The picture in my mind.

This picture describes how I'm feeling.

Happy Holidays

I never really feel the holidays because I hate shopping when told it's time to shop. Hence, my not having bought 1 xmas gift yet. However, I am starting to feel the spirit of the season and want to wish all a Happy Holidays!

The Law of Attraction

I was given a gift of a DVD by a very good girlfriend of mine. She gave me this gift for my birthday, which was in August. I had not looked at the DVD until today. The name of the DVD is called The Secret. She told me that I probably wouldn't be able to watch it all at one time and not to worry about that. She was right I wasn't able to watch it all at one time. I need to let it marinate. I really want to enforce the ideas of this DVD into my life.

What the DVD talks about is the Law of Attraction. It's the idea that the things you think about are the things that you attract to yourself and that you can attract anything that you want. Simple as that. I do believe wholeheartedly in visualization and the DVD talks about that as well.

I wanted to share a little of it with you all in hopes that it will cause a change in the Black Community to be more prosperous and positive. Here are just a couple of things the DVD says to do:

1. Make a list of all the things you have that you are grateful for. The things that you think about are the things that come about in your life. It's funny that I am viewing this DVD now because the post that I made about my car was a direct result of what I had been thinking. I had been thinking and thinking and thinking about a new car. But I wasn't really making any moves towards it just thinking about it. And the universe or God made it happen for me.

Everyday we should think about the things that we are grateful for. That helps us to remain positive in our thinking and postive things happen to us.

2. Visualize then you materialize. Visualize the things you want in your life and feel the joy of having those things. If it's a new car. Close your eyes and picture yourself in the car driving and and experience how you will feel.

The other most important thing that I got so far from the DVD was this. The how's of making something happen are the domain of the universe or God.

I'm excited about this because this is going to be the beginning of a good year for us all. Simply because you read what I had to say and you will see that it is true. We all know that God only wants good for us. Then we should be grateful and thankful for the things he has provided and realize that by being positive our gifts for love, wealth, and health are already provided.


I'm visualizing a strong Black community that is unified in it's commitment to each other.

Unsure of the Value

I'm sitting in my office at home checking email when I hear in the background a movie that is starting to sound interesting. So I turn around and am instantly drawn into it. After watching it for awhile I think, "Is this that movie about 911?"

Well to quench my curiousity I click the info button on my remote, and low and behold it is. Flight 93.

When that movie came to the theaters I decided not to watch it. The drama of the movie pulled me in but when I realized what it was I changed the channel.

I just do not want to be desensitized to such a horrific event that touched so many lives.

I don't understand the value of making a film about this event. I especially didn't understand it so soon after the occurrance. Am I being too sensitive?

Risks = Fear

It's strange for me to be writing a post on this topic. I am not one that easily takes a risk. Due to fear of course.

But I had a conversation with myself the Friday after Thanksgiving and told myself that it was time to stop being afraid. God will not put more on me than I can bare. I am witness to that for sure. He has never let me down and that is why I pray and thank him daily.

I was driving the same car since 1993 a Mercury Capri. NO they don't make them anymore! sigh. It has been time for me to get a new car for quite awhile. I just was afraid. Afraid that something would happen at my job that we cause me to be jobless and then not be able to pay the car note or my mortgage. Well that wasn't God talking to me. I think God had enough of me and my fear and I was in an accident the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Hit by a guy backing out of a driveway not paying attention and backed right into my passenger door. Huge dent in the door and shattered glass everywhere. Well if that wasn't bad enough. This fool had no insurance, license nor was he an american citizen. Something told me to call the police. But I didn't. I wouldn't get anything for my car and the hassle of dealing with this illegal immigrant was not something I wanted to fill my life with.


(This was my car except it was silver and included dings, scratches and a dent. The last dent was the last straw. I was not about to drive around town with with a big dent in the door and plastic on my window!)






Then I finally listened to what God was telling me and what he tells us all. I will not put more on you than you can bare. So I decided to finally get the car that I wanted. And I feel fine about it because I know that I will be all right!

I will also be taking more risks in my life and making things happen. I know I said something similiar to this awile ago but I mean it and I'm doing it.

I'm saying all this to you so that you know that anything that you want you can have. It is yours for the taking. Do not be afraid. Once you take that 1st step, the fear is gone and you wonder....What the hell was I afraid of.

Take a Risk..I did and I'm doing fine!!!

In A Sentimental Mood

I'm in a sentimental mood
Just want to sit around and brood

Trying to find the love of my life
Doesn't he know my life is full of strife?

If he did I know he would come
But here I am dreaming of the happiness of some

I'm in a Sentimental Mood
Just want to sit around and brood

Phyllis Hyman - In A Sentimental Mood (1981)

Phyllis Hyman In a Sentimental Mood 1981

Brotherhood

There is an African Proverb which succinctly captures the humanity upon which a sense of community is founded:

Umuntu ngumuntu ngabanye ngabantu Motho Ke motho Ka batho

The broad meaning of this proverb is that each person's huminity is ideally expressed through his or her relationship with others, and theirs in turn, through a recognition of that person's humanity.

Nelson Mandela

Photo title: Self-Portrait with Clarence Profit
artist: James VanDerZee
year:1930s
process:vintage gelatin silver print

True Grits

Look for this short and 2 more that go with it at a Film Festival near you soon. Written by Blaine Teamer. Also check out his book Shady. It will have you laughing out loud!

Financially Fit

I just have a word of advice for the younger brothers in blogland. Get your finances in order. I know that in Black Families we don't learn a lot about finances. That is usually a secret topic. As a child most of the time we just know what we have and what we don't have. However, we rarely learn what we can have and how to get it.

Get your self ready to purchase a house. It may not mean a whole lot to you right now but ultimately one day you will want to purchase. Real Estate is one industry that you can bet will not end. However, it does go up and down in value. Right now it's up and looking at the total amount to purchase a house can scare the hell out of you making you think I could never afford that. That can not be further from the truth. With rent at an all time high you could actually be paying more for rent than you would for a mortgage.

A friend of mine is looking for an apartment right now because the building he lives in is going condo. He's not in a financial position to purchase the apt and frankly doesn't want to. He's been looking around town for a 1 or 2 bedroom apartment in decent areas of Los Angeles. The prices range from $1,300.00 to $2700.00 a month or more. Now why in the hell should you pay that much for something you don't own. My mortgage is more than half of that and I'll have much more space than he will find.

So get rid of the fear of buying a home by understanding what it entails. Even if your not ready to buy a house learn some of the basics.

How much would you have to put down for a house? That can be scary when you think 10% or more on a $200,000.00 home. (Don't move to L.A. cuz you probably wouldn't want to live in a $200k home. Now that's scary) At any rate if you start to save just a little bit of money each time you get paid you will have that down payment. You determine the amount. I can't tell you how much. Whether it's $50 or $100 you'll be surprised how quickly a year passes and you have saved from $1200.00 or $2400.00. In 5 years that's $6,000.00 or $12,000.00.

Just decide when it is that you want to buy a house and add that money up over that time period. You'll have your down payment. You'll have a mortgage that is more than likely less than what you are paying in rent.

There are many 1st time buyer programs out there that any bank can help you with. If your still a little nervous. Go to any bank website and look up mortgages and they'll have a mortgage calculator so that you can see what your mortgage payment will be. A word of caution that's not all you have to figure in. There will be those dayum fees that banks charge that could be from $3,000 to $5,000 in total. Don't worry that's just added to your mortgage. So $5,000.00 over 30 years is only $13.88. So add that and your taxes which could be about $200.00 a month. This will all help you remove that fear. Another thing you can get from these websites is terminology. They'll usually have definitions of all the terms.

My last word....Get rid of your credit card debt anyway that you can. Consolidate it into one card or whatever you have to do. It's good to have credit but it can also hurt you.

The only way Black people will have power is with financial fitness. Get fit! Even if your just saving $5.00 a paycheck.

Grieve

We are still dying. Young gay Black men. I know there is a lot of focus on the Black Woman in the AIDs fight. However, Black Men we are still dying. I started to get into the discussion on whether enough is being done in the fight for Black Men or why are Black Men still participating in unprotected sex? I decided not to go down that road. We've all heard it before and I don't think that the multitude of solutions are really solutions at all. In my opinion many of the so-called solutions to end AIDs are simply money making efforts by politicians, drug companies a means for non-profit agencies to create a money-maker. I will not to get into that subject as I admit I am not a scholar of the field at all.

