends together and go away for the weekend. You don't have to go far. Go someplace where you can drive.

Don't worry about where you'll stay and how much that will cost. There are houses all over the world that you can rent. With a group of friends the cost of the house is substantially less than what you would pay for a weekend stay in a hotel. The best thing about it is that you and your friends could have a private pool and jacuzzi. I love to swim. Also, get the person that can cook the best to agree to cook. Then just chill and enjoy your break away from your regular routine.

We went to Palm Springs and stayed at a house called Endless Summer. Again, I say what a wonderful relaxing retreat. We do it every year. I suggest you and your friends do the same.

Money Money Money Money!!!!!

Playboy Adonis asked me if I was going to write about finances regularly on my blog awhile ago. I don't claim to know that much myself. I really just wanted to start Black Gay Men to think about money more. Think about what you're doing with it. Think about what you want it to do for you. So I decided that occasionally when I hear of something financial I will talk about it. Our community needs to be financially fit so I want to do what I can to support that.
So here are a couple of things to think about:

1. Where are you putting your money????

I'm not going to talk about 401k's, CDs or the Stock Market. I'm just not saavy enough in those subjects to discuss.

I'm talking about where do you put it. What bank are you putting it in. For me I'm trying something new. I created an account with HSBC Direct. It's an online account that earns you 5.05% interest. I won't tell you all the details of how it works you can see that for yourself on their site. I will tell you this though. You can open an account with as little as $1.00. Now I know we all can afford that.

You might remember when I wrote about saving money and how fast it grows if you just forget about it and do it regularly. These types of accounts can help you do just that and add a little more to what you put in. You decide how much you want to put in it. Oh yeah, there are NO FEES for these types of accounts.

Another account like this is ING Direct. You might remember seeing commercials from this company calling themselves the Orange Account. Sometimes this company even gives you money to open an account. I believe it's $75.00. That's free money!

2. How much are you paying in interest on your credit cards??

If you are lucky to have a credit card (or unlucky some may think) then you have to pay interest on these cards. The interest can vary. Credit Cards can mean big financial trouble! I mean big. It so easy to throw that plastic up on the counter and walk out the door. It almost feels like your purchase was free! That is until you get the bill. When you get that bill they have added interest on to what you purchased.

Example: You've see a outfit for $50.00 that you just have to have. Ya didn't need it but ya had to have it! Yall know what I'm talking about. So you purchase it using your Credit Card with the 18% interest. You sign the receipt for $55.13. You forgot about the tax didn't you. Tax in Calif is 8.25%! And you walk out the store feeling good.

Then comes the Credit Card Statement, that's where they tack on the 18% interest charges. Now you do the math. The manner in which finance charges are calculated has always confused me but I know it's money that I'm paying monthly because I didn't pay cash for my purchase.

If you keep paying the minimum payment on your statement, the price of your purchases goes up each month and you end up slowly paying much more for your purchase that you thought was such a good deal.

My advice either pay it off when you get the 1st bill. So you won't be charged the finance charges, or pay more than the minimum so the finance charges will be lower on your next statement.

3. What to do about those high interest cards?

Call the card issuing company and find out your interest rate. If you show a good history of paying your bill call them and see if they will lower your interest rate. If not, ask them how long it will take before you can get it lowered? Then you decide if this is a company that you want to stay with.

If you don't like their answer...Transfer that balance to a Credit Card with better interest. If you are unable to do that. Pay that dayum thing off as soon as possible and then cut it up and close the account.

My last piece of advice on Credit Cards is this. Try not to use them unless it is absolutely necessary or you know you will be paying it off within a very few months. ( I mean like 3 or 4 months no longer)

a Department Store Credit Cards - Do not even get these unless you are just getting credit and trying to establish a credit history. Once you have established a history get rid of these Interest hungry, money grabbing, financial fitness stealing pieces of crap!

And DO NOT let the.... "If you open a card with us you'll save 10% on your purchase today" sucker you in. How the hell much is 10% going to be on your $50.00 purchase. $5.00 but the interest on these cards could be anywhere from 18-25% . All that for one dayum purchase! I think not!

Take control of your money.

One Side of the Story

Have you ever dated someone that you never really had a spoken committment with and then your relationship with them changed to a non-sexual one for no apparent reason? The thing is you still have the same feelings about them and if sex were to happen you would definetely not stop it.

Then you find out that he's dating someone that you know. You feel a pang in your heart. You wonder why you feel this pang if things are not sexual anylonger. Is it due to unresolved feelings and unanswered questions? Or is it simply...you don't miss the water until the well runs dry.