However, one thing that I am very close to is loosing those who have died from this disease. I've heard people say that I have lost 20, 40, 50 or more friends to this disease. I'm not sure why the number of deaths means so much to some people. I don't know how many of my friends and acquaintances have died. I just know that they are not here. I've never counted and never wanted to. I think by doing that it would lesson their meaning to me.

I am writing this because another friend of mine just passed away from AIDs complications. His name is Terrence Evans.

How do we grieve for friends that die? In this lifestyle it is difficult to grieve in what one might consider the right way. The right way? That in itself doesn't sound right to me. We should not be grieving at all for these young men. They should be here with us. Yet they are not so we must grieve.

Back to my question, how do we grieve for them? I know I don't have the answer. Many of the people we know, we don't know their families. Most times when you hear of someone's death it is from another friend. So you ask your friend all the questions that you would ask if it was a family member privy to all the information surrounding the death.

When...? Where...? What...? How..?
We can all fill in the beginning of those questions.

If it is a family member that is the bearer of the news, you'll more than likely get all of your questions answered. This usually means that there was a true connection with their son, brother, father and knew of his lifestyle. If it news comes from a friend, in most cases there will not be any information other than he passed away. The What, When Where and How questions don't garner as much satisfaction.

The satisfaction of these questions lets you know that you now can claim a clear resolution in your mind. Thoughts of when you first met your friend immediately come to mind when you hear the news. Then thoughts of the mutual experiences you've shared. The next thoughts usually are thoughts of resolution. Knowing that your friend is really gone, that you were able to say goodbye at their wake or funeral.

When one isn't able to resolve the end in their mind. You have feelings that you will see them again even though intellectually you know you won't. Although we accept our friends death as true, how do we grieve if you are not a participant in the process of their final rest?

It's a sad feeling and it never goes away. This can not be healthy when you have experienced this so many times. Do we all need therapy or have we become numb to death? There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Acknowledge your grieving. If you are unsure how to grieve, The Caring Connections may be of help to you.

Good bye Terrence Evans I love you.

You Gotta Lotta Nerve

I know I've been away awhile.

To say I have been working like a slave is an understatement. Even while working long hours I agreed to help plan a co-workers mother's 80th Birthday Party for next month. I began the planning in August. Everything was going smoothly. I created a plan for the party with my tasks and my co-workers tasks. This is going to be an easy event I thought.

The party will take place at Dulan's Catering and Banquet Hall. That meant the location and food have been taken care of in one swoop. Great! All I need to do now is some decoration and invitations. The theme of the party is "This Is You're Life" sort of like the old television show. The Happy Birthday Banner has been ordered, I custom made vases for the centerpiece with a then picture and now picture of her mother on each side of the square vase. The vase will hold yellow roses her mothers favorite and in her favorite color. I created the invitation and a save the date notice. The save the date notice informs the invitee of the date of the party and also of the memorable gift that we'd like to create for her mother. The gift is a book that all the invited guests will help in creating. It will include anything that the guests would like to send whether a note or picture from past or present. The gift will be presented at the party.

On countless occaisions I have asked this woman what her budget for the party is. Each time she has not wanted to tell me. So therefore I have been trying to do things in the most cost-effective ways as possible. When people don't want to give you a budget that means they don't want to spend a lot of money or they don't want to give you any money up front. I should have stopped right there and not done the event until a budget was defined. My mistake!

At any rate I do really like this woman. However, she can be something else at times. The invitations went out two weeks late meaning Sept 15th because she would not get stamps for the invitations or save the date notices. She hadn't even provided me with the guest list. So by the time she did get stamps and all to me, I had to mail everything in one package. I told her at that point that I thought that one stamp would not be enough postage to send these.

"Oh yes it will my husband is a retired postal worker and he said it was enough". she sharply responded.

"Maybe we should get them weighed just in case." I said.

With a look of I know what the hell I'm talking about she said, "You need to hurry up and get the invitations out."

Ok I'll mail them in the morning. And that I did, with the one stamp. This past weekend she called me to say that she had called several people and they had not received the invitation yet. Well if there wasn't enough postage on them maybe it's taking a little longer to arrive or they'll be sent back to us. Today they arrived back needing 48 more cents of postage. Before they arrived in the mail I frantically spent a couple of hours creating a new apology invite to send right away. Right after I got them printed this morning is when the original ones arrived from the post office.

Now this woman had a tone in her voice that I am very familiar with. It's that tone you messed up and are ruining this event. I tried not to react to that, because I know that she was just nervous about the party. She left me with the feeling that it was all my fault. That was pissing me off.

I wasn't going to react because if she wasn't being so cheap and slow to get her things together then this would never have happened. Now I'm waiting for her to get me more picutures so that I can create a slide show presentation that will show throughout the party. This is because all those that she has asked to speak at the party have all declined.

So there we were adding additional stamps to the packages, including the apology for the late notice to the package. When she says jokingly, I'm taking this work out of your pay.

Now I don't need this money. Planning parties is something that's fun for me. But lawd help me not to go off on this woman and tell her that her shit is raggedy and if she tries not to pay me our agreed upon amount that I will sue her fat black wannabe grand ass for this discounted amount she is paying me!! (And trust me she is not grand at all.)

Ok now I got that out so I'll be fine now. However, I have learned one lesson not to let a client get away with not having a budget or getting half the money upfront.

I'm still going to make it a very nice event for her mother. It's not her fault she has an ignorant daughter. Or is it??????????

Weather Roach

This is hilarious!

What do you think?

I don't care if someone calls me a Nigga. That doesn't bother me. Now if they call me a Bitch we're going to have a problem.

--------Ice Cube... On the documentary The "N" Word

That was one of the stupidest thing that I have ever heard.



I received this movie from Netflix about a week ago and now that I was finally able to sit down and relax enough to watch it. I watched it this morning. There were some very interesting comments by people. For many in the documentary the word is loosing it's strength. For others it still has the same strength.

One of the most insightful comments for me was by Cee-Lo. He said basically (not a direct quote) that the word is a money maker. Just like back in the day when Black people in movies had to coon it up or shuffle their feet as entertainment for White people. What really is the difference? The difference to me is now these Black people that are cooning on stage or being a real man, as they refer to themselves are getting paid big time.

So if the changing of the word came from Black people who struggled in the ghetto doing what they had to do or act how they had to act to be "real" then why are they now living in Multi-Million dollar homes far away from the ghetto. Is that still "Real"?

The white people are still laughing at Black people calling each other names that are derogatory in it's essence all the way to the bank as well as calling them Nigger behind their backs. Not Nigga, because to them they'd rather pronounce it properly. Just like the southern whites who felt they were of better class than those whites of lower class who would say niggah, they chose to say Nigra. Do the words meaning anything different just because they are pronounced a differently?

A lot of the Rappers and Hip Hop community see themselves as desensitizing the word. However, the word still has the same meaning. It has becomes cloudy in it's interpretation and and confusing for who can and who can not use it. Cee-Lo also mentioned a business man who went to China for a business deal and was greeted by a Chinese man with "Hi Nigga!" So that's how American Black men are seen. George Wolff, playwright said in other countries America is defined by McDonald's and Niggas.

That's just like when people in other parts of the US think about Compton they think dangerous. That's stupid too cuz Los Angeles is dangerous everywhere. In practically every area of Los Angeles the well to do areas are usually only separated by a couple of blocks.

One last question for everyone. Isn't saying the "N" word just an acronym for Nigga, Nigger, Niggah, or Nigra? Everytime I hear the "N" word that's exactly what it means to me. How about you?

Maybe we can start saying: Hi Chink, Hi Spic, Hi #$%&* etc. I wonder how other ethnic groups will react?

What do you think? Let me know.

My Mouth is Dry

I really want to talk about an incident I endured this past Sunday. However, it would take so much to explain it all that I think you might get bored. So in a nutshell. I went to an impromptu meeting of some Black Gay men who wanted to discuss our concerns and struggles in the world today and how we might be able to help each other. The overall consensus was that Black men period are invisible. I know you've all heard that before and surely felt it, that is if you are a Black Man.