You found all this out from the person he's now dating. Or at least he said they're dating. So that's just one side of the story. I think it's best to just continue your life as you did before you found out.

Possibilities Narrowed

Just like in the picture of the young black child to the left, we all believed that possibilities were endless. What happens to those thoughts and beliefs as we get older?

As a young child I enjoyed playing with my army men and creating all types of stories with them. The possibilities were endless for my army men and for me.

As I became a teenager the possibilities for my army men were forgotten. I don't even remember what happened to them. Now my possibilities changed to will I be accepted by my fellow students. Will I make friends? When will I have sex and with whom? The possibilities were narrowing down to my learned likes and dislikes.

As a young adult I thought knew what I wanted. All the parties and clubs, friends, lovers, education and money. The possibilities again narrowed by desire for specific things.

Once I became older the possibilities narrowed even further. The parties weren't as plentiful. The clubs weren't as fulfilling. The friends either died due to the AIDS epidemic or moved away for more comfortable possibilities. The lovers became fewer and father between. The education was achieved. The money was satisfactory but society teaches us to always want more.

As I near middle age I wonder what will my possibilities be. Why shouldn't I have more possibilities? Where do the older black gay men go? How do they meet? Why isn't there a place for us to meet and socialize? Why am I and those of my age bracket called Old Headz?

This will happen to all of us. I think about the elderly black gay men and wonder are they sitting alone in their homes or apartments with narrower possibilities. Where do they go? Who do they meet? They say, "The young will inherit the earth." Well I have a message for the young and those not so young. It's time we take care of our elderly. Give them possibilities. Provide someplace for them to go? Think about it how do we want our lives to be when we become elderly? What do we want our possibilities to be?

How narrow do you want your possibilities to be? Well if you don't think about the elderly today then your possibilities will be as narrow as looking through a keyhole and saying, "Who is that passing by?"

Dating is Easy and Beneficial

I know all you attractive men out there can get a date easily. I know that's not always true but we all should. However, I don't think it is in our best interest to go on a date expecting this person to be your next lover. To me it takes some time before I know that I know someone will be my partner. When I was younger I got into relationships right after having a good sex session with someone. Not anymore. I want my relationships now to consist of some real substance.

What is real substance? Being able to talk about your feelings without fear. Being able to listen to his feelings with compassion. Having some goals. Not everyone has big lofty goals of becoming a millionaire by the time they are 30yo. But if you do that's a good thing. Go for it. Even if you have some small goals that's a good thing as well and let people know your goals. You never know who you are talking to that might guide you in the path of reaching it.

I say all this to say that dating is beneficial because you need to know what it is you like about a persons personality and if their personality and characteristics gel with yours. Sex can be off the chain with someone that can't express themselves or has no vision of what they want their life to be. So get to know these folks before you commit yourself to them. It'll only cause heartache and disappointment in the end if you don't.

If you can't wait to have sex with someone, do so knowing that this may not be the one for you after you climax. I know this post is simple in it's approach but I just had to get this off my chest and to reiterate to myself that I'm worthy of someone who'll compliment me. Not someone who will stagnate me. I'd rather be happy and by myself than to be with someone that neither inspired or excited me mentally.

I don't know if this post will help anyone in understanding the the benefits of the dating scene or if it'll go against what one may think is moral and right. That's a choice you'll have to make for yourself. Just don't pick the 1st one that comes along and shows you some interest just because they are showing you interest. Find out who they are before you get to rearranging life.

Oh yeah, A Date is a chance to get to know someone in an enjoyable setting. What's the harm in getting to know multiple people?

Ask The Fruitcake Lady!

I will miss the Fruitcake Lady. She told it like it is to all the dumb asses. This is the only video I could find of her. They took them all of of the NBC website. She died November 3,2006 and was 101 years old.

Read Someone New

I hope you don't think that I'm about to post about cursin' someone out. LOL.

This post is about supporting each other. We all know folks that have written books and we buy them to support them. What you may not know is that many publishers that are not diverse in their thinking as they want you to believe they are pressure our Black writers to tone down their characters, beef up stories etc. At times what you are reading is not the voice that the writer wanted you to hear but the voice that the publisher thought would sell best.

Now I don't claim to be the all knowing of the publishing industry or anything close to it. However, what I do wholeheartedly believe in is support our own. Supporting the start up Black companies. Which relates back to my post Financially Fit.

We as a collective Black community need to be Financially Fit....The only way to do that is if we support each other in any business venture(s) we start. As you know once black people start buying something all the other cultures will follow suit. So why haven't we paid attention to that and made some money??? I don't even know how to answer that.

I'll just end my post by introducing you to a new Black Publisher who publishes books by Authors that you may not have heard of before. He publishes their words not his. Chuma Spirit Books' mission is to SUPPORT independent artistry. This company is innovative in it's attempt to get Author's who may not have the resources or the know how of some to be published.

Support this brotha and good friend of mine, along with the Black writers that he hopes to sore into the world on the back of a Butterfly.

Fools fall in love

And small I love Jennifer Holiday still. Jennifer Hudson is filling some big shoes and is doing a great job. However, Jennifer Holiday is untouchable. Jennie where are you???????

jennifer holiday

Big I loved Jennifer Holiday.

The picture in my mind.

This picture describes how I'm feeling.

Happy Holidays

I never really feel the holidays because I hate shopping when told it's time to shop. Hence, my not having bought 1 xmas gift yet. However, I am starting to feel the spirit of the season and want to wish all a Happy Holidays!

The Law of Attraction

I was given a gift of a DVD by a very good girlfriend of mine. She gave me this gift for my birthday, which was in August. I had not looked at the DVD until today. The name of the DVD is called The Secret. She told me that I probably wouldn't be able to watch it all at one time and not to worry about that. She was right I wasn't able to watch it all at one time. I need to let it marinate. I really want to enforce the ideas of this DVD into my life.

What the DVD talks about is the Law of Attraction. It's the idea that the things you think about are the things that you attract to yourself and that you can attract anything that you want. Simple as that. I do believe wholeheartedly in visualization and the DVD talks about that as well.

I wanted to share a little of it with you all in hopes that it will cause a change in the Black Community to be more prosperous and positive. Here are just a couple of things the DVD says to do:

1. Make a list of all the things you have that you are grateful for. The things that you think about are the things that come about in your life. It's funny that I am viewing this DVD now because the post that I made about my car was a direct result of what I had been thinking. I had been thinking and thinking and thinking about a new car. But I wasn't really making any moves towards it just thinking about it. And the universe or God made it happen for me.

Everyday we should think about the things that we are grateful for. That helps us to remain positive in our thinking and postive things happen to us.

2. Visualize then you materialize. Visualize the things you want in your life and feel the joy of having those things. If it's a new car. Close your eyes and picture yourself in the car driving and and experience how you will feel.

The other most important thing that I got so far from the DVD was this. The how's of making something happen are the domain of the universe or God.

I'm excited about this because this is going to be the beginning of a good year for us all. Simply because you read what I had to say and you will see that it is true. We all know that God only wants good for us. Then we should be grateful and thankful for the things he has provided and realize that by being positive our gifts for love, wealth, and health are already provided.


I'm visualizing a strong Black community that is unified in it's commitment to each other.

Unsure of the Value

I'm sitting in my office at home checking email when I hear in the background a movie that is starting to sound interesting. So I turn around and am instantly drawn into it. After watching it for awhile I think, "Is this that movie about 911?"

Well to quench my curiousity I click the info button on my remote, and low and behold it is. Flight 93.

When that movie came to the theaters I decided not to watch it. The drama of the movie pulled me in but when I realized what it was I changed the channel.

I just do not want to be desensitized to such a horrific event that touched so many lives.

I don't understand the value of making a film about this event. I especially didn't understand it so soon after the occurrance. Am I being too sensitive?

Risks = Fear

It's strange for me to be writing a post on this topic. I am not one that easily takes a risk. Due to fear of course.

But I had a conversation with myself the Friday after Thanksgiving and told myself that it was time to stop being afraid. God will not put more on me than I can bare. I am witness to that for sure. He has never let me down and that is why I pray and thank him daily.

I was driving the same car since 1993 a Mercury Capri. NO they don't make them anymore! sigh. It has been time for me to get a new car for quite awhile. I just was afraid. Afraid that something would happen at my job that we cause me to be jobless and then not be able to pay the car note or my mortgage. Well that wasn't God talking to me. I think God had enough of me and my fear and I was in an accident the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Hit by a guy backing out of a driveway not paying attention and backed right into my passenger door. Huge dent in the door and shattered glass everywhere. Well if that wasn't bad enough. This fool had no insurance, license nor was he an american citizen. Something told me to call the police. But I didn't. I wouldn't get anything for my car and the hassle of dealing with this illegal immigrant was not something I wanted to fill my life with.


(This was my car except it was silver and included dings, scratches and a dent. The last dent was the last straw. I was not about to drive around town with with a big dent in the door and plastic on my window!)