There was one brother at the event who simply floored me with his arrogance. It was that type of arrogance that is subtle and masked by a command of the English language that can sometimes fool you into thinking that one is saying something of great importance. Well I am a good listener, however not such a great speaker. This brotha was basing the activities of 3 young black men and using their behavior to characterize most young black men. He then questioned why won't young men take opportunities given to them such as the one he was providing.

I was disgusted to say the least at the way he described one situation. I was to the point of stuttering. When I'm upset I have difficulty getting words out and at times can't form an intelligent thought successfully. I tried though. Probably my 1st mistake. I should have just ignored him. But I felt he would go on and on.

My comments to him were along the lines of: What did you do to help him understand the opportunity that you were giving him and how he was jeopardizing it? Why were you questioning him as if you were law enforcement.

From that he went into that I really don't know the situation or him so I should not be able to accurately assess the situation. My mind went to then why in the hell are you using that as an example. I said it too.

I told him that I found that in many situations when there is a Black man in a position of power they sometimes do not appropriately mentor those in positions below their own. In fact sometimes expect that one should just know. One guy summarized my words succinctly by quoting something he read. Many times those enslaved take on the characteristics of the enslaver.

Well the arrogant brotha didn't get it and continued to speak to me as if I was clueless as to what he was talking about. Actually I wasn't responding to what he was talking about I was responding to his attitude. Was he really interested in the success of these young men. Why wasn't he able to talk to them to find out what it was that they needed or why their behavior was less than exemplary? With that his face changed as he looked around the room and continued to make comments as if I had completely missed the boat. Since he was better known within this group of men he was successful to a certain degree in bringing a couple of other brothas to agreeing with his point of view.

One brotha even commented and asked me if there was something that I needed to talk about because I seemed like I was hurt. This made the steam in my mind puddle and boil.

No I don't need to talk about anything and there is no need for be condescending to me. Their eyes bugged and they looked around like this man is nuts. At least that was my impression of their behavior. Maybe I was being sensitive at that point...Nonetheless I didn't appreciate it.

My mouth was dry and I was shaking inside trying not to show it. Like I said. I should have just ignored him. Have you ever been made to feel as if what you are saying is absurd? Like your comments seem to be coming from a location in the universe that hasn't been identified as a planet yet?

One of the 1st things I learned in my psychology classes was, The hardest thing to prove is that you are not crazy. Simply put let 2 people say that you are crazy and see how crazy you sound trying to convince them that you are not.

Cell Phone Beatdown!

I haven't been blogging for awhile and was getting close to getting back into the swing of things. However, I wanted to wait until I had some positive things to say. Screeech goes the brakes on finding something positive for a moment. I gotta express my feelings on this topic.

I went to a seminar this past weekend that offered many breakout sessions on different topics that effect Black Men. We enjoyed a continental breakfast, conversation and were just about to hear a couple of speakers. It felt like it was going to be a really nice Saturday morning.

I sat at the table with a few people some I knew and some I didn't. Just before the program began a guy about 25 years old, thinking he's the IT girl but looks a steaming hot mess sits down at our table. He flops down right next to me and says absolutely nothing. So I turned to him spoke and told him my name. He responded in kind. As the program started IT got a phone call. Of course whenever anything like that happens everyone in the room turns around to see who forgot to turn the cell phone off.

Well most normal people would just turn off the phone once they realize that they hadn't already. Not this steaming hot mess. He answers the phone and starts talking. Talking in his normal speaking voice. All at our table seemed annoyed and looked at him. Again a normal person would have ended the call he didn't until a few minutes more. After that episode we went on to the rest of the day of seminars until Lunch time.

After the morning sessions it was lunch time. We all pretty much sat at the same tables from the morning. I actually was not even thinking that IT would be on the phone again after the looks he got at breakfast. During the entire lunch no cell phone. As we listened to the final speaker of the day IT decides to make a phone call.

I had had enough, so I turned to IT and said will not you get on the phone please. You are disturbing everyone at the table who is trying to listen to the speaker.

IT: You know there are plenty of other places to sit in here.

ME: Then move!

IT: I'm not moving no damn where and I'll get on my phone if I want to so why don't you just turn around and mind your business.

IT really doesn't know who he's dealing with and that shyt raised my blood pressure to burst. Without even realizing it I tried to snatch the phone from his hand at the same time saying...

ME: Get off the phone!

IT: You are not going to take my phone from me! I will not let you do that.

Thinking to myself. Man you are not this queens daddy.

ME: I apologize for grabbing at your phone, I shouldn't have done that. But you don't need to be on it. You're disturbing the rest of us at this table.

I then turned back. IT said nothing. Moments later IT slithered out of the room.

I was fuming at the nerve of him and at myself for loosing control. Thank God I was able to catch myself though cuz what I felt myself doing was not talking to this fool. But rather grabbing him by his neck and beating him with that dayum phone.

After the lunch I walked right over to IT and told him that I wanted to speak to him.

IT: I wish you wouldn't.

ME: Maybe so but I need to say something to you. Again I apologize for grabbing at your phone I shouldn't have. However, what you were doing was inappropriate.

IT: I was making a 911 Emergency call.

ME: Then you should have taken the call outside the room. If it was a emergency call you were making then why are you still here?

I just walked away cuz I didn't want IT to get my pressure up again especially with there being more room in the lobby for me to lay his ass out!

People neither of our behavior was appropriate. Avoid this type of situation by turning the cell phones off in some situations.

Stress Headache

Well I thought I would be back in full force blogging again...but I have been really stressed at work. Hardly anyone is allowed to take any vacation right now due to this global project that will be implemented on Sept. 5th. Yeah Labor Day, so that might be a holiday that I won't get to enjoy.At any rate, I thought I would share this commercial that I found. It's for Excedrin. Just what I needed to get me through another day in the office. I think many of you will want to buy this product too. Get it before it's all sold out!!!


Excedrin

In Threes

They say all things happen in threes. I don't know if that's just a silly superstition or if there really is some validity to it. I think on some level I think there is some truth to it. I'm sitting here in this heat wondering what the 3rd thing is going to be.

Let me back up so that you know what the 1st and 2nd things are.

I was driving on the freeway recently on my way home from Countertop shopping and as I stopped on the breaks and my car decides, Oh hell naw, I'm not stopping right away. This was not my 1st time in a situation like this when a car that I've owned decided not to stop. What I quickly learned in that situation is you gotta pump ya breaks. Well it worked then and it worked this time too.

Unlike in my youth, I wasn't always able to get those expensive breaks fixed right away and drove around town pumpin the metal. Not now! The next day I was at the mechanic to check them out. Well it wasn't so bad after all and only cost me $180.00 to repair the damage.

The 2nd thing happened just today. Last night I hung out with a friend whose part of town completely blacked out yesterday. I need to call him to see if they have power back yet. So he and I hung out for a little while then came to my place to chillin under the air conditioning. As we chilled something seemed funny but I just didn't pay it any attention.

This morning I got the same feeling. Something just doesn't feel right. Little did I know that the operative word in my question was FEEL. As I drove into the garage from the Calif heat baking me to death. I looked forward to entering the coolness of my home.

As soon as I opened the door I knew exactly what that feeling was about I had had the night before. I heard the air conditioner blowing, but it was not blowing what I craved all the way home. I craved cool air and this thing was blowing nothing but hot air!

So there are my 2 things in less than 2 weeks. What will be # 3. I know right now Iwant to run in my drawers through the spray of a water hydrant. I've already contacted my home warranty company to get someone here to fix this thing! Hopefully they'll be able to get someone here this week! I'm supposed to have a book club meeting at my house on Sunday.

___________________________________________________________________

By the way my book club is reading an excellent book entitle Upstate by Kalisha Buckhanon . It's a fast and engrossing read. Hard to put down. While reading it I feel like I have stumbled upon something private that I found in a hidden place in the attic. I compare the feeling to the scene in The Color Purple when Celie found all the letters from her sister and kept it a secret that she was reading them. If you get a chance to read it I think you'll enjoy it.

Runaway Slave

When people would ask me what type of a man I wanted to be in a relationship with I would say. I want a runaway slave. (Maybe I'll explain that in another post. It's not really relevant for this one) Well now I want to be a runaway slave!!