Then I finally listened to what God was telling me and what he tells us all. I will not put more on you than you can bare. So I decided to finally get the car that I wanted. And I feel fine about it because I know that I will be all right!

I will also be taking more risks in my life and making things happen. I know I said something similiar to this awile ago but I mean it and I'm doing it.

I'm saying all this to you so that you know that anything that you want you can have. It is yours for the taking. Do not be afraid. Once you take that 1st step, the fear is gone and you wonder....What the hell was I afraid of.

Take a Risk..I did and I'm doing fine!!!

In A Sentimental Mood

I'm in a sentimental mood
Just want to sit around and brood

Trying to find the love of my life
Doesn't he know my life is full of strife?

If he did I know he would come
But here I am dreaming of the happiness of some

I'm in a Sentimental Mood
Just want to sit around and brood

Phyllis Hyman - In A Sentimental Mood (1981)

Phyllis Hyman In a Sentimental Mood 1981

Brotherhood

There is an African Proverb which succinctly captures the humanity upon which a sense of community is founded:

Umuntu ngumuntu ngabanye ngabantu Motho Ke motho Ka batho

The broad meaning of this proverb is that each person's huminity is ideally expressed through his or her relationship with others, and theirs in turn, through a recognition of that person's humanity.

Nelson Mandela

Photo title: Self-Portrait with Clarence Profit
artist: James VanDerZee
year:1930s
process:vintage gelatin silver print

True Grits

Look for this short and 2 more that go with it at a Film Festival near you soon. Written by Blaine Teamer. Also check out his book Shady. It will have you laughing out loud!

Financially Fit

I just have a word of advice for the younger brothers in blogland. Get your finances in order. I know that in Black Families we don't learn a lot about finances. That is usually a secret topic. As a child most of the time we just know what we have and what we don't have. However, we rarely learn what we can have and how to get it.

Get your self ready to purchase a house. It may not mean a whole lot to you right now but ultimately one day you will want to purchase. Real Estate is one industry that you can bet will not end. However, it does go up and down in value. Right now it's up and looking at the total amount to purchase a house can scare the hell out of you making you think I could never afford that. That can not be further from the truth. With rent at an all time high you could actually be paying more for rent than you would for a mortgage.

A friend of mine is looking for an apartment right now because the building he lives in is going condo. He's not in a financial position to purchase the apt and frankly doesn't want to. He's been looking around town for a 1 or 2 bedroom apartment in decent areas of Los Angeles. The prices range from $1,300.00 to $2700.00 a month or more. Now why in the hell should you pay that much for something you don't own. My mortgage is more than half of that and I'll have much more space than he will find.

So get rid of the fear of buying a home by understanding what it entails. Even if your not ready to buy a house learn some of the basics.

How much would you have to put down for a house? That can be scary when you think 10% or more on a $200,000.00 home. (Don't move to L.A. cuz you probably wouldn't want to live in a $200k home. Now that's scary) At any rate if you start to save just a little bit of money each time you get paid you will have that down payment. You determine the amount. I can't tell you how much. Whether it's $50 or $100 you'll be surprised how quickly a year passes and you have saved from $1200.00 or $2400.00. In 5 years that's $6,000.00 or $12,000.00.

Just decide when it is that you want to buy a house and add that money up over that time period. You'll have your down payment. You'll have a mortgage that is more than likely less than what you are paying in rent.

There are many 1st time buyer programs out there that any bank can help you with. If your still a little nervous. Go to any bank website and look up mortgages and they'll have a mortgage calculator so that you can see what your mortgage payment will be. A word of caution that's not all you have to figure in. There will be those dayum fees that banks charge that could be from $3,000 to $5,000 in total. Don't worry that's just added to your mortgage. So $5,000.00 over 30 years is only $13.88. So add that and your taxes which could be about $200.00 a month. This will all help you remove that fear. Another thing you can get from these websites is terminology. They'll usually have definitions of all the terms.

My last word....Get rid of your credit card debt anyway that you can. Consolidate it into one card or whatever you have to do. It's good to have credit but it can also hurt you.

The only way Black people will have power is with financial fitness. Get fit! Even if your just saving $5.00 a paycheck.

Grieve

We are still dying. Young gay Black men. I know there is a lot of focus on the Black Woman in the AIDs fight. However, Black Men we are still dying. I started to get into the discussion on whether enough is being done in the fight for Black Men or why are Black Men still participating in unprotected sex? I decided not to go down that road. We've all heard it before and I don't think that the multitude of solutions are really solutions at all. In my opinion many of the so-called solutions to end AIDs are simply money making efforts by politicians, drug companies a means for non-profit agencies to create a money-maker. I will not to get into that subject as I admit I am not a scholar of the field at all.