I'm in a dilemma and I haven't been this unsure of my destiny or happiness in years. I'm usually pretty content with my life. Lately that has not been the case. I don't even have anyone to talk to about it that can relate to where I am at this point in time. So I thought I'd post on here and see if anyone had any concrete and intelligent advice for me. That's one thing that I don't ask for often either, advice.

Those that know me never think that I ever have any problems. Or at least if I do have problems they always believe that I can handle them and then just move on. So eventually I do end up handling the situation as I have no other choice or options in most cases.

Anyway I am feeling very unsatisfied with my life here in California. Everything that you hear about California is probably true and there are something's that you may not know. It is very superficial, laidback, expensive and prejudice. I've just about had it up to here with California. It's just so dayum difficult to leave the weather and access to activities.

I've been wondering if the weather and access are things that should be keeping me here. I'm not in a relationship currently so what's holding me back you say? Fear! Fear of the unknown.

Now if I was in my 20s still I would've been gone! However, I am not. So where I need help is with making a decision to move. I have a home that I love made some friends and basically comfortable. I've been at my job a long time and it's difficult to step out into something new when you haven't had to in so many years. How do you wrap your mind around leaving?

For some of you the answer may be easy. Just do it. However, that's too risky for me because it is just me. Do I just not have enough faith in myself? I'm probably answering my own questions as I type. Still it's not giving me the tools to take a step in any direction. Where can I get these tools? Does anybody know? I want to be that runaway slave and get away from these Slave Masters I work for and the mannequins that surround every corner of LA

Where is Harriet Tubman when you need her?????

I'll be back.

I've been missing in action for awhile. I'll be back possibly in early July. Just working somethings out. For those of you that have emailed me thank you for your concern. Nothing to be concerned about though.

Enjoy this funniness while I'm gone.

JSETT #8 - Watch Out For The Big Girls

Funny as hell.

Too

Too much going on in my life to write on my blog

Too many thoughts in my head to facillitate coordination from my mind to my fingers to the keyboard.

(1963) nina simone
The name of this tune is mississippi goddam
And I mean every word of it

Alabamas gotten me so upset
Tennessee made me lose my rest
And everybody knows about mississippi goddam
Alabamas gotten me so upsetTennessee made me lose my restAnd everybody knows about mississippi goddamCant you see itCant you feel itIts all in the airI cant stand the pressure much longerSomebody say a prayerAlabamas gotten me so upsetTennessee made me lose my restAnd everybody knows about mississippi goddamThis is a show tuneBut the show hasnt been written for it, yetHound dogs on my trailSchool children sitting in jailBlack cat cross my pathI think every days gonna be my lastLord have mercy on this land of mineWe all gonna get it in due timeI dont belong hereI dont belong thereIve even stopped believing in prayerDont tell meI tell youMe and my people just about dueIve been there so I knowThey keep on saying go slow!But thats just the troubleDo it slowWashing the windowsDo it slowPicking the cottonDo it slowYoure just plain rottenDo it slowYoure too damn lazyDo it slowThe thinkings crazyDo it slowWhere am I goingWhat am I doingI dont knowI dont knowJust try to do your very bestStand up be counted with all the restFor everybody knows about mississippi goddamI made you thought I was kiddin didnt wePicket linesSchool boy cotsThey try to say its a communist plotAll I want is equalityFor my sister my brother my people and meYes you lied to me all these yearsYou told me to wash and clean my earsAnd talk real fine just like a ladyAnd youd stop calling me sister sadieOh but this whole country is full of liesYoure all gonna die and die like fliesI dont trust you any moreYou keep on saying go slow!Go slow!But thats just the troubleDo it slowDesegregationDo it slowMass participationDo it slowReunificationDo it slowDo things graduallyDo it slowBut bring more tragedyDo it slowWhy dont you see itWhy dont you feel itI dont knowI dont knowYou dont have to live next to meJust give me my equalityEverybody knows about mississippiEverybody knows about alabamaEverybody knows about mississippi goddamThats it!

The Black Man

There has been so much discussion in regards to the Black Man lately that I felt that I needed to make a statement on the subject myself.

I don't think that anyone other than the Black man can understand what we go through. Not even the Black Woman...sometimes she may feel the effects, but will never understand exactly. The Black woman has always been wanted for something. The Black man is scary to the world and shunned no matter their position in life. They are attacked on many levels. Ya see, if a Black Man is doing anything someone will always percieve it in a negative light. Isn't that interesting? Why is that?

Why is everyone so afriad of the Black man, even Bill Cosby is afraid. Why otherwise would he defame any Black Man. Is he trying to let the world know that he is not like the other Black Men? Well we already know that. He has been fortunate in his life to have been afforded opportunities that many have not. So now that he has achieved wealth and education it appears that he feels he has the right to say basically that Bthe lack Man have had the same opportunites as he. I won't call any of his statement naive, but rather I'll call them ignor-motha fukin-rant. It appears that when some people gain success and money they really do forget.

Forget what it was like.
Forget that they could have made a difference earlier in their career.
Forget that negativity does not breed positivity.
Forget, forget forget.

Forget all you thought you knew about Black Men.

We are powerful men. We are capable men.

Many Black Men are simply exhausted. Does anyone know how tiring it can be to have to fight every single day of your life.

Fighting to be heard above the birage of white noise that castrates us.
Fighting to be respected just because everyone should be.
Fighting to be recognized for our capabilities instead of the terrified perceptions.
Fighting to be seen.

Even those Black Men that are successful like the Black Vice President of a company is still seen a just a Black Man. He may be given accolades form the CEO's of their company for his achievements or skill in public. However, if you take a look at the interaction between the White executives and compare them to the white executives and the minimally numbered Black Executives the itneraction is quite different. You'll see the White executives speaking in low tones almost as if telling each other secrets. Observe the White executives with the Black executives and you'd swear that something outrageously funny is always looming in their presence.

I can't say that I'm an authority on the sociological impact of any of this and have the answers to cause correction or change. However, I do know that Black are fighting everyday.

Fighting to be heard above the birage of white noise that castrates us.
Fighting to be respected just because everyone should be.
Fighting to be recognized for our capabilities instead of the terrified perceptions.
Fighting to be seen.

How many Black Men are willing to fight to the death? How many Black Men have fought until they died?

I'm tired...I'm going to bed now.

Possibilities

What are the possibilities of the Black Man or Woman? It's said that possibilities are endless. What do you think? Sometimes it feels like at every turn in one's life there are obstacles that get in the way of one's success or happiness. Is it a conspiracy crafted by some unknown source that knows the beginning of our dreams.

We're told to just keep trying and all will work out for the good. I'm scared right now that the good is too far out of my reach to enjoy it while I'm able to enjoy it. Is anyone else afraid of that? It feels like a curse when you have so many dreams that they don't allow you to focus on one. I've heard that the most intellient people are those that dream and have an imagination.

One thing that I can say that I do have is hope. Hope keeps me going each day. It wakes me up and gets me through. Is hope enough. I say no. We all need the following:

Skills
Support
Resources
Guidance
and Love

My mission is to acquire all of the above and to give them as well. I want to be free of the bonds of societal norm and work the system like those that have before me.

I know I'm blubbering on and on, I'm just tired of being tired.

Quiet

Haven't really had that much to say lately cuz things have been really busy at work. Which means there are changes getting ready to happen. Seems like it always happens like that. I'm not being paranoid either. I know one change that will be happening and that's the individual that I report to. So my life is going to be different. I'll reserve all other comments for some other time.

I've been falling asleep on the sofa almost every night trying to watch my regular shows. Never get to see them all anymore. I took today off just to get some rest. I am leaving in the morning for Philly, then I'll be in Edison, NJ. Most of yall probably never even heard of it. My company has offices in the strangest places!!! Well that's where I'll be til I get back. Maybe something will happen worth my writing about or I'll get inspired by something. We'll see now won't we.

Everyone enjoy your weekend and I pray only good things come your way.

I'm a Porsche 911!

I'm a Porsche 911!

You have a classic style, but you're up-to-date with the latest technology. You're ambitious, competitive, and you love to win. Performance, precision, and prestige - you're one of the elite,and you know it.

Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

A Socialite's Life

I tried to make a post on A Socialite's Life for the caption contest. You were supposed to come up with a caption for the picture of Janet Jackson below. The winner would receive a LeTigre Polo. Who cares about that I just wanted to be a part of it and maybe make someone smile.

Well, I guess some blogs are as restrictive as eating 3 bunches of bananas cuz when I attempted to post my caption I kept getting the message that my post had objectionable material and was not allowed. Well shit! That picture is objectionable, so my comments are par for the course dammit!

Ala Jennifer Lewis in drunken stupor from the movie Jackie's Back.

When asked by a reporter, "Janet, Did the Milkman not deliver?"

Janet: Yeah, he delivered alright, but it's what he delivered. He delivered some shit!



If you haven't seen the movie Jackie's Back it is a must see!! It was made for the Lifetime Channel, by Robert Townsend. If you don't want to buy it you should definetely rent it.

Lunch

Nice strong handshake, that's a good sign. A good handshake tells a person that you are genuinely pleased to meet them and that you are confident. Not like those weak limp wrist handshakes. They always make a person feel as if you are insignificant and as if they could care less that they are meeting you. I just want to slap a person that shakes my hand in that manner. This brotha gets 1 point for the handshake.

T - I know a good place we can eat. It's called Engine Co No. 28. It's in the Train Station. Nice place too. It's a little pricey though is that ok?

G - Sounds nice lets go. That might be a little far to walk though so I'll drive since you picked the place.

T - Cool. Another point. As we walked into the parking structure he guided me to his car, a Saturn Sky.

G - Do you mind if I put the top down? I just can't resist putting it down when the sun is out.

T- I don't mind at all. I love convertibles. I actually have a convertible too and feel the same way.

As we drove to the restaurant we listened to Corrine Bailey Rae sing Call Me When You Get This. 2 points mistah! We arrived at the restaurant and were seated where we began an extremely fluid conversation. As we enjoyed our meals we talked about college days, family, friends and our goals in life. Before this lunch was over I was hooked. Where has this mofo been? His smile was enchanting and made me nervous at the same time.

G- Wow I can't believe how fast the time has gone. It's almost time for us to get back to the Jury room.

T- Damn! I was enjoying this. I sure hope I don't get picked for a Jury.

G - Me too but lets not even think about it and maybe it won't happen.

We made it back to the Jury Room just in time. We sat and continued to talked for about 30 more minutes before I was called into a courtroom.

T- Damn! The look of disappointment came over G's face.

G - Hey court ends at 5pm so whether you get picked for a case or not meet me at my car in the parking lot at the end of the day. I want to give you my phone number so that we can hookup at another time.

T- Sure. I'll meet you there.

I sat in that dayum courtroom all afternoon praying the whole time I would not get pulled into the Jury Box to be interviewed by these arrogant Attorney's. My luck just was not with me today as they released another Juror and called my name. The Juror they release said that she was a Psychic. The whole courtroom snickered as she said it. One of the Attorney's even asked her if she knew how the case would end. She replied, No, it doesn't work like that for me. The Defense Attorney didn't even ask her any questions and just asked for her to be dismissed.

As I sat in the Jury Box the Judge asked me if there was anything that I'd like to say before the questioning started. Yes I said. I wish I was a Physic so that I would know wheter these Attorney's were going to pick me or not. Again the courtroom roared with laughter.

It only took one question for me to be released. Had I known I would not have been so nervous. I was asked did I know anyone who was on a case similiar to this assault case. My response was yes. After a bit of silence, the Prosecutor asked me to be released. Happy about thier decision I stood and exited. Now I wish they would have called me much earlier in the afternoon. Now there it was 4:55pm the court day was almost over.

I went back to the Jury room as instructed but all the other Jurors were gone. They were released early. After getting my Jury Served papers I exited on my way to meet a great guy in the parking lot.

When I approached G in the parking lot he had that smile again. Again my legs became jelly. But I pushed on.

G- I missed you. Now that I'm missing you I don't want to be without you tonight. Let's do something spontaneous and catch a flight to San Francisco and have the best date of our lives.

T- Just let me get home and pack a bag and I'm all yours. Uhhhh I mean I'm game.

G - I liked your first response better because I think I want to be all yours too.

Jury Duty

Jury duty today. These are always long days in the courthouse. I might have felt better about it had I remembered to check to see if I was going to be called in the night before. Thank God, I was supposed to be at work at 5am or maybe the court would be looking to put me in jail or fine me. I woke up still sleepy this morning because I was up late typing a grant for a friend.

We interrupt this story for a side note:

A friend of mine Ricky just called me. I dated him at one time and we are still friends. He just was calling to see what I was up to.

T- I'm at Jury Duty.

R - Whaaat? Ooh I'm sposed to be doing it too, but they want you there too fucking early and I got things to do.

T - They are gonna fine you $5,000.00 and send yo ass to jail!

R - No they're not! Are they?? Well the woman told me to come back today but I got shit to do. Anyway, I'm going to get a note from my doctor saying I have AIDs and I can't sit in court all day cuz I'll be shittin all over myself. I'll get outta it, sheeeet!

T - You are crazy!!!!!

Back to the story.

Because we just implemented a new system I have to be at work at 5am. As soon as I walked into the building to work, it came to me. You didn't check-in for jury duty!! Of course I didn't have the nubmer with me to call in so I had to drive back home to call. Sure enough I had to report for service. Well at least I could sit around a little bit and relax before I had to be there.

So here I am sitting with all the other jurors, all praying that we don't get on a case. I began looking around the room to see if there were any cuties in here. Hmmm. There's one.

Looks a little young though. Glasses, darksin, short cut, wearing a polo shirt, backpack, and cargo pants. He's sitting in the back of the room where the chairs are set up in the same manner as in an airport, with rows of seats facing each other.

I multiple times I caught him looking at me and I looked back. When the Jury Supervisor called several names to the front his name was called to report to the specified courtroom.

I looked him dead in the eyes and he truned away looking down. Hmmm He doesn't know what to do in this situation or is being shady. For some reasn Marz came to my mind. Probably due to the shyness he exuded. He kept looking but not looking, looking but not looking...you get the picture.

As some jurors were called on to cases the crowd thinned out. As I refocused my eyes on the remaining jurors, what was revealed to me was a 6'3" slender thight bodied, brother in his 40's. He had that runnaway slave look to him that I've been looking for for quite some time. Tall, dark or brownskin slender tight body, nose that's spread accross his face, real thick lips, and long fingers.

While I was looking at that man he was looking at me too. He smiled and licked his lips. Is that a sign? Damn boy stop that, you gonna make my shit hard, I thought. Think aobut something else. Read your book. I'm reading the Bondswoman's Narritive. Believed to be one of the 1st manuscripts written by a slave. He's looking at me again. Just look away. Now why the hell am I acting like that shy youngin that just left the room?

Cus this motha fukah is hot!! Nice looking brothas like him always make me nervous. You know what? I'm gonna man up real quick. I ain't no punk. So I looked back at him right in the eyes and did the nod up. You know the whassup nod.

Lunch time!!

They release everyone for a 1 1/2 lunch. Everybody starts pushing for the door, but I lay back to avoid the rush for food. He turns to me and asks if I know where anyplace good to eat down here. At first just a small laugh fell from my lips. Then I quickly got my composure and said, Yeah I used to work down here do you want to join me?

"Sure I wouldn't mind your comapny at all", he smiled. He spread his gorgeous lips over his face and my legs became jelly.

I'm T by the way, reaching to experience those hands.

I'm G he said.

Oh Yeah I Got Tagged Again

I really don't normally like doing these tag things and ignore them. However, ProfessorGQ that tagged me seems like a nice guy and so does this one. You'll see who tagged me at the end of this post. So here goes...Again.






This is a Get To Know You Tag.

Name: D-Place Not my real name of course but the D is my 1st initial.

Next birthday: August 11th. Haven't made any plans. It sure would be nice if someone gave me a surprise birthday party.

Favorite Food: Thai Food and Soul Food.

Favorite Restaurant: Simply Thai is very good here in Los Feliz and Aunt Rosa Lee's Mississippi Kitchen on Western both in Los Angeles. I really don't have a favorite restaurant but I like these two places.