However, one thing that I am very close to is loosing those who have died from this disease. I've heard people say that I have lost 20, 40, 50 or more friends to this disease. I'm not sure why the number of deaths means so much to some people. I don't know how many of my friends and acquaintances have died. I just know that they are not here. I've never counted and never wanted to. I think by doing that it would lesson their meaning to me.

I am writing this because another friend of mine just passed away from AIDs complications. His name is Terrence Evans.

How do we grieve for friends that die? In this lifestyle it is difficult to grieve in what one might consider the right way. The right way? That in itself doesn't sound right to me. We should not be grieving at all for these young men. They should be here with us. Yet they are not so we must grieve.

Back to my question, how do we grieve for them? I know I don't have the answer. Many of the people we know, we don't know their families. Most times when you hear of someone's death it is from another friend. So you ask your friend all the questions that you would ask if it was a family member privy to all the information surrounding the death.

When...? Where...? What...? How..?
We can all fill in the beginning of those questions.

If it is a family member that is the bearer of the news, you'll more than likely get all of your questions answered. This usually means that there was a true connection with their son, brother, father and knew of his lifestyle. If it news comes from a friend, in most cases there will not be any information other than he passed away. The What, When Where and How questions don't garner as much satisfaction.

The satisfaction of these questions lets you know that you now can claim a clear resolution in your mind. Thoughts of when you first met your friend immediately come to mind when you hear the news. Then thoughts of the mutual experiences you've shared. The next thoughts usually are thoughts of resolution. Knowing that your friend is really gone, that you were able to say goodbye at their wake or funeral.

When one isn't able to resolve the end in their mind. You have feelings that you will see them again even though intellectually you know you won't. Although we accept our friends death as true, how do we grieve if you are not a participant in the process of their final rest?

It's a sad feeling and it never goes away. This can not be healthy when you have experienced this so many times. Do we all need therapy or have we become numb to death? There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Acknowledge your grieving. If you are unsure how to grieve, The Caring Connections may be of help to you.

Good bye Terrence Evans I love you.

You Gotta Lotta Nerve

I know I've been away awhile.

To say I have been working like a slave is an understatement. Even while working long hours I agreed to help plan a co-workers mother's 80th Birthday Party for next month. I began the planning in August. Everything was going smoothly. I created a plan for the party with my tasks and my co-workers tasks. This is going to be an easy event I thought.

The party will take place at Dulan's Catering and Banquet Hall. That meant the location and food have been taken care of in one swoop. Great! All I need to do now is some decoration and invitations. The theme of the party is "This Is You're Life" sort of like the old television show. The Happy Birthday Banner has been ordered, I custom made vases for the centerpiece with a then picture and now picture of her mother on each side of the square vase. The vase will hold yellow roses her mothers favorite and in her favorite color. I created the invitation and a save the date notice. The save the date notice informs the invitee of the date of the party and also of the memorable gift that we'd like to create for her mother. The gift is a book that all the invited guests will help in creating. It will include anything that the guests would like to send whether a note or picture from past or present. The gift will be presented at the party.

On countless occaisions I have asked this woman what her budget for the party is. Each time she has not wanted to tell me. So therefore I have been trying to do things in the most cost-effective ways as possible. When people don't want to give you a budget that means they don't want to spend a lot of money or they don't want to give you any money up front. I should have stopped right there and not done the event until a budget was defined. My mistake!

At any rate I do really like this woman. However, she can be something else at times. The invitations went out two weeks late meaning Sept 15th because she would not get stamps for the invitations or save the date notices. She hadn't even provided me with the guest list. So by the time she did get stamps and all to me, I had to mail everything in one package. I told her at that point that I thought that one stamp would not be enough postage to send these.

"Oh yes it will my husband is a retired postal worker and he said it was enough". she sharply responded.

"Maybe we should get them weighed just in case." I said.

With a look of I know what the hell I'm talking about she said, "You need to hurry up and get the invitations out."

Ok I'll mail them in the morning. And that I did, with the one stamp. This past weekend she called me to say that she had called several people and they had not received the invitation yet. Well if there wasn't enough postage on them maybe it's taking a little longer to arrive or they'll be sent back to us. Today they arrived back needing 48 more cents of postage. Before they arrived in the mail I frantically spent a couple of hours creating a new apology invite to send right away. Right after I got them printed this morning is when the original ones arrived from the post office.