Favorite Drink: Bourbon on the rocks. If you get the opportunity try some Bookers. It's real smooth. My mother's uncles got me drinking Bourbon. I was a Gin and 7 drinker before then. That Gin will sure make you sin though so I stopped that.

Favorite Happy Hour Spot: The Abbey Too bad there's not a black bar like this in Los Angeles

Shopping Spots: Armani, when I can afford it...Not the Exchange. Actually, I'll shop anywhere can't pass up a good deal.

Favorite Movie: Jackie's Back. For a Lifetime movie this was hilarious. Jennifer Lewis is a nut.

Favorite TV Show: I Want That. I love to dream about what I want in my house.

Most Underrated Actor or Actress: Leon...With his fine ass

Favorite Song You Presently Listen To: Honey Chile by Rosie Gaines

Most Underrated Artist/Group: Ledisi

Favorite Book: Shady by Blaine Teamer I wish he would write another one! Do you hear me Blaine!!!!!

Do you have kids? nope, I have a few kids that have adopted me though. Marz, So, Theo and Marlon

Best thing about being a parent: Not having any I can't say for sure, but I believe it would be the unconditional love until they become teenagers and they hate you..LOL

Have you ever been in love? Yes, I'm a sucker for it...But think I've really only been in love 2 times.

Best thing about being in love: Feeling connected selflessly

Biggest Turn-on: There are so many things that turn me on. Am I a freak? LOL...Hands, lips, chests, nipples, ooooh I said the n word...ahhhhhh

Biggest Turn-off: conceit, ignorance, bad hygiene

What would you be doing if you were not in the job/career situation you are presently in? Psychologist, Dancer, Magazine Publisher, Club Owner, Teacher

So what's stopping you? My mind, My bank account, I talk myself out of things all the time. I do sort of teach though. Software training, which is my favorite part of my job.

Something you would love to be good at? Singing. I would sing all the time! I don't understand singers that say "oh I can't sing right now" or "I'm not in good voice right now"...Well hell that means yo ass can't sing.

Any pet peeves? People who don't listen and are only interested in what they have to say.

1 nice thing about the person that sent this to you? I don't really know the person but I like what he has to say on his blog. He, like I said earlier seems like a nice person. Actually, Charles X asked me one time if I had to marry someone from the blog world who would it be and I picked Dugla. Don't know why just my instinct gave me his name, even though he's a lot younger than myself. He'll probably be surprised that I said that, he didn't know...hee hee Ok Dugla I did the tag thing and you betta comment!!

Kinky Boots

I saw Kinky Boots yesterday. I thought it was a very good movie. Very positive and inspirational. So inspirational that it caused me to write this post.

The jist of the movie was about finding your Niche. Seems simple but it can be a really hard thing to do if you don't know what your niche is.

I think we all go through this. Unfortunately, we seem to go through it when we get a little older. Then try desperately to get out of a job or career that we have to rejuvenate ourselves. However, no matter what your age I think we should attempt to discover our niche. Where do you fit in?

I guess one thing to consider when finding your niche would be to determine what it is that you like doing or what need it is that is not being met. These words are easy to say, but I know they are soooo difficult to answer. My advice is just think about it. I know I will be. Actually, I have been for quite sometime now. Nothing yet unfortunately!!!!

Sometimes once you find your niche it may not be an easy path, so don't give up if it's something you believe in. I was going to say that nothing worthwhile is easy, but that's a dayum lie! I wish more things were easy. I'd make it be worthwhile.

Caption Tipsy Tuesday

Location: Broke Back Mountain




Ouch Mutha Fu&^%(












LaWanda says, "What cho say bitch! I ain't slept wit yo man. My babies daddy lives in L.A. working for a movie studio. He's coming back here to get me and my babies and bringing me a sun dress with daisies on it. What I need with that one ball suckah u with. I mean he look like he only got one ball.

Heffa Imma beat yo azz into yo broke down stairs! said Regina



Bamauri is my name
cuttin' bitches is my game.

The brothas think my pussy they can tame.
Baby when my stuff starts to roar
they'll be giving excuses about why their shyt is lame.









Imma have carpet marks in my back by the time that fool gets here.


















Now how the hell she get a baby! Dayum, I gotta get some extra strength Summers Eve.




Yeah yo shyt does stink, but it tastes good.
















Just feeling a little silly today..If I offended anyone it was not intentional.

Watch What You Do

Let me start this off by saying...You betta watch what you do and be who you are at all times. The reason for this statement is because it is a very small world. 6 degrees of separation and in the gay world it's 3 degrees of separation. Belief me!

I'm been friends with my best friend Fi for over 18 years. We met when he moved out here to Cali to be with his lover. I met him through a girlfriend of mine. We didn't like each other at first and I was happy to be out of his company after that first meeting. Well time changes things and soon after that we became friends. Since then he had moved back to the east coast after leaving that bastard of a lover he had. He's moved from Maryland, to New Haven, to Delaware and now is in Philly. I have of course visited him at every location except in Philly. He's only been there a few months now and I just haven't made it there yet. I have seen pictures of his place though and it is the shyt!

I've made a few friends online. Friends that I know I'll be friends with for the rest of my life. I have been to visit them in the states they live in and they me. Well one of my online friends, Mo was living in Texas when we first became online friends. Since then he moved to Atlanta to be with his lover. (lawd the kids will sure move for a man, I stopped that shyt years ago!) So when he moved to Atlanta I went to visit, that was about 8 years ago. We have since visited each other on numerous occasions. Actually, I just went to visit him this past month as he moved into his first home.

I know I have mentioned each of these friends to each other I think even by name. So my friend from Atlanta is in Philly right now and sent me some pictures of the house that he is staying at. He's email simply read that he never wanted to leave the house that he was visiting because he loved it so much. The pictures in his email started to slowly reveal themselves. Anyone who has AOL knows what I'm talking about.

As the pictures finally displayed on my screen I thought to myself. Dayum this place looks familiar. Then when I got to the last picture I knew for certain where he was staying. He was staying at my best friends house! So immediately I called my friend from Atlanta's cell phone and asked him, who he was staying with in Philly. You know kids don't like to tell you things if they're not sure why you're asking. So he says at a friends house.

I don't like to play those games very long so I just said are you staying at Fi's house? There was silence for a second. He then said, How do you know? I said cuz that's my best friends house I recognize the furniture. I didn't recognize the house right away because like I said I haven't been there yet, but have seen pics. Well we all got a good laugh out of the 3 degrees theory. It's is such a strange phenomenon.

So I'm writing this post to let you know that if you do anything in your life don't do anything that you will be ashamed of. This could have been a life altering experience if I was not always true to myself. So I had no fear what so ever in these friends meeting. Neither of them would give me anything but praises to one another.

Simply stated. You betta watch what you do cuz it will always catch up with you.

Tagged by Professor GQ

If you were to be the opposite sex for one day, what would you do?

Get Pregnant, then when I'm a man tomorrow I would become a billionaire for being the first pregnant male.

If you had to name the most difficult thing about being a teenager today, what would you say?

Not getting killed.

If you had to name the most embarrassing moment of your life, when was it?

Everytime I'm intersted in someone that I think is really fine. I become a complete clutz. Tripping over things cuz my legs won't move right and stuttering. Which is something I don't normally do.

If you had to name the most overrated actor in Hollywood, who would it be?

Denzel Washington

If you had to name the one personality trait that you have tried the hardest to change in yourself, what would you say?

Shyness

If you could go back for one minute to the Garden of Eden and give Adam advice, what would you say?

Don't listen to hah!!!!!!!! She's fukin the snake!

If you were to name the best “I told you so” you ever got to deliver, what was it?

Can't think of one. sorry

If you were Madonna, what would you do for your next publicity stunt?

Marry Brian Pumper

If you could have a lifetime 50 percent discount in any single store at your local mall, which store would it be in?

Bloomingdale's

If you could have one more pet, what kind would you get, and what would you name it?

A Blue Great Dane named Leon

If you could have God perform one miracle today, what would you want it to be?

Remove all things that make people ill physically or mentally.

If you could spend New Year's Eve doing anything you want, what would you do and who would you do it with?

I would spend it with the man that would be good for me and my life, kissing, laughing, talking and enjoy friends that we love.

If you were to set your country’s immigration policy, what would it be?

Too many of yall here already...Go home so some of these homeless people can have jobs.

If you were given the power to settle the issue of gays in the military, what policy would you set?

Ain't nobody's business if I do.

If you could have one person you have lost touch with call you up tonight and invite you to dinner, who would you want it to be?

Ron and ex lover. I don't know what happened to him and no one has heard from him.

If you could change one thing about your love life what would it be?

I am changing that thing. I'm being more conscious of who I choose to be with and holding nothing back. I have nothing to loose, but he may.

If you could have prevented one book from ever having been written, which book would it be?

The Bible was a good answer from ProfessorGQ I think I'll take his answer. It's caused so much confusion and murder.

If you have to name the best music album ever recorded, which would you select?

Sarah Vaughn Live at Mr. Kelly's

If you could have one thing made out of pure gold, what would you choose?

Hee hee hee

If God were to whisper one thing in your ear, what would you like Him to say?"

Next Week on Monday, you will be immune of all types of sickness and win the $100 million dollar lottery all by yourself. That way I can confidently walk into my job and tell selected people to kiss my ass!

What to do when your bois aren't feeling your boo?

I gotta say it again: "What to do when your bois aren't feeling your boo?"

Listen to them!!!!!

They know you better than you know yourself sometimes. Now I'm not talking about if they don't like the way he looks or the job he has. I'm talking about how your friends feel around him. You know the vibe they get when their around your boo. And what about the vibe your friends get around his friends. All those things will be important down the line.

1st imma start with the; them knowing you better than your self.

You just think you foolin everybody by acting like you are all confident and in love with this man. Remember your friends have seen you in love many times in the past. They know when you are really in love and when you are just filling a spot. Stop lying to yourself.

The way he looks or what he does.

If your friends are saying things about his looks and what he does...fuc those ho's they ain't your friends...they probably tryin to have him. Don't be superficial it shouldn't matter what he does for a living...just as long as he does something. And as far as looks...whatever floats your boat baby....if you like it I love it.

The Vibe.

If your friends don't get a good vibe from your boo. Then there is something amiss. He should know that he is going to have to deal with them as long as yall are together. So if he is not vibing with your friends then that means you are in for a little hell. He ain't gonna want to go to any of the parties where your friends are. Your friends are not going to want to come visit you at his house either if yo ass is stupid enough to move in with him in less than a year of knowing him.

The same thing goes for your friends around his friends. If they don't like each other it's not so bad...but who do you think are going to be at all the parties with yall. Both of yalls friends hating each other. Which will then mean that after awhile yall will be staying in the house arguing with each other about things that really don't amount to much.

Don't just be with him cuz you think he's the last resort or because he's comfortable for the moment. That's just not fair to him or really yourself. And if you are doing that...then you got some issues that you need to take care of. Self-esteem issues. Like not feeling like you can be alone so you accept practically anyone that looks in your direction with a pulse.

STOP THAT SHYT!

Opps i'm getting carried away. I'll just leave it at Listen to your friends. Be thoughtful about it though. You gotta think about the motives of your friends too. That's another post in itself. Not today though. I gotta go to the store.

I'm adding a bit more to this post after seeing what an unknown commentor had to say. In no way do I want to suggest that anyone should simply do whatever their friends say. That would be extremely immature. I hope that anyone reading this posts understands that. Only you know what will ultimately make you happy. Sometimes you gotta weigh what your friends say against how you feel. Keep Living and you will learn.

Am I Wrong?

Life is funny. I just made a post the other day about people having lists for what they want and don't want from those they seek to date What's on your list.

Today I was tested by my own list. Please tell me if I failed. Tell me if I was wrong.

Looking like hell today, since I had been traveling so much I haven't had a chance to get my hair cut. So I threw on a hat and some sunglasses and went on my way to the gas station to fill my car up with $2.75 a gallon worth of gas. Grrrrrrrrrr mad as hell about that. But I gotta get to where I'm going. I drive up into the station and see this brotha asking people for change to wash their windows. So I drive to the far end of the station hoping, uselessly that he won't ask me for change. I was having a craving for those 2 for a dollar bags of peanuts so I gotta go in the station.

Low and behold here he comes right at me. "Hey brotha can I wash your windows for some change please". Yeah, I say.

He wasn't a bad looking brotha, and actually wasn't dressed to badly either. I actually liked the sweater he had on. So I got my nuts. When I come out he's finished washing the windows and started to put the gas in the car. I started thinking to myself, is this brotha on drugs or something. He doesn't look homeless at all.

So we start to pump the gas and he asks me where I was going home? Naw not just yet I responded. Gotta go to the grocery store. Yeah he says, that's why I'm here asking for change so I can buy some meat and have some meat and rice for dinner.

Well the conversation continues like that and he asks me if I was eating dinner alone. Yeah I say...why is that he questioned. That's the way I like it don't have to worry about what someone likes or doesn't like cuz it's just me. Oh ok he says, I was hoping you would invite me to dinner with you. Maybe some other time I said just to get out of the situation with out offending him.

Ok now it's obvious that he's flirting. Grinning at me and shyt like he wants to lick in spots on me that I need licked on. So I said what are you doing out here anyway. He said I"m waiting to get my SSI check and gotta do this til I get it so I can eat. Just making ends meet until then. (For yall that don't know...SSI is Social Security Insurance) So that means this brotha is on disability for some reason.

Now the thoughts in my head:

He is kinda cute, he's not homeless. But that SSI..what kinda disability does he have. (all kinds of illness went through my head) He ain't workin, Is he lying about some of this. What the hell would my friends say if I told them I'm dating this guy I met at the gas station who cleaned my windows and on SSI? Something's not right about this whole thing.

So I said my goodbye's to the brotha and told him to take care of himself. He told me to do the same and hopefully he would see me around since he lived in this neighborhood too in a luxury 1 bedroom apartment on 1st street. (Well 1st of all their ain't no luxury apts on 1st street. Unless he thinks it's still 1965 when they really were luxury apts.)

Aiight man I'm outta here and I drive off.

- So was I wrong for leaving this obviously available brotha at the gas station?
- Was my attitude superficial?
- Did I just contradict my post?

If some of yall think that I should go back to that gas station and get him, I'm sorry to disappoint you but I'm not doing it. LOL

Confidence

This came to me while watching the Bernie Mac show today. It was a show about his sister getting married and he thought he would be walking her down the isle. Instead she asked his oldest brother to do it. It reminded me of a scene from my youth.

It was one of those nights when your parents had company and they call the kids out to dance or sing or something. I was really shy so there was no way I was dancing in front of anyone. Actually, I never would dance even in front of my family. Well my older brother went to the living room to dance to the latest music at the time. I can remember sitting on the stairs watching him and saying to myself. I can do that. I think I can do it better than him too. He makes me sick. He's always jumping up and running to the living room to dance for my parents guests.

Well by the time I got to middle school there were several dances and still I didn't dance. Then one dance this girl said to me that she never sees me dance and that I was going to dance with her wether I liked it or not. I danced with her and while we were dancing she built up my confidence telling me that I could really dance well. I think that was all I needed, cuz it boosted my confidence tremendously. I danced at every party from that point on.

Then next time my parents had guest and called my brother to dance. He went in there with his waterhead and started dancing. I had had enough at that point. While he was dancing I walked right in there and started dancing beside him. I did moves that he had never seen and couldn't do and my parents and their guests started yelling and clapping for me. I felt so proud.

The moral of this story is....never question what you can or can not do until you try it first.

What's On Your List?

I think it's interesting how people go about picking or deciding to continue to date someone new that they've met. We have all sorts of criteria for who we should date and sometimes I wonder if our criteria makes any sense at all.

I've heard reasons for ending dates for some of the strangest things. Here's a list of some:

- Didn't like his hair
- His dic was too small or too big
- I didn't like the sound of his voice
- He is an ex drug addict
- He's a recovering Alcholic
- He has a kid
- Didn't like the job he had
- Don't like the neighborhood he lives in
- Don't like his friends
- Too Skinny
- Too Fat
- Too many muscles
- Too Fem
- Too Masculine

Well I'm sure everyone has there reasons. My question to myself is are any of these valid reasons? I sort of don't think so. Most of the reasons above can probably be worked out in someway. Are these things that hinder us from being with someone that might just be "the one".? I have tried myself to thow out the superficial things that I find in a potential date that might be irritating. I must say it's not easy and there are still somethings that will only keep me partially intersted, doomed to end in approximately 2 months tops.