Now this woman had a tone in her voice that I am very familiar with. It's that tone you messed up and are ruining this event. I tried not to react to that, because I know that she was just nervous about the party. She left me with the feeling that it was all my fault. That was pissing me off.

I wasn't going to react because if she wasn't being so cheap and slow to get her things together then this would never have happened. Now I'm waiting for her to get me more picutures so that I can create a slide show presentation that will show throughout the party. This is because all those that she has asked to speak at the party have all declined.

So there we were adding additional stamps to the packages, including the apology for the late notice to the package. When she says jokingly, I'm taking this work out of your pay.

Now I don't need this money. Planning parties is something that's fun for me. But lawd help me not to go off on this woman and tell her that her shit is raggedy and if she tries not to pay me our agreed upon amount that I will sue her fat black wannabe grand ass for this discounted amount she is paying me!! (And trust me she is not grand at all.)

Ok now I got that out so I'll be fine now. However, I have learned one lesson not to let a client get away with not having a budget or getting half the money upfront.

I'm still going to make it a very nice event for her mother. It's not her fault she has an ignorant daughter. Or is it??????????

Weather Roach

This is hilarious!

What do you think?

I don't care if someone calls me a Nigga. That doesn't bother me. Now if they call me a Bitch we're going to have a problem.

--------Ice Cube... On the documentary The "N" Word

That was one of the stupidest thing that I have ever heard.



I received this movie from Netflix about a week ago and now that I was finally able to sit down and relax enough to watch it. I watched it this morning. There were some very interesting comments by people. For many in the documentary the word is loosing it's strength. For others it still has the same strength.

One of the most insightful comments for me was by Cee-Lo. He said basically (not a direct quote) that the word is a money maker. Just like back in the day when Black people in movies had to coon it up or shuffle their feet as entertainment for White people. What really is the difference? The difference to me is now these Black people that are cooning on stage or being a real man, as they refer to themselves are getting paid big time.

So if the changing of the word came from Black people who struggled in the ghetto doing what they had to do or act how they had to act to be "real" then why are they now living in Multi-Million dollar homes far away from the ghetto. Is that still "Real"?

The white people are still laughing at Black people calling each other names that are derogatory in it's essence all the way to the bank as well as calling them Nigger behind their backs. Not Nigga, because to them they'd rather pronounce it properly. Just like the southern whites who felt they were of better class than those whites of lower class who would say niggah, they chose to say Nigra. Do the words meaning anything different just because they are pronounced a differently?

A lot of the Rappers and Hip Hop community see themselves as desensitizing the word. However, the word still has the same meaning. It has becomes cloudy in it's interpretation and and confusing for who can and who can not use it. Cee-Lo also mentioned a business man who went to China for a business deal and was greeted by a Chinese man with "Hi Nigga!" So that's how American Black men are seen. George Wolff, playwright said in other countries America is defined by McDonald's and Niggas.

That's just like when people in other parts of the US think about Compton they think dangerous. That's stupid too cuz Los Angeles is dangerous everywhere. In practically every area of Los Angeles the well to do areas are usually only separated by a couple of blocks.

One last question for everyone. Isn't saying the "N" word just an acronym for Nigga, Nigger, Niggah, or Nigra? Everytime I hear the "N" word that's exactly what it means to me. How about you?

Maybe we can start saying: Hi Chink, Hi Spic, Hi #$%&* etc. I wonder how other ethnic groups will react?

What do you think? Let me know.

My Mouth is Dry

I really want to talk about an incident I endured this past Sunday. However, it would take so much to explain it all that I think you might get bored. So in a nutshell. I went to an impromptu meeting of some Black Gay men who wanted to discuss our concerns and struggles in the world today and how we might be able to help each other. The overall consensus was that Black men period are invisible. I know you've all heard that before and surely felt it, that is if you are a Black Man.

There was one brother at the event who simply floored me with his arrogance. It was that type of arrogance that is subtle and masked by a command of the English language that can sometimes fool you into thinking that one is saying something of great importance. Well I am a good listener, however not such a great speaker. This brotha was basing the activities of 3 young black men and using their behavior to characterize most young black men. He then questioned why won't young men take opportunities given to them such as the one he was providing.

I was disgusted to say the least at the way he described one situation. I was to the point of stuttering. When I'm upset I have difficulty getting words out and at times can't form an intelligent thought successfully. I tried though. Probably my 1st mistake. I should have just ignored him. But I felt he would go on and on.

My comments to him were along the lines of: What did you do to help him understand the opportunity that you were giving him and how he was jeopardizing it? Why were you questioning him as if you were law enforcement.

From that he went into that I really don't know the situation or him so I should not be able to accurately assess the situation. My mind went to then why in the hell are you using that as an example. I said it too.

I told him that I found that in many situations when there is a Black man in a position of power they sometimes do not appropriately mentor those in positions below their own. In fact sometimes expect that one should just know. One guy summarized my words succinctly by quoting something he read. Many times those enslaved take on the characteristics of the enslaver.

Well the arrogant brotha didn't get it and continued to speak to me as if I was clueless as to what he was talking about. Actually I wasn't responding to what he was talking about I was responding to his attitude. Was he really interested in the success of these young men. Why wasn't he able to talk to them to find out what it was that they needed or why their behavior was less than exemplary? With that his face changed as he looked around the room and continued to make comments as if I had completely missed the boat. Since he was better known within this group of men he was successful to a certain degree in bringing a couple of other brothas to agreeing with his point of view.

One brotha even commented and asked me if there was something that I needed to talk about because I seemed like I was hurt. This made the steam in my mind puddle and boil.

No I don't need to talk about anything and there is no need for be condescending to me. Their eyes bugged and they looked around like this man is nuts. At least that was my impression of their behavior. Maybe I was being sensitive at that point...Nonetheless I didn't appreciate it.

My mouth was dry and I was shaking inside trying not to show it. Like I said. I should have just ignored him. Have you ever been made to feel as if what you are saying is absurd? Like your comments seem to be coming from a location in the universe that hasn't been identified as a planet yet?

One of the 1st things I learned in my psychology classes was, The hardest thing to prove is that you are not crazy. Simply put let 2 people say that you are crazy and see how crazy you sound trying to convince them that you are not.

Cell Phone Beatdown!

I haven't been blogging for awhile and was getting close to getting back into the swing of things. However, I wanted to wait until I had some positive things to say. Screeech goes the brakes on finding something positive for a moment. I gotta express my feelings on this topic.

I went to a seminar this past weekend that offered many breakout sessions on different topics that effect Black Men. We enjoyed a continental breakfast, conversation and were just about to hear a couple of speakers. It felt like it was going to be a really nice Saturday morning.

I sat at the table with a few people some I knew and some I didn't. Just before the program began a guy about 25 years old, thinking he's the IT girl but looks a steaming hot mess sits down at our table. He flops down right next to me and says absolutely nothing. So I turned to him spoke and told him my name. He responded in kind. As the program started IT got a phone call. Of course whenever anything like that happens everyone in the room turns around to see who forgot to turn the cell phone off.

Well most normal people would just turn off the phone once they realize that they hadn't already. Not this steaming hot mess. He answers the phone and starts talking. Talking in his normal speaking voice. All at our table seemed annoyed and looked at him. Again a normal person would have ended the call he didn't until a few minutes more. After that episode we went on to the rest of the day of seminars until Lunch time.

After the morning sessions it was lunch time. We all pretty much sat at the same tables from the morning. I actually was not even thinking that IT would be on the phone again after the looks he got at breakfast. During the entire lunch no cell phone. As we listened to the final speaker of the day IT decides to make a phone call.

I had had enough, so I turned to IT and said will not you get on the phone please. You are disturbing everyone at the table who is trying to listen to the speaker.

IT: You know there are plenty of other places to sit in here.

ME: Then move!

IT: I'm not moving no damn where and I'll get on my phone if I want to so why don't you just turn around and mind your business.

IT really doesn't know who he's dealing with and that shyt raised my blood pressure to burst. Without even realizing it I tried to snatch the phone from his hand at the same time saying...

ME: Get off the phone!

IT: You are not going to take my phone from me! I will not let you do that.

Thinking to myself. Man you are not this queens daddy.

ME: I apologize for grabbing at your phone, I shouldn't have done that. But you don't need to be on it. You're disturbing the rest of us at this table.

I then turned back. IT said nothing. Moments later IT slithered out of the room.

I was fuming at the nerve of him and at myself for loosing control. Thank God I was able to catch myself though cuz what I felt myself doing was not talking to this fool. But rather grabbing him by his neck and beating him with that dayum phone.

After the lunch I walked right over to IT and told him that I wanted to speak to him.

IT: I wish you wouldn't.

ME: Maybe so but I need to say something to you. Again I apologize for grabbing at your phone I shouldn't have. However, what you were doing was inappropriate.

IT: I was making a 911 Emergency call.

ME: Then you should have taken the call outside the room. If it was a emergency call you were making then why are you still here?

I just walked away cuz I didn't want IT to get my pressure up again especially with there being more room in the lobby for me to lay his ass out!