- No Job
- No Transportatation
- No Ideas of their own
- No contribution to the relationship
- No Sense of Humor
- Bad Hygiene (probably won't last more than a day) I will tell you about it and you better fix it right away if you want me to stick around.

I'm sorry I just can't get past these things. I guess I'm only human!

What's on your list???

One More Night

One more night of Dallas...then I'll be on my way home tomorrow. YEAH!!!!

I can't wait. These people have worn me out. I can't say that I'm really complaining because I love training. It's the most favorite part of my job. Did I say that before in another post..LOL

Well I do, it's rewarding knowing you've given someone some knowledge that will help them.

However, The schedule of training here has been extremely hectic. Training Sales People is not an easy job trust me. They are like small spoiled children. They don't pay attention all the time and you must find ways to entertain them and get their attention. Hmmm sounds like most adults. I guess it's not just Sales People.

Anyway, I just can't wait to sleep in my own bed. Maybe when I get home I'll have something more creative to write about.

See I'm Not Crazy

I knew I wasn't crazy and sho in the hell knew how to operate a dayum automated wake up call at a hotel. I ended up waking up extra early yesterday, probably because my mind just would not rest thinking about waking up late for a class that I was the trainer. So I woke up extra early and watched TV waiting for that dayum wake up call.

Well low and behold, the phone never rang. So I went to the front desk and found out that there was some problems with the service. So it really wasn't me just being extra tired.

I knew I wasn't crazy. hmmmpf!!!!

I Need My Ass Beat BUT...

As somebodies old grandmother would say...Lawd A Mercie, you need yo ass beat!

I'm in Tx training folks on an upgrade to one of our systems. Just to set up this picture...I am tired as hell. I was just in Ohio, if you remember, training on the same thing and then home for barely 3 days and now in Tx. So my ass was tired.

This is my 2nd night here. So after training all day yesterday, then having to participate in an after training meeting until about 7:30 pm I finally was able to go and get some food in my body. I come back to my room eat and relax for a min. Before I knew it I was knocked out!

Well about 2am I woke up and realized that I had not called for a wake up call. Yeah you see where this story is going. Anyway, I set the automated wake up call for 6:30am. At 8am the next morning I get a call from one of the Mangers this is how it went:

Phone Rings

Me thinking to myself: Ok here's my wake up call. I answer still have sleep.

Manager: Are you coming down to training? Your partner Chris needs your help.

Me: Oh my God!!!! I didn't get a wake up call. I'll be down as soon as possible. I apologize I don't know how this happened.

So I get showered, dressed and down to the training room in a record 30 mins. So I'm 30 minutes late.

One of the other Managers Marie was standing in my training room. Not helping Chris if he did need help which it did not appear that he did. (side story, Marie and my manager loathe each other, so they are always trying to say undermine each other's staff) So, immediately I explained the situation to her. Don't you know that that Bitch rolled her eyes at me and said that's not a good excuse.

I started to tell that bitch that I wasn't not making an excuse but was just informing her. With that I walked to the front of the classroom with my bag and took over the class. Ya see as Black people we all know that we have to perform at 150% to be judged at an 75% performance, minimum.

The funny thing about all of this...I was wearing a pair of pants that I had just bought in the Outlet Mall since I got here. One of the trainees in the front of the classed whispered for me to come to where he was sitting. When I did he whispered in my ear that I had something on the side of my leg. Immediately, I knew what it was. It was those stupid ass waist sizes that they tape on to either jeans or khaki pants like I was wearing. I graciously said thank you and moved on with the rest of my performance.

What made me feel good was that this guy didn't care that I was late he was more concerned about me being embarrassed with this dayum tape on my leg. Then the head of Finance who was also at this training event came up to me later that day and says to me:

You are an excellent Trainer I think one of the best here, you really like training don't you?

That made me feel good...because without showing it throughout the day I kept thinking those fucking bitches weren't even concerned that something bad could have happened to me. I could have been dead in my room and the all they cared about was that dumb fuckah training would be was drowning! Well you shoulda helped his ass bitch until I got there is what I wanted to say.

The house note, shopping, traveling and the eating thing, just would not let me say it.

Fathers

What is your relationship with your father?

I never really talk about my father. A lot of people have even asked me if he was alive because of it. Well he is. I just feel weird about him. Actually, I don't normally talk about him at all. Well I'm going to do it today. I think I got to get this out. I'm not really looking for any advice on this I just wanted to get it out.

My father was in the Military so he was not around a lot when I was growing up. He could be gone for a year or 2 at a time. When I was a young kid I was always very excited when he came home. I think it was because he would always bring us gifts from foreign countries. I remember when I was about 9 years old I wanted to be an Indian. I just loved Indians, I don't remember why now...I think it was the headdress. When I saw Indians in headdress they seemed so regal. I guess that's the Leo in me talking even at that age.

Anyway, as I got older I believe that I needed a little more attention from my father other than the gifts that he bestowed on me as a young child. I didn't need the gifts and they stopped anyway after a certain age. We moved to California as my journey into adolescence began. I had 3 brothers, the closest one in age to me was 4 years older and not really trying to hang out with me. So in a way I felt like an only child except for those times when I felt like playing with my younger sister.

So basically I didn't really have an openly communicative relationship with my father. It was more of an authoritarian one. Do this do that. Not many words came from him. The funny thing about it is that he thought, I'm sure, that he was a good father. Not to me if your not really talking or hearing your child.

As a high schooler I was pretty good in track and ran in school track meets and even in the Junior Olympics. I ran the 100 and 200. I went to the Olympics in the 100. The 1st track meet that my father had ever attended was when I made it to the semi-finals. I had gotten 1st place in my qualifying heats. So I was pretty confident that I would be going to the finals as well.

I was in my blocks and as the gun shot to push us all into motion. To my surprise my block slipped as it was not completely locked in place. I actually fell to my knee coming out of the block. I even turned to look at the starter thinking he was going to shoot the gun again to start the race over, but he didn't. So I got up and began running like the wind. I was able to catch up to all of the other runners except the 1st 2. Meaning I landed in 3rd place. 3rd place was not good enough they were only taking 1st and 2nd to the finals of the Olympics.

As I'm sure you can imagine I was furious, that I had not checked double checked my blocks. As I walked over to meet up with my family. The thing that I will probably remember for the rest of my life was my father saying, "You'd be a good runner if you had some coaching."

Livid, I didn't respond. Didn't he see what just happened, if I'd be such a good runner with coaching why hadn't he ever tried to get me some. What a comment to make after seeing the disappointment all over my face are some of the thoughts that went through my mind. How dare he. What the hell did he know about me. He never talks to me.

There had been many other situations similar to this that displayed his lack of knowledge about me and my needs. The thing that makes me so uncomfortable is that now that he is aging he treats me as if we have the best relationship that any father and son could ever have. I remember once when I came home for a visit he grabbed me and hugged me. I was frozen in place, like a board. What the hell is this all about? I didn't really care, but I didn't want him touching me.

So in his oblivion he continues to treat me as if we have a great relationship. I've gotten to the point now that I really don't care what he thinks because I know my truth. What he wants to believe about our relationship is a lie.

I guess it struck me to write this because I was thinking about a Frederick Smiths father passing and the love they shared and an email my father sent recently to me and other relatives that read:

This is just a HELLO note to all of you from James and Florida (not their real names). As family members we just don't communicate as much as family members should. We love all of you and hope everything in your family is just fine in every way possible. All is fine here in California with our family, although haven't heard from D-Place, Bradford or Darius too much lately.

My only regret about my relationship with him is that it effects my mother, because I can barely stand to be around him. I don't have anything to say to him because I don't think he would understand anyway. He's extremely presumptuous and imposing. Writing imposing almost made me go into another story about him but I won't.

Some say I'll regret the way I feel when he's gone. I just don't happen to think so. I do wish that I had a better relationship with him but it is long past the time of trying to make that happen.