People neither of our behavior was appropriate. Avoid this type of situation by turning the cell phones off in some situations.

Stress Headache

Well I thought I would be back in full force blogging again...but I have been really stressed at work. Hardly anyone is allowed to take any vacation right now due to this global project that will be implemented on Sept. 5th. Yeah Labor Day, so that might be a holiday that I won't get to enjoy.At any rate, I thought I would share this commercial that I found. It's for Excedrin. Just what I needed to get me through another day in the office. I think many of you will want to buy this product too. Get it before it's all sold out!!!


Excedrin

In Threes

They say all things happen in threes. I don't know if that's just a silly superstition or if there really is some validity to it. I think on some level I think there is some truth to it. I'm sitting here in this heat wondering what the 3rd thing is going to be.

Let me back up so that you know what the 1st and 2nd things are.

I was driving on the freeway recently on my way home from Countertop shopping and as I stopped on the breaks and my car decides, Oh hell naw, I'm not stopping right away. This was not my 1st time in a situation like this when a car that I've owned decided not to stop. What I quickly learned in that situation is you gotta pump ya breaks. Well it worked then and it worked this time too.

Unlike in my youth, I wasn't always able to get those expensive breaks fixed right away and drove around town pumpin the metal. Not now! The next day I was at the mechanic to check them out. Well it wasn't so bad after all and only cost me $180.00 to repair the damage.

The 2nd thing happened just today. Last night I hung out with a friend whose part of town completely blacked out yesterday. I need to call him to see if they have power back yet. So he and I hung out for a little while then came to my place to chillin under the air conditioning. As we chilled something seemed funny but I just didn't pay it any attention.

This morning I got the same feeling. Something just doesn't feel right. Little did I know that the operative word in my question was FEEL. As I drove into the garage from the Calif heat baking me to death. I looked forward to entering the coolness of my home.

As soon as I opened the door I knew exactly what that feeling was about I had had the night before. I heard the air conditioner blowing, but it was not blowing what I craved all the way home. I craved cool air and this thing was blowing nothing but hot air!

So there are my 2 things in less than 2 weeks. What will be # 3. I know right now Iwant to run in my drawers through the spray of a water hydrant. I've already contacted my home warranty company to get someone here to fix this thing! Hopefully they'll be able to get someone here this week! I'm supposed to have a book club meeting at my house on Sunday.

___________________________________________________________________

By the way my book club is reading an excellent book entitle Upstate by Kalisha Buckhanon . It's a fast and engrossing read. Hard to put down. While reading it I feel like I have stumbled upon something private that I found in a hidden place in the attic. I compare the feeling to the scene in The Color Purple when Celie found all the letters from her sister and kept it a secret that she was reading them. If you get a chance to read it I think you'll enjoy it.

Runaway Slave

When people would ask me what type of a man I wanted to be in a relationship with I would say. I want a runaway slave. (Maybe I'll explain that in another post. It's not really relevant for this one) Well now I want to be a runaway slave!!

I'm in a dilemma and I haven't been this unsure of my destiny or happiness in years. I'm usually pretty content with my life. Lately that has not been the case. I don't even have anyone to talk to about it that can relate to where I am at this point in time. So I thought I'd post on here and see if anyone had any concrete and intelligent advice for me. That's one thing that I don't ask for often either, advice.

Those that know me never think that I ever have any problems. Or at least if I do have problems they always believe that I can handle them and then just move on. So eventually I do end up handling the situation as I have no other choice or options in most cases.

Anyway I am feeling very unsatisfied with my life here in California. Everything that you hear about California is probably true and there are something's that you may not know. It is very superficial, laidback, expensive and prejudice. I've just about had it up to here with California. It's just so dayum difficult to leave the weather and access to activities.

I've been wondering if the weather and access are things that should be keeping me here. I'm not in a relationship currently so what's holding me back you say? Fear! Fear of the unknown.

Now if I was in my 20s still I would've been gone! However, I am not. So where I need help is with making a decision to move. I have a home that I love made some friends and basically comfortable. I've been at my job a long time and it's difficult to step out into something new when you haven't had to in so many years. How do you wrap your mind around leaving?

For some of you the answer may be easy. Just do it. However, that's too risky for me because it is just me. Do I just not have enough faith in myself? I'm probably answering my own questions as I type. Still it's not giving me the tools to take a step in any direction. Where can I get these tools? Does anybody know? I want to be that runaway slave and get away from these Slave Masters I work for and the mannequins that surround every corner of LA

Where is Harriet Tubman when you need her?????